#veiled intentions

He called me over to discuss his intent to start one with his wife, T'zeitel.  And I must admit, at first the news made me...concerned. Sokhatai's position in the company is as, well, a hired blade in Aegis. It's a job that has danger in the description.  Well, not literally, they dress it up with fancy words like 'protectors' and it sounds very noble and necessary - and believe me, there's no one more appreciative of an able protector than me.  But I have to wonder how does one cope with the idea of having both a child...and a job that requires you to directly put yourself between someone else and harm?  It would hurt my heart to think of it, but above all it doesn't seem...practical. But he and T'zeitel both fight side by side.  They're both from the same social standing.  Their lives are only improved by a union.  They’re more likely to survive with each other than without. "Happiness," my grandmama said.  "They are free to chase it, as far as their legs may carry them." We all chase after happiness, I said to her. "But theirs is uncomplicated, simple.  They can afford to do it with reckless abandon, we cannot.  They start with little and reach for their fulfillment, guided by the whims that bring them closer to happiness.   Their purpose becomes clear to them much later than ours." Indeed.  We start off with so much to lose, we learn instead how to guard ourselves, protect what we have so our future remains secure.   That is the happiness we are taught to seek.  They start off with nothing to lose, everything to gain.  We start off with everything to lose. "Are you envious, Llinos?  Do you regret what you were adopted into?"   Grandmama looked at me with her clouded emerald eyes.  Her expression was a veil of hidden expectations.  She knew my answer already, but she asked to see how I would respond.  "Do you yearn for something simple and good?" "No," I said easily, truthfully.  To say otherwise would be to call my family a burden.  To say otherwise would be to admit to a cowardice I had not felt for some time.  It would suggest I thought myself made for something so simple...when I never believed that.  "To quote from the poets, ‘I am a woman not to be brutalized by love.  I am generations of blood and fire.  I am all war."  Something violent, brutal and ugly is howling inside me and I shall act like it, my mind finished the end of the poem I chose to leave it out, knowing well grandmama already had a distaste for most poetry in general.  All the same, I felt a closeness to those even those words.  I did not feel like a woman like me was meant for what Sokhatai described as his happiness.  Not because I didn’t deserve it - though I could argue that case, too - it just wasn’t who I was...not at this moment, maybe not ever. Grandmama gave a light scoff at my words, folding out her fan and fluttering it in her annoyance.  "You always did read such vulgar poetry." "I find them to convey a certain Ala Mhigan quality, like me, grandmama.  Words are the skin we wear, so we must choose them wisely." "Be careful you don't bare yourself too much then," she gave a roll of her eyes, but I could see she was hiding her satisfaction behind the fluttering of her fan.  It is not in grandmama's nature to praise too highly.  "You truly don't yearn for even a part of it?  That sounds unromantic of you, Llinos..."  Grandmama looked out the window to the golden world below, feigning light interest, but her voice was soft, pensive.  This time she truly was curious. "On the contrary, grandmama, I am nothing but romantic.  Romance isn't all sugary sweetness, it is dark and tormented---" "'--the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you can't attain,'" Grandmama finished.  "That was the first poem I read to you.  Why do you cling to these silly verses of yours?"  She turned her gaze to me again as she snapped her fan shut. "Because they show me my path is not one I have to forge anew.  Others have walked it, survived it, accepted it.  I feel like my feet can slip into the imprints of others and it is soothing." Idealism.  It's something I share with the common man, but I cling to a different sort.  Not an idealism of a life of love and many children.   An idealism that I can save my family, that I can shield us if I'm careful enough. Grandmama's eyes still watched me.  "You hide behind your poetry.  I want your words, Llinos." I gave it thought.  "If love is all the virtues they say it is: patient and kind, if it isn't envious or self-seeking or proud, if it is trusting, hopeful and persevering...I don't know if I can see it in myself just yet for anything but my own ambitions." I don't know what grandmama made of that.  She just gave a slow nod then and went back to fanning herself as she gazed out the window.   "This is what makes us so different, Llinos."  She said quietly and distantly. I felt this difference she spoke of as she said it, this wall that kept everyone else from understanding me.  My ambition was as a moat to my fortress preventing anyone from crossing. . . . I wonder, sometimes, about my guardsman, Quintos.  Is he like Sokhatai, longing for that love of wife and family?  They're both men quick to make up their minds, fighters, honest to a fault... Quintos pretends at flirtation with me, but I wonder if he does it out of loneliness rather than just trying to see if a blush or a sharp word elicited from me might one day weaken my resolve? He wastes his time, but I wonder...if I'm wasting his time, too.  He doesn't get much time to look for his future, he's spending it vowing his life to protect mine.  For gil, of course, but... He should not waste his time grasping at the illusion he wishes to see. It will only hurt him, as reaching blindly often does.  If what he longs for is wife and children... I wonder because I'm not so cruel as to stop him from it, it would be a poor way to pay his loyalty. Or perhaps because I need him to turn his attention elsewhere?

