#vague vent

People pmo sometimes

I'm doing home school this year for my senior year and my mom (no hate to my mom btw, she means well and she's the best mom I could ever have) keeps saying she doesn't want me to miss out so she keeps bringing up school stuff I could join in on for my senior year.

"The senior sunrise is coming up, it's at 5am" I tell her I don't want to do any school stuff and she says "but your friends are still there!"

Mom. I love you but I don't really have any friends! And no I'm not saying that in a "I'm so broken, no one likes me" way I LITERALLY mean that. Like- I HAVE friends but they're not really friends you know? Yeah I call them that but I view them the same way i view any person. A person. I don't like school and i JUST want to get by and graduate so I can go to college. I don't want to feel tied down.

Some might call me selfish for that but I'm okay with it. I'm tired of telling people my feelings only for them to twist my words and make it sound bad. My mom gets me and so do my siblings but there's always those few times that are like- do you REALLY get me? Can I REALLY trust you with this information?

I've been through SO many therapists but I don't feel like they understand what I'm really saying.

I don't want to upset people. I don't want people to hate me or feel like I'm doing something to intentionally hurt them.

I feel like my brain is like a tangled ball of yarn and anytime someone tries to untangle it, it just gets more tangled and knotted.

There's nothing worse than a day where something horrible has happened, and you just can't bring yourself to do anything. Can't read, can't draw, can't write, can't play anything, can't even bother to open the curtains. Everything you normally do feels weirdly ill-fitting. And no matter what you do, you feel sick. Something's now missing, and you know exactly what. That's what's going through my head right now.

I still want to post at least one piece of art today, as I've been doing so for months now and I don't want to break my record or whatever, but expect whatever I do post to be a bit... stilted, maybe.

It's fine I can handle a moot that was supposed to be my friend blocking me yea mhm so totally not crashing out hahaha yep I'm completely fine 100% not gonna fucking kill myself hahaha uh huh this is fantastic for me it's not like I'm fucking sobbing erratically or anything no not at all why would anyone think that I'm not okay when I'm doing absolutely amazing right now there's no reason to check up on me or anything why would you need to do that when you can clearly see that I'm perfectly fine you have nothing to worry about so there is absolutely no reason to interact with me at all- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!