#utility monsters

i really think, a lot of the time, it would be better if people would just say "i dont want to do that". i mean, the spoons bit is useful if you really would like to, but really cant, or might be able and willing to *later* but cant *right now*.  but in internet discussions a lot of the time its, like, “i dont have the spoons to answer this question” or w/e. but…well, no one has to answer any questions they dont want to answer, and no one has to participate  in an online conversation that they find upsetting! doesnt/shouldnt matter if its “now i’ll be grumpy all day” upsetting or “now i want to kill myself” upsetting. thats not useful to anybody, so they shouldnt, and no one else should get up in their business about it. framing participation in unpleasant/upsetting conversations online as, like, this *obligation* that people have to be seriously impaired or emotional unstable to legitimately “get out of” is fucked in a lot of ways. i think it leads to a lot of meanness, and a lot of…people maybe perpetuating some of their own problems, yeah. in part bc theres no option in the subculture where you can avoid discussions that bug you unless you deem it really important– it has to be a trigger thats beyond your control. which i suspect leads to kind of amping up feelings of fear or disgust in response to things, for some people.

Oh man, I agree with this completely, and I’ve actually been meaning to write a post about this for a really long time.  But you pretty much summed up everything I was going to say.

Like, when we express a desire/preference, we need to choose between expressing it as a want and expressing it as a need.  And Tumblr culture seems to incentivize people to express their wants as needs.

I mean, there are lots of ordinary situations where we express wants as needs, just based on the norms of polite conversation.  If someone says “Hey, want to get dinner tonight?”, one might respond with “Sorry, I need to get work done” instead of “No, sorry, I don’t feel like hanging out with you today”.  And that’s just because rejection is unpleasant, and we tend to avoid doing it overtly.  So it’s much more polite to say “I can’t hang out” than “I don’t want to”.

But, like you say, Tumblr definitely has this norm where needs always trump wants, and people have a moral obligation to deal with each other’s needs.  Like, I remember some posts that were going around after Ferguson (or some similar event), and their goal was to raise awareness of racial injustice.  They had messages like “reblog this post if you believe that black lives matter” and “if you are not outraged right now, then you don’t care about black people”.  Basically, they were trying to rally people to sadness and anger over police brutality.

And my response was, “Nope, sorry, I’m too busy to get involved with this right now.  I have a job, and other causes that I care even more about.  We all have limited time in life, and so we have to choose our battles, and devote ourselves to the things we care about instead of being pulled off-course by every new tragedy.”  Or, more simplistically, I could say, “I don’t want to read about this stuff, because it will just make me really sad without helping anyone, and it’s not a good use of my time.”

But any time someone said this, Tumblr culture would respond, “You don’t want to read about this stuff because it will make you sad?  Well, check your privilege, because the people who are experiencing racial violence can’t just walk away from it the way you’re doing.  Why should you enjoy yourself and be happy when other people are suffering?  They could use your help.  If you are a good and moral person, then you will stop what you are doing and focus on this cause.”

Basically, it seems like on Tumblr, the needs of the more marginalized always trump the needs of the less marginalized.  And the only way to get out of the exorbitant moral obligations is to invent some kind of marginalization for yourself, to invent some need that gives you an excuse to stop engaging with this stuff.  Needs like “I’m triggered by these posts and it’s unsafe for me to read them”.

And like you say, this incentives people to become more and more upset by things, in order for their needs to be strong enough to matter.  Which is basically turning a lot of people into utility monsters.  I feel like this happened to me for a while -- I would only be worthy of sympathy and receiving help if I was suffering badly enough, so I subconsciously modified myself to suffer more, so that I could get the help and moral absolution that I sought.

Anyway, I agree with you that the solution to this problem is...  to respect people’s wants, even when they are not needs.