Zhar v Vari ficlet
"Forgive this expression of doubt, Arbiter, but... how can we be sure we can trust the San'Shyuum if they are found?"
While he did not want to worry his audience, Thel could not help but hesitate in his answer. It had been many years now, yet the memory of Zhar and that damnable operation at the Rubble would resurface at the back of his mind from time to time. Often, these were thoughts full of regret - and not just because Regret was the one who set them on that path.
Thel had slain his friend to save the life of Truth, only to be the one that killed Truth in the end. He had killed his friend out of unwavering loyalty to the Hierarchs, regardless of what they'd dictate his fate to be and regardless of the smears on their usually spotless reputations. The "reward" for this murder was to be set on the path of discovering the depths of the Hierarchs' deception and leading his people out of the Covenant and into new conflicts amongst themselves, although Thel 'Vadamee had not known that until the time finally came. At times, the death of Zhar felt pointless and in vain. Yet wisdom would triumph and Thel would remember that everything that happened in the wake of Zhar's death might never have even happened had that crucial moment gone differently.
Before his eyes, it was as if Zhar had been resurrected, purely to ask this question of him. To give Thel another chance to think through all he had witnessed of the "Prophets" and come to a new conclusion. To give Thel another chance to relay this new conclusion to his concerned ally - the soldier under his command and responsibility - and ease the confusion suppressed everywhere except in the comfort of Thel's presence. If he answered differently, would it finally put the ghost of Zhar to rest?
With a blink of the eye, though, Thel's mind completely resurfaced back to reality. The one who stood before him - still waiting for an answer, or perhaps more like reassurance given his nervous shifting of his stance - was Vari 'Damat. As if the brief pause never happened, the Arbiter slipped back into the conversation.
"Do not apologize for having concerns, 'Damat. Had there been more freedom for doubt within the Covenant, a lot of our recent struggles might have been avoided. But we must remember something. It was the Hierarchs the purposefully deceived us. It was they who lusted for power, at any and all costs. Grievance for those actions can only be bestowed on them. For any other San'Shyuum, they must be judged for what they have done - and only for what they have done. And for more San'Shyuum than you think, what they have done is help us, even when it came at a cost for themselves and even when the easier choice would be to forsake us like the Hierarchs.
"There is always risk when it comes to trusting another. Trusting another species, trusting your own species, trusting your family, your neighbors, your... leaders. You trust me, but how can you be so sure? That I will not turn out like the Hierarchs? That I will not fail you? That my chosen path is the right way?
"I no longer hold any faith in gods, for I gained nothing and lost everything when I did. But I will continue to have faith in the people of this galaxy, as long as they prove themselves, as every loss as a result of that faith is evened out by a time that faith was rewarded. And... if I can not trust anyone in this galaxy but myself, then what point is there to doing anything? To emerge from my bed? To preserve myself in this world? To go after any opportunity that life presents to me? To do anything? It is ultimately better to open oneself to trust in others than it is to decay slowly in solitude."
Having remained silently captivated throughout this monologue, Vari dipped his head when he realized that it was over. A moment passed as he digested it, then put his hand over his chest for a salute.
"I am grateful for your counsel, Arbiter... My mind and hearts still fail to reach a conclusion, but I will meditate on this perspective for as long as it takes."
As Vari was dismissed, Thel was hopeful that he had said the right words this time, and that he would not make the wrong choice again when Vari's conclusion was made.
