#vanilla mace

my friends call be a loser cause i’m still hanging around

"you're seriously flying to fucking kentucky of all places to meet up with a girl you met on the internet" your best friend chuckled from your bed, helping you pack by offering emotional support.

"well when you say it like that I sound like a loser. we've met up in person a million times before. you've even met her before" you defended, still contemplating whether four halter tops was too much.

"yeah cause you are a loser. like it or not she's technically your little internet girlfriend. swear you guys are always doing something together. i'm surprised you're not on call right now" she added

"no. stop making it weird. me and katie are just friends"

""uhuh" she mumbled, continuing to watch her movie.

i’ve heard so many rumors that im just a girl that you bang on your couch

"they definitely fucking" katie read her chat. she had a habit of reading the most egregious comments whenever you two were together. "chat no. we are just friends. plus, i'm never losing my virginity because i never lose" she made her infamous mog face.

technically you weren't fucking- present continuous tense. it happened once at a meetup in la. vanilla, qt, katie and you decided to go to a concert together. when you got back, she said you could sleep in her bed, because you didn't want to be alone that night. then one thing led to the other.

you never did address it though. the next morning you both just went along with life,l like nothing happened. you figured that you were both tired,and practically delirious. accidents happen all the time. they just aren't supposed to feel good. you're not supposed to want accidents to happen again.

i thought you thought of me better. someone you couldn’t lose. you said “we’re not together” so now when we kiss i’ve got anger issues

you've always hated nonchalant guys. so part of you wondered what was it about her attitude which was basically the same that drew you in.

the first time you met up since the "thing" was when katie invited you to kentucky to spend the easter weekend with her family.

you landed about two hours ago and now you were on her bed, lips in slow embrace. you probably shouldn't be in this situation. friends don't kiss like that. at least in your mind they didn't. maybe to katie they did.when she finally pulled away, the girl urged you to meet her parents who knew you were coming. "oh this is my friend by the way, the one i'm always talking to online" she told

hmph

"nice you meet you both" you beamed at her parents, katie's mom immediately pulling you into a hug like you were her own child, her father shaking your hand.

dinner wasn't as bad as you thought it would've been. it was just casual. too casual. you were just making out with this girl an hour ago, and now she was asking you to pass the salt like you were just friends. that word really irked you. katie used it, her parents used it. after a while you even started using it. but you know you didn't want to be just friends. who would want to be just friends after that. friends don't have makeout sessions with law and order: svu playing in the background, immediately after a dinner filled with that stupidly infuriating word.

you said baby, “no attachments”

katie had this thing that whenever you were together on stream, she'd "fake" flirt with you, and shoot her shot and you'd play along with them.

"would you rather be really beautiful or really smart" she read the chat, you busy with the puzzle you were both supposed to be solving.

"smart. definitely"

"you're both" she smirked at you, and you just looked away smiling at the chat, over exaggerating your facial expressions so they could grasp it was a joke.

this was a common thing. someone in the chat says something, and she responds, more often than not making a joke that she's "shooting her shot" with you. she'd always clarify with the chatafter that it was just a joke, you were just friends, and a great streaming partner because you took all the jokes like a champ.

jokes aren't supposed to get your hopes up. jokes aren't supposed to give you a deluded sense of hope that whatever happened, was because there was something real behind it. that they weren't just casual.

knee deep in the passenger seat and you're eating me out. is it casual now? two weeks and your mom invites me to her house in long beach, is it causal now?

you had been home alone in your empty apartment for two months since katie's last visit. within those two months of distance, you were still basically always together. if it wasn't streaming together, it was facetime. if it wasn't facetime it was constant texting about the most random things.

"oh by the way, are you free this weekend?" she asked over the phone, keeping you company as you rearranged your closet for the third time this month.

"yeah, plus nora went to mexico with her boyfriend so i basically have no one in town to talk to." you responded

"oh. my mom has this family reunion thing in long beach, and she wants you to come." she spoke. you could hear the smile through your speaker

"your mom or you?"