“Quintos…” She spoke softly under the weight of the settling gloom.  “After this, you accept I have to go back to him.  To Sal.”  She glanced at him, watching him with breath held.  “I don’t want you to do anything foolish.” “Aye, Silvernail.”  His lips fell in a frown.  “I’m hardly in a position t’ do anythin’ foolish.  I can’t very well kill ‘im as that’ll jus’ look bad an ye.”  As he glanced over at her, a light spark of mischief renewed itself.  “Maybe if I’d been born inta wealth like ‘im this’d all be different.” “It takes more than wealth.  You need influence, too.  You can be as rich as the Sultana, but without the right connections…it goes to waste.”  Llinos glanced back at Wemrys, returning his mischief with a soft smile before she looked away in thought.  “I wasn’t born into wealth, I was adopted.  And Sal’s father made himself what he is, not too unlike the fighters that rise to prominence in the Bloodsands.  Except his arena was commerce and he became a champion of industry, or what we call a ‘merchant prince.’” Wemrys’s expression fell thoughtful. Llinos fought the impulse to make a remark on it.  Instead, she let him give voice to his thoughts, listening intently. “So maybe one needs a li’l luck, then.” He seemed to be debating something in his mind, but Llinos couldn’t read it.  Instead, she continued from where he left off. “Sometimes it’s luck.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of determination and recognizing opportunity. There were many times in my own path I could only fight to hold on, to find a foothold.  They don’t just hand it to you when you become wealthy, you know.  Especially if you’re a foreigner.”  She gave a frown at that, thinking, Especially if you’ve undesirable ties.  “You’ve seen it, I don’t need to explain,” she gave a dismissive wave to the notion, continuing by switching the focus.  “But take yourself, where would you be if you hadn’t recognized the opportunity you saw when you first met me?  It’s been a constructive experience, hasn’t it?  And I know it’s been lucrative, you’ve gil enough to spare…maybe not enough to be as rich as a Sultan, but enough to rent nostalgic, little cottages like this one, hm?”  She arched her brow at him.  “Though, I suppose you might think there’s got to be more to it than opportunity. And you’re right, there usually is. You need to know how to invest in your future, and to do that you need to want something enough to learn and grow into the person you need to be to achieve it.  The result isn’t always pleasant…as you see with Sal.  But when it comes to paying a price, only you can decide what it’s worth.”  Llinos looked up at the ceiling, resting back on her hands.  She couldn’t say whether her own path was worth it, she used to be certain but she’d finally come far enough to be lost in her own dark economics. Wemrys for his part was lost in his own thought.  “Opportunity…”  He considered the word, lifting his head this way and that.  Llinos wondered what was rattling around in his mind that kept him so distracted, but he finally snapped out of it, asking her, “Silvernail, a good investment can buy influence, can it?  Ye said e’en Bloodsands fighters managed it, like the Bull.  An’ investment, a reputation, determination…opportunity.  The Flame General bought the Colisseum and thus a seat on th’ Syndicate.”  His eyes were lost in the picture in his mind. Llinos watched with a mixture of amusement and intrigue.  “I doubt I’d e’er be able ta manage summat tha’ big…but,” he paused, his gaze falling from the image in his mind to the woman across from him.  “If I e’er did summat like tha’, if I had achieved all tha’, a reputation, influence, wealth…like th’ Flame General…woul’ ye ‘ave considered me a fittin’ suitor…?” “Yes,” she said without hesitation, without thought.  The word slipped from her so earnestly, so naked, that she surprised herself.  Had she gotten lost in the picture he was painting as well?  She felt her face heat in embarrassment.  She wasn’t Laena.  Wemrys wasn’t some gallant knight going to save her with fairy tales.  It wasn’t their reality.  “That is,” she added quickly.  “I would be obligated to give your proposal for courtship due consideration were you to offer it.  Under the circumstances.”  She licked her lips, they had suddenly felt dry.  She suddenly felt an urge to look anywhere and wishing she’d allowed her wine glass to be refilled. Wemrys, from what she could spy from stolen glances, looked like he hadn’t heard anything past ‘yes.’  He stayed frozen, eyes widened, long enough to make Llinos’s embarrassment unbearable.  He then reached for his wine glass, holding it just before his lips.  “I…uh..well.”  Llinos could have screamed at how ineloquent he was.  He probably realized he’d pushed the question too far and regretted committing to it.  Wemrys was not one to be pinned down, after all.  He just liked asking, pressing his luck, to get a rise out of her or to catch her off-guard, to admit to things…things she shouldn’t.  He likely expected the usual denial, the kind that allowed them to fight as they usually did. The moment was ruined.  She could always blame the wine and circumstances… “Well,” he repeated the damnable word after a deep drink.  “Tha’s useful information t’ have.”  And then he leaned forward.  His hand moved to the back of her head, pressing gently, and he brought his lips to hers. And she leaned herself into it, letting her lips meet his.  They could always blame the wine and circumstances for where all other thoughts went.

