#vagary

The thing about being an artist –or an aspiring one, for the matter– was that you were either too crazy or too dumb. In your case, it was probably the two combined. What an awful mixture. But life was excited when you didn’t pay attention, when you went with the flow and let yourself go.

You could’ve used a heads up, that letting yourself go this much was probably going to get messy, then again, when did you ever hear what people had to say? When did you ever take people’s opinions into account?

Rarely. No, scratch that, you never did. But that was a good thing, right? To do whatever the hell made you happy?

Well, you still could’ve used a hint of a warning. Maybe, if it had existed, it would’ve remained hidden in the back of your head but no one did and you couldn’t blame them. No one really knew this would happen. There was no one to blame but yourself, and him, of course.

It was the two of you.

The moment everything started to go downhill was just another day in the office for you, not that you knew in advance, that it was going to be the beginning of a whirlwind taking over your life.

A full blown-out storm and you stood in the eye of the hurricane. The hurricane had his name.

You groaned, hearing how the alarm blasted all around your room. The light coming through the blinds was too bright and you wanted to throw something at it to make it stop… Not that it would help in the slightest, of course.

With more laziness than difficulty, you sat at the edge of your bed, stretching out every muscle that had been cramped up by you staying in bed for longer than usual. Baekhyun would definitely yell at you for being tardy again. Not that his scolding had that much of an effect in you.

Who said studying and working night shifts was an easy thing to do? Literally no one, no one ever dared saying that but you wanted to convince yourself that it wasn’t all that soul consuming.

“How many days on a row can you be late for me to start worrying about your sleeping habits?” Baekhyun half laughed, half complained, offering you a sip of his coffee, which you declined with a scrunched up nose. No caffeine with an empty stomach, you had learned that the hard way.

“It’s not a big deal, no one is ever on time, anyways”. You disregarded his comment as you started walking down the street next to him, earning a huff from your friend.

This routine you two had was something you were really grateful for.  Baekhyun made it less miserable around here, especially when you had to drag yourself out of bed everyday after going to sleep at four in the morning and had to endure most of your day with people who thought they were better than you at literally everything, for all you knew, they could even consider themselves better a breathing.

You weren’t fond of people at the Academy but Baekhyun was okay, he made it more than bearable to be there, setting aside the fact that you were trying to make a living out of the Arts, which was a pretty difficult task but you wouldn’t give up.

Giving up was for the weak and yeah, you might be weak at times, but you were too stubborn to admit that.

“Just a quick question though, how many times do I have to visit you at your job until you start giving me free drinks? You know, on the house because of being your best friend?” Baekhyun raised his eyebrows at you, a glimmer in his eyes, the glimmer that appeared every time he wanted to persuade you –or anyone, really– to do what he wanted.

“When you start paying for my rent, food, overall living expenses and the tuition, perhaps?” You smiled at him as you opened the heavy glass door.

“Buzzkill”. He scoffed, trailing closely behind you.

Days went by quicker and smoother when you shared lessons together. Baekhyun was like a painkiller in the form of a human being, an ibuprofen of sorts. You had always been quite bad with analogies but he was the remedy to your questionable mood, mostly in the mornings, and that’s why he was your best friend.

If you could’ve predicted that he had gotten you involved in the situation with him, though, you probably would’ve punched him or kicked him in the groin, at least. But it wasn’t his fault, either.

No one was aware, really. That should’ve been a red flag, right there; the fact that everything was well kept under the covers, so smoothly, so perfectly. You should’ve seen it coming, but you were blind.

The clinking of the glasses and the loud music, the bass making every single thing in the room to bounce rhythmically, everything was all too familiar for you now. You didn’t love it but you had grown used to it by now. Like that mosquito that keeps buzzing around your head late at night, it’s annoying but at one point it just became background noise. You either ignored it or went to sleep with it flying around.

Your job was the mosquito you couldn’t kill, of course. Not that you could kill an entire bar, it would be senseless.

The dim lightning and the dense air didn’t affect you anymore. The sweaty bodies, people slurring senseless words, none of that grossed you out anymore; you had learned to find the amusement on it all; you also had learned how to deal with unpleasant situations, hence the small pepper spray that you always carried around in either your back pocket or tucked somewhere in your bra.

You used to carry around a Taser until your boss scolded you for it and threatened to fire you if you continued to bring the ‘demonic device’, as he had called it, to work, because, according to him, it gave off the wrong image.