"no comment" she muttered

"hmm okay, sure. i'd love to come"

"yes!" she cheered, immediately calming herself down "i mean cool. thanks dude"

"you're welcome. i know your mom, among other people miss me" you chuckled"wonder who those people are" she feigned ignorance "i can't wait for you to meet my family. they're gonna love you"

you were pretty excited. her parents were literal angels on earth, so you couldn't wait to see what her extended family was like. her mom (and she) wanted you to go as far as to meet them. really close friend shit.

i know what you tell you friends it’s casual. if it’s casual now, baby get me off again if it’s casual. it’s casual now.

this was your second meetup with Katie this month. this time you paid a visit to la to play in the streamer games. you were both clad in pink jerseys marked with your streamer tags at the back and team vanilla in front.

"hey gorg" vanilla greeted you with a tight hug, katie standing right behind you. "my favorite girl" you smiled, pulling back"woah, hello. i'm right here" katie jokingly interrupted.

“you’re number two” you joked, and she rolled her eyes playfully. “no only i’m supposed to be your favorite”

“hold on babe your gloss is smudged” vanilla muttered, gently wiping the smudged gloss from your lips, not noticing katie subconsciously wiping hers to make sure there was no incriminating evidence.

“this is so gross please leave her alone. she’s for me” katie joked after she made sure there was nothing that could hit at anything happening between you two.

part of you was happy that she was finally showing an inkling of wanting. you just wondered why she wasn’t always like this. you wanted her to always be like this. to be possessive over you.

sadly you don’t always get what you want. you instead get random glances throughout the day, and silent treatment unless it was to speak to you for the stream. you wanted to be upset but you couldn’t bring yourself to. because then it would be weird for the best friend katie brought to be so possessive. she keeps using that word with you.

you really wanted to be upset about what she tells them. but it’s quite hard to do that when both your brain and the windows are foggy.

dumb love, i love being stupid. dream of us in a year. maybe we’d have an apartment and you’d show me off to your friends at the pier

“chocolate or vanilla” she asked you, preparing to order the ice cream for you both at your “date” to the fair. it wasn’t a date date considering you were simply friends but you both looked you best. katie even put in extra effort to win you a few plushies at the games, one being the huge panda you had in hand.

“vanilla” you answered

“seems like your taste is the same across multiple mediums” she joked, handing the ice cream cone covered in sprinkles.

you thanked her sincerely, licking away at your ice cream, occasionally tasting sips of her cookies n’ cream milkshake as you walked through the darkening fair, her hand rested in yours, fingers intertwined

“oh my gosh no way it’s you guys!” a fan squealed, taking you and katie off guard. she nervously pulled her hand away from yours and returned the fan’s hyper energy.

putting on the most genuine smile you could, you took a picture with the girl, even making a tiktok with her and katie to the iconic “pimped out chevrolet” sound. the girl was so sweet and was basically skipping away when you were done, but when you and katie continued the walk though of the fair, she kept her limbs a safe distance from yours.

that’s fair. you can’t expect her to want to be public. you weren’t even a couple. barely even counted as friends with benefits. maybe her hands got sweaty and she didn’t want to hold yours anymore because she knew your issue with certain textures. yeah. that makes sense.

it’s hard being casual when my favorite bra lives in your dresser. and it's hard being casual when i’m on the phone talking down your sister

“then my fucking game crashed again” katie finally finished her rant “anyway. how are you? how’s rio?”

you and nora, your roommate were spending a week over there for a friend from high school’s wedding. it was a few hours ahead so you were lying in bed, staring into space speaking to the girl, trying not to wake your sleeping friend.

“it’s chill. really pretty here. the two bad things so far are i can’t find my cute bra, the pink victoria’s secret one we got at the mall even though i swore i packed it, and we just got back to the hotel. did a hike this morning and clubbing just now so my legs are killing me” you answered

“that sounds nice. also i have your bra” she resolved nonchalantly

“what do you mean you have it katie?” you raised a brow as if she could see your face. “yeah, you left to the last time you came to kentucky. it’s literally in my dresser with some other clothes you forgot”

“oh my bad. i think my brother is passing by the apartment on his way to jersey. do you mind shipping it out so he can leave it with my neighbors?” you queried

“no you’re fine. i’ll keep them. you always complain about not having clothes when you come over” she nonchalantly spoke “okay cool”

literally how was that casual.

and i tried to be the chill girl who holds her tongue and gives you space. i try to be the chill girl, but honestly im not

“what are we” you blurted out. in the middle of the third season of brooklyn 99 you just had to know. your lips were slightly swollen still and your legs were intertwined with katie’s laying on her bed.