No, what was she doing?  Distractions and daydreams only made the reality of it all worse.  Sal showed her that for every tug she made to get away, he tugged back sharper.  She didn’t dare hope for more than keeping everyone else out of harm’s way.  That’s all, she told herself as she closed her eyes and turned to walk away.  That’s all I need focus on.  No one else need know suffering as you knew it, she heard Sal’s words say.

  The arms fell away from her and she found herself numbly walking to her room.  This time it would be that little boy, he was saying, next time...it could be someone else.  She felt the cold stone of the wall as if she’d been knocked back against it.

 Kikio Kio sighed and pushed out of her chair, leaning heavily on her jeweled cane, feeling so much more worn and older than she was.  “Surviving the viper's nest is not the same as living in it. Despite your best efforts, my dear…you never became a viper yourself.”

As she sat in her chambers in Alysia Fairwind’s company, being welcomed back amiably, speaking of all number of things.  She felt an urge to say something of what happened in Ul’dah…but what would the purpose be to tell her she was nearly engaged?  It wasn’t news, not yet.  And even if the woman would be interested in hearing about what nearly was to be, if she could be a confidante to share such passing thoughts with, what would Llinos want out of it?  Was she wanting to share her excitement?   Her worries?  Discussing either would only expose someone to the uncertainty of her feelings and she couldn’t look that way.  It would be the same with anyone else in Aethertide.  They would ask her questions about it and she’d be expected to respond a certain way.  She could always pretend, she knew a number of different expression with which to satisfy…but what would be the point in that?  If she couldn’t be honest about it, it was better to say nothing.  She still didn’t know Sal very well and while that was perfectly normal for some noble families, most of Aethertide was not nobility and therefore would not understand. Wemrys Quintos certainly wouldn’t.  No matter how many times she tried to tell him, he could not accept the way she talked of herself like she was a commodity.  Or that she could find such a thing satisfactory.  But why shouldn’t she if it was her choice to go this route?  Was he any better?  He sold himself to her as a sellsword, vowing to die if it was necessary.  He too treated himself as a commodity when it suited him.   Was that any different?  The man was half-blind in so many ways… And then there was Maple and Sindri.  She didn’t know what she would say, how they would look at her.  They always trusted her to do what was right, or they at least always said as much, but sometimes their eyes said different things.  At their age, she’d have wanted the fairy tale ending too, she’d have still believed in it, and Llinos couldn’t help but wonder if she was forcing her children watch it die right in front of them. But it could be better than we expected, she thought to herself as she restlessly paced her room after Alysia left.  Maybe she could console her children with that?  It consoled her…somewhat.  She didn’t know Sal, but she could grow into her feelings.  He mentioned wanting to himself.  And yet, she knew that wouldn’t be enough for Maple and Sindri.  She knew what they’d think, about how things could have been.  Well, maybe it was better that they learn some things just have to work out differently?  Maybe they could learn to put their optimism elsewhere like she had to?  Gods…but she never wanted them to turn out like her. Her anxieties distracted her all that day and the next.  To the point where she avoided meeting with too many people.  She met with Eduard, Violet and Khyran to be on hand for their discrete procedure but she said little, her mind mulling back and forth when not focused on her work.  She had an opportunity to meet with Wemrys, her children…but she told herself she needed just a little more time.  Maybe in a day or two, Sal would get back to her with news?  But was she really going to be able to avoid them for that long after making her return?  Well, Rosalin had made mention she should still rest and not be overwhelmed to the staff, perhaps people would give her time out of their own desire? When Sal called her to meet with him at his nearby La Noscean residence after having returned speedily from his return trip home, Llinos’s heart raced as she made her way to his estate, wondering if perhaps he’d heard word already.  If perhaps she would have her answer that would make moving forward easier.  But it turned out to not be the case.  In fact, the deliberation over whether her agreement to marry Sal if he was declared heir would strengthen his position was going to take longer than expected, he’d told her. “My father is very ill and needs his rest.  Meanwhile his lawyers and advisors are…well, rather bureaucratic.  I am competing against other next of kin who are distant but legitimate and so this will take some time.  But it is in consideration.”  Sal handed Llinos a cup of wine as they stood before the fire in his immense drawing room.  