I wrote today.
You’ll remember how it feels decades later. Lying in your cheap, uncomfortable college bed, wearing your pink kitten slippers, staring at the subtle shadows from the dancing trees being portrayed on the corner of your wall. And I know that sounds so played out…but only because it’s real life. Feelings no one will ever teach you to endure, emotions no will ever guide you through to make sure you go North and not South. At that moment, you’ll begin to understand all those people slithering through their destructive lives. The trench in your abdomen will be some hesitant reminder of “I told you so.” You will not feel pretty or smart…actually you won’t feel very worthy of anything. If you are like me, you won’t even want to get out of bed. That will feel equivalent to the exhaustion you work up from swimming against the strongest current. Except it’s fake. It’s in your head. It’s an illusion. No, it’s real. Every eye blink will provide some sense of false clarity only to smudge up again. The ability to see this existence as being anything other than tainted will be intangible. Everything will split into tiny particles…
Everything will be grey in your perception…
Everything will go from light to heavy…
Everything will be still and feel like it is conquering you…
Everything will be something that it’s not.
It will hurt to hear those words.
But it will be the frame in which you exist.
I wanted to tell you that no matter how long I make this description of heartbreak, you will feel it just as severe. No amount of words will ever prepare you for what comes at the end of every beginning. And I’m sorry that any of this has to ever live inside of you.
Set your clocks and watch it go.