You had huffed as his statement that night. Of course he was against it, he had never been in your position; he had never been in a woman’s shoes before; he had never been harassed by some drunken, annoyingly persistent male until there was no choice but to scape or call the police. He had never been bothered by that and it showed.

But you caved because you couldn’t afford to be fired, because your parents were right when they told you you couldn’t make a living out of singing and painting, alone. You’d been too rebellious and immovable to listen to them before and now you still were too rebellious as to admit that they had been right all along.

“C’mon, what is a beautiful lade like you doing sitting here all by herself? I’d love to keep you company”. You heard a man’s slurry voice say from somewhere to your right, as you rested with your elbows over the counter.

You had to physically hold back the urge to vomit. You kept an eye on said man with your peripheral, clenching your fists a bit tighter every time he leaned in closer to a woman that was clearly too uncomfortable and who tried to decline him all-too-subtly for her own good.

You could tell she was new to this whole bar life. Too young to be on her own, unfortunately.

The man leaned in to the woman’s ear and you groaned with greeted teeth, standing up straight and trying to focus your contained rage to steady your voice and not blabber on your attempt to scare him off. Not that you looked that scary on the outside, you had to compensate with words and a strong stance, instead.

“Let me enforce my right to butt in into this situation. Lay off of her bud, unless you want me to knock you out”. You said, voice calm yet fists clenched tightly.

The disheveled man looked you up and down, sending shivers of disgust down your spine. You hated specimens like him.

“I have enough attention to give to the two of you, no need to be jealous, dear”. He laughed, almost choking on his own spit in the process. Gross, of course.

“Not really something I’d like. Now leave or I’ll make you leave”. You crooked an eyebrow at him, instinctively reaching for your pepper spray. It wasn’t legal of you to use it on him, of course, but at least it’d scare him off.

“And who are you to tell me what to do, huh? I paid to be here, drinking what you serve me, miss”. And not only was he a gross, harassing one but one with arrogance to share. Just great, just the way you liked them.

“Someone with enough authority in this place to not only get you kicked out but banned forever, now scatter, creep”. The man’s face hardened, letting the arm he had around the poor female fall to his side, tensing his jaw in an attempt to intimidate you.

The only effect he had on you was to be even more nauseous, though.

“You heard her. Get out”. An unexpected deep voice said from somewhere behind the scruffy man.

Your backup of sorts stood tall behind him, wearing a rather tight black t-shirt, arms sporting a couple tattoos, that popped-up even more when he crossed his arms over his chest, his shaggy dark hair covering half his forehead. You smirked.

The man, clearly threatened by the much taller individual, muttered something under his breath before trying to compose himself as he walked away, probably cursing you off. It happened more than you’d like.

The woman smiled at you and thanked you before standing up and disappearing in the crowd of people. You hoped she had gone off to find her friends; you wouldn’t like her to be alone anymore.

Quite the protector you were, looking out for women when no one really asked you to. You did it, not because it was your job, but because you knew how sick and disgusting it felt.

The tall man sat on the stool the woman had emptied just seconds before, resting his elbows on the counter as his eyes were glued to your face.

“What can I get you?” You asked him with raised eyebrows and a small smile once you had lost sight of the girl.

“Rum and coke?” He replied with the same deep voice. You shivered but nodded nonetheless and gave him his order right after, to which he nodded in gratitude.

“Must be interesting… To witness things like these every day. Isn’t it a bit too much to handle?” He asked after taking a few sips of his own drink and after you were done preparing a couple other drinks. You huffed.

“I don’t really work everyday, thank God, but yes… Anyhow, drunken men aren’t that difficult to decipher once you’ve been around them long enough. Their masculinity gets really shaky when a woman calls them out and threatens them”.

He laughed at your comment, even when the music was too loud for anyone to hear, you could tell he had quite the harmonious laugh, the kind that would make anyone fall to their knees and surrender, you could tell by the wrinkles that formed under his eyes.

“Psychology major?” He asked once you were back in front of him after washing a couple glasses. You scoffed.

“Not quite. Arts, actually”. You replied with a pursed smile. His lips formed a perfect round shape. You smiled and looked down at your feet as you shifted your weight onto the other leg. “Wouldn’t be working here if I was a psychology major, would I?” You cackled, it was sour, to admit your hardships –sort of– to a complete stranger.

It was okay, you were pretty sure you wouldn’t see him again.

“Touché”. He laughed again, igniting the sweat in the palms of your hands to run like an open faucet. You connected the reaction to the fact that it was pretty rare to find someone who you could have a decent conversation at a place like this, that was it. You hoped that was it but at the same time, you didn’t want it to be it.