He was ever his usual hopeful self but she could hear the apology in his tone. “Well, thank you for informing me,” she gave a sigh before taking a sip.  “But, this could have been expressed in a letter or something.  I rushed over here because I thought—“ “I apologize for giving you false alarm.”  Sal stepped forward, reaching his hand to touch at her cheek.  A gestured that surprised Llinos anew for its forwardness, but knowing he was simply trying to initiate an attempt to be closer, she did not pull away.  She rose her gaze to meet his in response.  He smiled and continued.   “When I saw that this would take much longer than either of us hoped, all I could think of was that I didn’t want you to grow weary and forget about me…forget about my promise to try and make you happy, to give you a true courtship.  We are not officially engaged, but I see myself as yours and I do not wish you to forget.” “So, when your business concluded you returned to be nearer to me?”   Llinos found her tone genuinely surprised.  She’d known more suitors to conduct all their business - courtship included - from afar if they could help it.  Usually they just sent her gifts, tokens of their affections and desires. “I hope you do not mind, I just grew anxious.”  Sal smiled sheepishly, suddenly looking younger and more boyish as he glanced away.  “I said I had loved before.  I know we do not know each other well yet, but I still find myself feeling anxieties over what to make of this.  What to tell others.  I realize it is because this has so many possibilities in how it could go, it could also change a lot for us both and there I was in Thavnair trying to resolve these feelings all by myself when I should have been doing so with you.  You’re the only other person who might understand after all, considering we’re in the same position.  If I have to move forward confidently, shouldn’t I do so with you at my side?  Besides,” That sheepish grin turned mischievous.  “It was an extra excuse to be near you again.  I admit I feel an anxiety when I think of you, because I want to know you more, Lady Llinos..” Llinos found herself genuinely in awe at her own confusion of emotions. She didn’t know how to feel, but was beginning to wonder.  Perhaps Sal had a point, perhaps her anxieties would be better dealt with him helping her.  What he described echoed her own anxieties, it was almost a relief to hear she was not alone in them.  He was older, experienced, perhaps he knew more what he was doing than she did…how foolish of her to not think of it before. And yet there was something still that kept her uncertain.  She couldn’t place what it was.  She frowned at herself, eyes lowering away from his.  “I can barely keep my mind in one place since signing that document, I just feel so anxious to know what will come of it.  I feel like I can’t commit myself to one feeling until I know for certain and it makes me feel so…listless.  I’m afraid I’ll be rather dull company for you, Sal.” “Perhaps you need a distraction?  Something to be involved in that makes you get comfortable with the idea?  Something, perhaps, to help you get involved more with the Durands and bring you closer?” Llinos thought the idea over for a moment.  “…well, I had a thought, that maybe I could throw a faire near your father’s home?  Something in his name.  We can give affiliated connections a chance to market themselves in the revelry, through my coordination they could get to know me…but above all I could get to know your family, too.  Maybe your younger relatives could play with my own Maple and Sindri—“ “You have a beautiful heart under that cutthroat I saw at the business table,” he smiled at her softly. And she returned his smile.  “Or maybe I know the value of family as much as I understand the value of good business?” “We could plan such a thing, however…it would have to be made clear to the advisors that Sindri and Maple would not be our heirs.  Otherwise, well, we wouldn’t want that complication affecting us…or them.”  He added that last part quickly, regret for having to bring up the matter making him wince slightly. Llinos took no offense to it.  If there was anyone who understood how uncomfortable yet necessary such a conversation was, it was someone who spent his whole life in the shadow of illegitimacy.  He knew as well as Llinos did how uncertain claims could breed enemies and unwanted attention.  He was not being malicious or snobbish, he was verifying their protection.  Unlike her and Sal, Maple and Sindri had no desire for more than what they had.  Maple and Sindri didn’t need a target on their back, nor did they need to be considered as part of the same game Llinos and Sal were playing.  Giving them their own separate inheritance kept them safe.  The matter had been discussed earlier with Sal before she finally agreed to sign the contract, they knew where each other stood.  “They will always be Silvernails and you can bet that’s how they’d prefer it.”  She said in firm agreement. “Good, they are quite blessed in that regard.”  Sal smiled again, but the furrow of his brow did not lift, indeed his concern stayed.  “But one more thing, Lady Llinos?”  His eyes scrutinized her face as if he were searching for something, but in a manner that gave Llinos a growing disquiet the longer he looked at her like that.