#venerability

while wandering through a grove of untouched woods, filled with trees much older than I, a feeling of untamed knowledge and feelings without words consume me, but I sob even harder when they do not judge me as I fall to my knees and in a moment of weakness, fall apart before them.

How do you get away from them? All of the barbed fibers implanted in your muscle tissue. You're standing but you're not advancing. How do you shake free from the abhorrence that is what you once were? How can you be rid of the old words and moments that catch you as you walk the halls; stop you dead and make you think that there's no way you're even present at all. Can I really will my mind to be quiet? Can my blood be purified? Can we really be reborn again? I've come so far, but at the end of the day even though I am closer to loving myself than I've ever been before, my mind wanders frequently into the dark forests of what existed before that growth. I'm physically ill after my words took over; my venerability is a monster. All I ever wanted was to be strong, but maybe I really am just porcelain. I'm still weak, despite all of the positive inner dialogue, everything that I say. I try so fucking hard and hurt and fear still catch my ankles in a bear trap and send me to the ground. I'm not a monster. It all means that I'm beautifully human. And in some way I irrationally expect myself to perform as if I'm not. Under the weight of upheaval, loneliness digs into my skin. I've been here before and I've always made the wrong choice. I've always chosen to run. I finally see that the way out of this feeling isn't by escaping, the way out is by mentally accepting all aspects and showing no resistance. "You're smarter than that, have faith."