#valortalk

[Mist, I updated the memory log. Remind me to add to it in another post. Or Jay even. My memory is shit so yeah help a nigga out lmfaoo].

[Oh also if Kol seems kinda laggy it's cus they disassociated h a r d when I had a flashback and needed to log. Oops.]

[Oh and remind them to eat!!! Turns out a trigger of mine is being hungry]

[Name's Valor. I use he/they pronouns. I'm the Protector here, even if I blow up sometimes. Sometimes I dunno what I am. All I do know is that I don't wanna exist at all. I'm kinda staying alive to cause pain for the body. Also maybe set shit on fire? Program some stuff here and there.]

[I hold a crappy mix of memories from different parts of Kol's shitty life. Some from being young as crap. Some from even the last couple of years.

[Nothing from just one part of their trauma. It's dumb. Kinda like I'm multiple puzzle pieces in this shitty board game]

[I flick lighters when pissed off and pop off way too much- according to everyone else. I'll post when I feel like it. Expect dumb memes and angry shit.]

[So yeah that's it.]

[Feelin numb right now so I decided to write. Being cooped up here's given us time to switch more for better or worse. Personally, don't need to switch as much unless Jay's around. Fuckin decided to eat sugar. He seriously needs to remember Kol's health problems damnit! I'm not losing them. Not again....

[A memory I told Kol about. In ND we lived with Raven's parents. It was the worst thing ever. I'm having anxiety just writing about it but damnit I have to get through it- Anyway. Her GFS mom screamed at her for sleeping with Kol. Not even in a sexual way. They just ended up cuddling and fallin asleep. Kol woke up to her gfs mom threatening to kick them out.]

[She was yellin so Tiny reacted. Waited in fear then left the house. She walked in the snow and decided to sit under a tree, cryin and askin to die....it scared me. For the girst time in a long time I was afraid of dying....had to calm Tiny down. Ended up with her ripping out some of Kol's hair. Glad Tiny ended up by a tree instead of running into the street to be ran over. She was so damn close. I had to stop her and it worked. Dunno how]

[Came home and Raven was worried. Just told her we went on a walk. Tiny really wanted to die. So damn badly. The entire system was affected. It had Ko goin dormant before all of this went down. Meadow was scared shitless and cried. Yellin triggers her too. Gotta remember that.]

[It was such a shitty time. As a trauma holder only I can remember it. Well...one of them. Tiny probably remembers this too. Need to ask her about it since she was very suicidal and was close to trying.]

[Had my own impulses lately. Ended up buyin some lighters since cigs ain't an option no more. Damn smoking age raised to 21. Least we have a year but Raven won't kiss us if we smoke so need to be careful. I flick lighters. Fire calms me down....so even if I ain't smokin, it's okay. I can have fire to myself. Wish Kol had candles.]

[I hold a lot of pain in me. Too much. Should be crying but I can't. I ain't. I don't know how anymore. Meadow and Tiny do most of the cryin nowadays]

[There's more memories of ND but don't have the energy to write them right now. It's too much. I can't handle it. I'm tired. Always tired.]

[I'm not suicidal but if a bus came to hit me, wouldn't exactly complain y'know? If I was given an option to jump? I would.]

[But it ain't just my body. Tiny, Meadow, Jay and Ko have this shit too. Can't exactly go killing myself. Rave loves me. It'd break her heart. Love her too much to do somethin dumb]

[Yeah I love her. Didn't think I had a heart until she kissed Kol on their date. Things felt better. I felt whole and loved n shit. Still do.... I wanna marry her. But wanna deal with these memories first.]

[Too many. Too much. Too little time. I'm tired so I'm gonna try and sleep a lil bit]