#vdds

As some of y’all know, I joined a Discord server for a popular adult SF series. I have since left that server for personal reasons, but this story starts in that space, in early October 2020, just a little over a month after some really difficult stuff in my personal life had transpired.

I returned to a space I no longer felt sure of, feeling wary and worried that, without my old group of friends, I wouldn’t have any fellowship in that fan space. I kept to the fringes, barely engaged with anyone unless it was in a moderator capacity, and stayed to myself.

And then October 3rd came around, and a group of 15 or so people gathered together to convince me to watch Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

Because most of them had seen the show, and others wanted to watch it as well, we ended up streaming it for this server of 600+ people. For two straight weeks, we gathered to watch the story unfold. I kept my camera and audio on the whole time because half the fun for those assembled was watching me - someone who had no prior knowledge of FMA or anime - take this story in for the first time.

Over the course of those two weeks, there developed a core group of 15 - myself included - who would show up every night to watch. I didn’t know most of them at the time; I would see them around the server, in channels I didn’t frequent, but I wasn’t friends with them and, in some cases, had never even conversed with them.

After we finished the series, I wanted us to have a place to corral our nonsense that wasn’t taking over the text channel for one of the server’s two audio channels. So, because Discord’s group chat function caps out at 10, I made a server. I thought the server would be a temporary place to talk about FMAB until we all ran out of steam and disbanded.

I was wrong.

Within three weeks, we had a server name (based off a now-long-running joke about “snobsonas”), an icon, many joke roles, a music bot named Gritty, and plans to start watching a second show in the new year. We had channels to vent and seek commiseration, share highlights of our days, and talk about shared interests. Because, dear reader, as it turned out, we could all unite over more than just an anime.

This group is diverse in every way, and we are all the better for it. We greet one another every morning and say farewell and I love you every night. Those who can’t always be as active are welcomed with delight and an explanation of what they missed when they returned. It is, truly, the only group dynamic I’ve ever been in where no one is excluded, everyone is heard, and no one feels left out.

I’m the kind of person who holds loosely to her friends. I have learned over the past 22 years that I will be replaced, that the inevitability of friendship is that it ends. And maybe that’s true in this case as well. I don’t know. I can’t see the future. But what I can see is every time someone calls the chat their family, or says they feel they can turn to us when things are hard. I see the love and time and energy that is poured into advising, encouraging, uplifting and comforting one another. I have watched as so many of my friends have come out of their shells, been just a little more vulnerable with one another, practiced bravery and openness and been met with kindness and acceptance.

I’ve since left the server where this all started, and though I’ve lost that common space, nothing in that space has changed. The chaos has spilled over onto Tumblr as well - I often see posts reblogged by my friends with mentions of that space, inside jokes, or me in the tags.