“friends.” she answered, still paying attention to the show “really?” you asked again.

“best friends?” she looked at you

you couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not. “katie friends don’t do what we do” you tried. there had to be something more. there was no way she was running you mad just for the love of the game.

“we’re special friends. that’s what i like about us.”

special? that’s the best she could come up with? special?

“oh okay cool. love ya special friend”

“love you too”

katie spoke so casually just watching her show in peace. you wanted to yell and scream. you wanted to be angered. but you couldn’t. because no matter how much she tried to keep what you did as just friendly activities you couldn’t find it in you. part of you didn’t care how much it hurt because it was katie. didn’t care how much it annoyed you because it was katie.

you just wanted a label, it at least a removable sticker tag. not just friends.

but you took it because it was her.

i fucked you in the bathroom when we went to dinner. your parents at your table, you wonder why i’m bitter.

the “thing” happened again. this time it was just in a slightly cramped accessible restroom of a fancy restaurant that she and her parents invited you to.

you were upset because of a myriad of things, and the cherry on the cake was your shoe was way too uncomfortable to be in all night, so she offered to cheer you up.

but even getting off doesn’t cheer everything up, because that just made your mood worse. she was willing to do anything and everything for you, even going as far as to massage your feet from under the table, but refused to even consider referring to you as her girlfriend.

your mood soured more and more into the dinner, but with her parents being two sweet souls, forced that smile like your life depended on it.

it was after dinner the issue arose.

“katie we have to talk” you demanded as soon as you stepped foot into her room, hustling to take the heels and dress of to change into a pair of joggers and a sweater.

“that’s not good” she joked. that was starting to get old now. not everything was a joke.

“yeah no. it’s not. i really don’t know what you want from me but im willing to let you live without it.” you smarted, pulling out her drawers getting clothes and access and shoving them into your suitcase.

“what are you doing. relax” she urged, sitting on her bed. “don’t tell me what to do” you snapped

“i have wasted a year of my life trying to figure out what we are and playing a game of will she won’t she with myself. i can’t do this— relationship stuff thing when you won’t even acknowledge me as more than just a friend to you” you held back tears

“what do you mean?” you almost crashed out at her worlds “katie, friends don’t boink, friends don’t make out, friends don’t go on outings reserved for couples, friends don’t get possessive and friends don’t play with each others feelings”

“i had no idea you felt this way”

“yes you did. i have on multiple occasions asked what are we, if it’s weird what we do and if normal friends do that. well the answer is no. i’m so tired of being strung along because i know that you don’t want to make a commitment like that.” you cried. “i’m going back to the city tomorrow. notas getting me from the airport. i’m gonna stay in a hotel something” you grabbed you suitcase and headed out her bedroom door.

“wait! is this about what happened at dinner? because if it is im sor—” “it’s more than just dinner katie. i cannot be just friends with you because i will run mad and clearly you need to be just friends with me or the same happens”

“please don’t”

“i have to. im sorry” you gave her one last hug, not bothering to hear what she had to say about it, turning around to head into the uber you’d called on the way back from the restaurant.

that night, you cried the most you have since high school graduation because there was no way that could’ve been casual. the past year was so far from casual to you, but was the pinnacle of casualty to katie which was exactly why you had to leave. this was a decision for your mental health. so you didn’t chop your head off from being a bit more than casual with your best friend.

i hate that i let this drag on so long. i hate myself. i hate that i let this drag on so long you can go to hell.

you had been back home for a full month and you still weren’t over it. who knew your first lesbian situationship real up could’ve been more agonizing than the first relationship breakup.

you and nora had gone through probably ten pints of hagen das and four packs of cookie dough in various forms this month because the sugar filled the hole in your heart that katie once used to fill.