“Then, I guess we’re just optimistic artist, hoping we can make it big while doing something we love”. Your stomach flipped, maybe it was just the remainders of the nausea being washed away by this man’s presence. Maybe that was it or maybe it was the enthusiastic idea that you had found someone who understood you, someone else other than Baekhyun.

“I guess so”. You smiled back at him but your smile dropped when he stood up and handed you a twenty-dollar bill. You hoped he didn’t notice and hoped he wouldn’t label you as the bartender who grew attached to him in the span of twenty minutes.

“I’ll see you around, then”. You wanted to ignore the numbness that appeared when your fingers touched, you wanted to ignore the reaction your body was having to this complete stranger that had, somehow, made your night way better than you had expected.

You just smiled at him, too scared to do or say anything else. Too anxious to give off the wrong impression. You were supposed to act cool and detached towards the customers, you were supposed to not let yourself feel instinctively attracted to any of them, yet there you were; following his figure through the crowd until he disappeared through the front door.

-

“Correct me if I’m wrong but I’ve heard you and my boy Chanyeol met?” Baekhyun spit out, one week after the ominous night. You had tried your best not to dwell on the memories of that day, tried to forget the stranger that had turned your boring, mundane night onto quite the memorable one, indeed.

You weren’t sure of the man’s name, you hadn’t asked and he didn’t mention but a part of you knew this mysterious, fallen from the heavens above, man was the same Chanyeol guy Baekhyun was talking about.

“Who?” You asked, baffled. The name didn’t ring any bells inside your head but Baekhyun’s raised eyebrow led you to believe it was a name you should be familiar with. You didn’t want him to be right but at the same time you did. How small could the world truly be?

“Chanyeol? Park Chanyeol? Tall dude, shaggy hair, a couple tattoos? Wears glasses to seem smart although he doesn’t really need them? Has quite the loose mouth and can be rather charming?” Baekhyun insisted, throwing his hoodie over his head as you walked side by side after your lessons were done for the day. The sun was setting behind you as the dwell inside your mind kept increasing its pace.

You pursed your lips, trying to confirm if the same someone you were thinking of would be the one who would fit that description. You were sure, yet you didn’t want to be. Your mind wandered off –once again– to that man from the other night, he who was trying to make conversation out of a rather unpleasant event. Dashing smile. You trembled. The world truly was a confined space.

“Guy that goes out to drink on a Tuesday night without putting any effort onto his outfit?” You snickered at your own comment, trying really hard to sound indifferent.

“That’s the one”. Baekhyun cackled, making you snort at his overreaction. “He mentioned he had met a, and I quote, ‘rather interesting, endearing young female bartender’. Could that possibly be you?” Baekhyun raised his eyebrows at you as you continued walking down the street to where you lived.

“Does your friend really talk like an old man?” You rolled your eyes, trying to hide the blush that was threatening to appear on both your cheeks and ears.

“Sometimes he can be a little… Over the top, when something or someone catches his eye… He’s a nice guy, you two would get along, I’m sure”. Baekhyun smiled at you as he followed you inside, ready to devour a packet of instant ramen, like he did almost every single day.

“Yeah, well…Truly nice guys don’t really exist”. You clicked your tongue as you unlocked the door to your small, humble abode.

“Hey!” Baekhyun half yelled, smacking your shoulder as you entered your apartment, kicked off your shoes and hung your bags on the hanger that was messily placed next to the front door. “I’m right here!” His voice was rising a couple octaves, making you laugh even harder.

“I said what I said, Byun”. You cackled, jogging to leave your offended friend behind as you started to prepare your obviously unhealthy dinner.

“Whatever, just don’t come at me with your tail between your legs when you realize you have fallen in love with him”. You scoffed. Baekhyun truly was optimistic.

You should’ve listened to Baekhyun’s half empty words at the time, of course, but you didn’t because you didn’t think they would be relevant. How wrong you were, of course. Was it humanly possible to have such a lack of common sense?

-

Yet another night came by and Baekhyun was sitting in front of you, blabbering about how this unimportant girl from the Academy always shut him down when he asked her out. Poor little thing, you thought, but you were glad. Baekhyun was too good for anyone there, anyways.

In the midst of Baekhyun’s sulking you saw him coming in again, walking as if the world was beneath him yet, at the same time, he was too timid to make eye contact with the people around him. He was a riddle and you didn’t want to get involved, yet, simultaneously, you felt yourself being pulled in his direction, the only things keeping you from doing so were the counter between you and the public and Baekhyun, of course, whose cheeks were starting to gain that rosy tint.

