#vent---

like especially if we haven’t for a while and they seem to be doing their own things and the longer it is the more awkward it would feel for me to barge in again

and like the reason we don’t talk can be a lot of things! not necessarily bad things either. i’m busy, they’re busy, life events happen

but i guess i care too much about other people to really be selfish or clingy

like when i have a moment when i’m overreacting about something or know i’m complaining for no real reason, i say beforehand ‘i’m taking a moment to be selfish’ because i know i’m really in no place to adequately complain about whatever, but i still want my feelings acknowledged

but again, i care too much about people to fall into really bad behaviors, even stuff that doesn’t directly involve others, like self-harm or anything else reckless and dangerous

so like when i want to talk to somebody i haven’t in a while, i kind of trick myself into thinking they’re fine without me and have kind of forgotten i’ve existed, so barging back in is rude and clingy and an inconvenience to them

honestly it’s gotten to the point i believe it’s the truth with a few of my friends

quite a few of them

i’ve maybe slipped one or two messages in their chat box and then vanished, and they just never responded, either busy or they forgot or whatever or maybe they just went ‘oh it’s them. whatever’

and i’m

fine with that

......................

there are probably going to be some people who feel this is specifically about Them but it’s not. it’s about a LOT of friends. it happens a lot for lots of reasons, like, maybe we only had a few things in common so we only have maybe one or two high-energy conversations once in a while and then leave it at that

but

i don’t want to feel like me talking like this is some backhanded way of saying ‘hey why aren’t you answering me’

it’s not and it’s fine and i KNOW people have other things to do and i’m not the most important person in the world but

y’know, mental illness is a bitch

so sometimes i just have to babble about this

anyway, that’s my minor problem before the big trip. probably going to be getting ready later today and tomorrow so idk how much i’ll be able to talk. 

i’ve only slept for 2 two-hour periods in the last 36, nd i can’t fucking go to sleep, even with the lights off and being still for a while

i told dad about it and he said it might be because of my diet and exercise and frankly he’s probably fucking right

i just sit in bed all day and barely do anything

i eat a bunch of sugars and meats and other bullshit that isn’t good for me

i want to be able to fix this but because of my stupid fucking brain i just can’t. i can’t handle multiple levels of things and i decided before i do anything with my life i want to see somebody about my autism/mental illness

BUT BECAUSE OF MY SHIT SITUATION IN LIFE I CAN’T DO ANY OF THAT UNTIL MY PARENTS HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MY FUCKING BROTHER AND I!!! I’M JUST STUCK HERE WAITING TRYING TO SURVIVE ON MY FUCKING OWN

I HATE IT

AT THIS RATE SOMETHING DSERIOUS MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME AND ONLY THEN WILL MY PARENTS FUCKING PAY ATTENTION AND GIVE ME THE HELP I NEED

I’VE ALWAYS HAD TO PUT MY PROBLEMS ASIDE BECAUSE MY SIBLINGS WERE THE MAIN FOCUS.

NOW I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF BECAUSE I ALWAYS WENT ‘OH IT’S NOT OF ANY IMPORTANCE, MY SIBLINGS ARE THE MAIN ISSUE RIGHT NOW’ SO I JUST IGNORED EVERYTHING