#vent-

Shocking fucking news of the day one (1) - MY ALGEBRA TEACHER JUST LEFT THE SCHOOL AND I JUST LOVE THE NEW TEACHER BUT I WILL MISS TEASING MY PREVIOUS TEACHER- 

I’m not going to go into detail with some of them because they teeter too close to “drama” territory (and the person who miiiight know what I’m referring to may still be spying on my blog lmaoo), but to sum the other things up...I feel like what I do here doesn’t matter. Not only to other people, but to me as well in a weird sense?

Since I feel like everything I’ve done with Valerie has, and everything I could do with her will, fall under the radar (e.g. how many people actually have read all those drabbles I wrote for her; let’s be honest here)...it’s like, “what’s the point”? I think since I have that mindset, it’s honestly tough for me to write Valerie from the heart. Write her seriously, put full effort into it, I mean. 

In turn, that’s just making me not want to write in general; which is you know, impacting IC activity here.

Worse thing is that I really don’t know what to do to ease my frustration (getting closure for one certain thing would def help at least a little but I’m probs not gonna get it anytime soon or ever) and start feeling the Passion™ to write again. That’s just...making me even MORE frustrated loool.

While both of them have expressed that they want us (their children) to think for ourselves and have our own beliefs and opinions I can’t deny there was always an underlying pressure to follow their faith. As a child, this was never a big issue to me, as Christianity was often simplified to its core principles of “help and care for those who are truly in need of it and fight against corrupt powers” and I wasn’t aware of the huge politics that surround every religion. As a child as well, before I ever really understood what homosexuality (and later transsexualism) was, homophobic and transphobic rehtoric didn’t bother me. Probably because I was so young I didn’t fully grasp that I was in fact trans and bisexual. Looking back at myself it’s so painfully apparent. My attraction to women was more than [theyre pretty I want to be like them], I was always low key trying to emulate my boy classmates appearance and mannerisms wise, and then the later discomfort I felt as puberty set on

Tying this in back with my faith? It’s a mess. I don’t even know what I believe anymore, or how I believe it. A lot of homophobic and transphobic rehtoric has stuck with me throughout my life. A lot of what was said accumulated into me getting sexually abused because I thought I would get into serious trouble for being in a relationship with another woman. I thought people would think me being gay would be worse than me being raped and molested. I never even thought anyone outside of my immediate group of friends thought of it as molestation and rape until 7 years after it had happened.

And then, aside from that, the attempts to be a woman would drive me to the edge. I felt profound discomfort, profound anxiety. I still do, even with being realatively out of the closet.

I don’t even know if this is making sense rn I’m just... I don’t know

I was sexually abused in a church of all places and no one did shit and I guess that is part of why I have a hard time believing. I needed help. I was hurting. I was being hurt so badly. But they brushed it under the fucking rug.