A friend, you kept repeating to yourself, he could be a friend. Baekhyun was a decent guy with decent judgment; his friends shouldn’t be bad either. But it was something about him. Just seeing him made you suppress a smile. You turned around in your heels as quick as you could without getting whiplash, trying to make it seem like you weren’t just staring, trying to seem distracted with the half empty bottles of liquor that laid under the counter.

You counted ten Mississippi’s, hoping he’d be gone, or that his attention had gone straight to Baekhyun. Maybe he had walked pass the bar and hadn’t noticed you staring, maybe he had dragged Baekhyun to get some fresh air. You hoped he had but at the same time you wanted to talk to him again. He seemed interesting enough.

“For how long can a bartender crouch behind the bar before the client gets exasperated and jumps over there?” You almost choked at the sound of his voice. You thought your encounter with him on the other night had meant nothing, you thought it would be just another passerby memory inside your head, but it was as if your mind had unwillingly memorized the sound of his voice; goosebumps erupting all over your skin when you heard it once more.

You shook your head and forced down a gulp before standing back up and eyeing him with a crooked eyebrow, trying to ignore Baekhyun smiling at you with squinted eyes.

“Until said annoying client points out the bartender’s whereabouts”.  You replied, pursing your lips onto a smirk. You didn’t want to smile at him, especially with Baekhyun there to witness everything, yet you couldn’t help yourself. “Has no one ever told you it’s rude to interrupt someone’s alone time?” You asked, teasingly as you poured him a glass of rum and coke, not bothering to ask what he wanted.

Was it too obvious? To memorize his previous drink? You groaned, hopefully he wouldn’t notice, hopefully he wouldn’t think you were being creepy.

He chuckled and you noticed, even when the flashing lights were going off behind him, that there was a dimple making its appearance on his cheek. What a contradiction of a human being, you thought, to seem so tough yet sweet and innocent at the same time.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re fun to talk to?” You huffed, looking down at his calloused hands as the grabbed the glass in front of him and twirled the liquid in a careless manner.

“You’d be surprised”.  You rolled your eyes before proceeding to prepare a line of shots for the group of women that were, most likely, celebrating a bachelorette party. You could feel Chanyeol’s eyes on you and it made you nervous, something you tried really hard to ignore as you attempted to finish off the pink-toned shots.

“I’m all for surprises”. Chanyeol commented after one waiter took the tray full of shots from your hands. His smile was enticing, like a gravitational force pulling you to him. You wanted to run away but at the same time you didn’t. Your mind was divided, you knew it was probably a bad idea but you couldn’t help the desire to explore the possibilities that came with Chanyeol.

“I’m still here, you know? Hello, Chanyeol, how are you? Have you met my friend yet?” Baekhyun basically barked, interrupting the eye contact you had going on with Chanyeol, hoping the pink neon lights that illuminated the bar would disguise the blush you could clearly feel all over your face.

Chanyeol laughed along with Baekhyun for quite some time after you had been ‘introduced’, as Baekhyun wanted to take credit for that, saying that it was nice to have friends in common now.

You watched from the sidelines, seeing how happy they were around the other, trying to ignore the flips your stomach was doing whenever Chanyeol laughed way too hard and tried to find your eyes across the bar.

A bad idea, yet it felt like waves of intoxicating possibilities. Funnily enough, to think of him as intoxicating when you had met at a bar, of all places.

This is how it started. You wished you would’ve been smarter; you wished you could’ve seen it coming; that loving him was going to be a tragedy. But your vision was too clouded with excitement and your heart was pounding so hard it muted every single hint of sound and movement around you.

It was him. This unforeseen effect, these reactions that your body had never really had before. Everything was because of him, because of his mere presence. An electric current flowing through your bloodstream. It was him.

It was Park Chanyeol. Although at first you didn’t know his name, at first he was just some strangely good-looking man you happened to lay your eyes upon. At first he was just some guy that granted you a smile from across the room, inducing angry electric shocks to originate at the pit of your stomach. It was chemistry, that’s what people said. The perfect reaction and balance between two people that at first didn’t know it but they complemented each other in both the good and bad.

There was a connection before an introduction, the most dangerous of all beginnings. The unpredictable yet thrilling. The expectation that someone like him could be a part of your life, that someone like him would resuscitate the parts of yourself you thought were long gone.

The desire that he could feel even an ounce of what you were feeling.