#ushimoni

Moniwa crouches down, ignoring the blood rush and faint feeling at the sudden movement, willing himself to breathe, to calm down and not make his situation even messier. He clearly had been stupid to let his guard down, but he will berate himself about that later. Now, now he needs to find his gloves so he can leave immediately.

He doesn’t notice the door open, and he nearly jumps off his skin despite the soft, low voice who called his name.

“Are you alright?” Ushijima asks in concern.

“Please don’t come in.” Moniwa exclaims without looking at him. “Where are my gloves?” He clutches his hands in his chest, keeping it away from Ushijima’s sight. He’s breathing heavily, his heart is pounding like crazy and he’s feeling really faint. He’s a thread away from completely freaking out, and only getting his gloves back keeping him focused.

“Moniwa-”

“Where are my gloves?!”

Ushijima startles at the tone. “Inside the drawer,” he answers quickly. “Do you need-”

“I’m fine. Just… can you lea- can I be alone, please?”

It takes a few moments, but Moniwa hears the door close and as soon as it does, he dives at the drawer and snatched his gloves and hastily puts in on, scratching himself at the process. He stays there, backed in the corner by the bed and drawer and takes in deep breaths, willing himself to calm down enough for him to have the energy and capacity to leave.

He doesn’t want to go outside and see Ushijima, he’s not ready, but he has to if he wants to leave. Finally, he musters enough courage to stand and be done with it. If he doesn’t come out soon, Ushijima might just try to come in again, and he doesn’t really want that. He can’t.

He slowly opens the door and sighs with a small relief that Ushijima’s not waiting outside. He does find him pacing in the living room, and he stops when he sees Moniwa.

“I’m sorry about that.” Moniwa says in haste, avoiding Ushijima’s eyes. “Thanks for last night. I- I’ll leave now.” He rushes to the door but Ushijima’s in front of him in two strides, blocking his exit, and he almost whines because he’d been so close.

“I… Please… I made breakfast. At least eat.” Ushijima sounds so unsure, far cry from how he usually is.

Moniwa shakes his head, pointedly looking at the floor. “N-No. No need. I need to go,” he sidesteps, but finds himself blocked again, and this time, Ushijima’s stepped closer, his socked feet now almost directly in Moniwa’s line of vision.

He also sees a hand coming up to his face, but Ushijima must have seen him flinch because the long fingers curled on themselves before it can reach him.

However, the soft, pleading “Please, Moniwa. Please look at me,” does.

Maybe one day, Moniwa’s going to be immune to the way Ushijima is soft for him, but today is not that day.

Even though he knows he will regret it, he lifts his head and looks into Ushijima’s deep, olive eyes.

Suddenly, the overwhelming stress and panic brought by the day, the resentment he tries not to feel; the weight of the secret he’s been keeping; the affection he still has and cannot hide… culminates as unbidden tears that fall from his eyes.

---

Ushijima looks at Moniwa with wide eyes, rattled at the sudden outburst of emotion from him, wanting to wipe his tears, wanting to hug and comfort him. He does neither but takes Moniwa to the couch and makes him sit, while he hastily fetches a glass of water.

Moniwa is still sobbing when he comes back, and he hesitantly sits beside him and carefully smoothed a hand on Moniwa’s shaking back. His sobs dwindle down into sniffles, eventually, and he’s deemed it safe to offer the water, which Moniwa took.

“I’m sorry you had to see that” he says thickly.

Ushijima shakes his head, an unspoken ‘it’s alright’. It’s kind of painful to see Moniwa like this, especially after the years they haven’t had any contact. But just because that’s the case, he still wants to be someone Moniwa can feel safe to confide to. He tells him that as much.

All fight from Moniwa is gone, replaced with something akin to resigned acceptance. Perhaps it’s time to stop running away, and time to confront what has caused them to be in this predicament so they can both move on, in whichever direction this conversation will take them.

“I lied to you,” he starts. “About my hands. And my soulmate marks.”

Since it’s easier to show Ushijima than tell him, he peels his gloves off and while there is still hesitation, still the ingrained habit of keeping it hidden, he forces himself to bare it all and finally, finally reveals his palms to the very same person he said he’ll never show it to.

The soothing hand on his back stops and Ushijima inhales and stiffens beside him.

“My initials,” he whispers.

“It could be anyone,” Moniwa says, out of habit.

“No, that’s me.” Ushijima replies with conviction, as sure as his spike. Moniwa looks at him, then down to the hands that Ushijima also shows, palms-up.

He doesn’t see it a first, took a moment to find it, but in the middle of Ushijima’s large palm are letters.

Moniwa gasps, tears gathering in his eyes because his initials are staring right back at him.

“We’re…” he starts but cannot finish. He’s been denying it for so long despite wanting it to be true, but now it’s here, staring right in front of him, the possibility… the hope he doesn’t know he’s still harboring sparks, but he can’t. Not yet.

He takes the initiative, feeling braver than he’s ever been in his life and hovers his hand over Ushijima’s. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if it doesn’t burn. It’s cruel to have everything he wants, right in front of him only to have it pulled away at the very last moment.

Their palms finally kiss, the ‘W’ on top of ‘K’, and at first nothing happens. And Moniwa’s terrified at the thought that he’d needlessly suffered all this time, until a stinging pain shoots up coming from their connected palms, and travels over their arms, fire licking their nerves, warming up their whole bodies. It lasts only a few seconds, but it only needed that fleeting moment to confirm forever.

Moniwa cries for an entirely different reason. Ushijima finally takes him in his arms.

---

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ushijima can’t help but ask, once they settle down. He asks, even though he knows the answer.

“You know why I didn’t tell you.” Moniwa scoffs wetly. “You were starting to make your lifelong dream come true. I’m so happy for you and I wanted to be there for you, with you but,” he sniffs, fresh tears spilling across his cheeks. “You didn’t want a soulmate; you didn’t want me. And I couldn’t hold you back, can I? I wouldn’t do that you.” He starts sobbing again, and every shaky breath he takes stabs Ushijima’s heart, and he thinks that no amount of apology can make it better.

“I’m so sorry, Moniwa,” he still says, wiping the tears with the pads of his thumbs. Gods, how sorry he is for causing him that kind of pain. For causing them this kind of mess. For denying them time they could’ve been together, because he knows that now.

How wrong he was about how his soulmate would just hold him back, because he knows, without a sliver of doubt that everything would have been better if Moniwa had been there with him. He doesn’t regret his decision, would never regret volleyball, it’s part of who he is and what he will always be. But what he does regret, so, so much, are his words.

“I realized how wrong I was, how misguided I was about the notion of soulmates when I met Iwaizumi in the US when I visited my Dad.”

He tells him about how it was an unexpected meeting but a pleasant one. How easy and fun it had been to talk to someone familiar, their shared love for volleyball an obvious topic of conversation, until it eventually branched out to what their respective teammates and other people they know have been up to.

He already knows Oikawa’s in Argentina -had been for a few years. He’s also heard the rumor that the two are in a relationship, but it still came as a shock to him to learn that they are actual soulmates.

He recalls being so confused at the thought of them being far apart, and more importantly, how fine they seem to be in that situation. Both are clearly driven to follow their passions. It’s not something that’s holding them back, instead it’s a force that keeps them moving forward.

“I will never forget what he told me. After that, I did a lot of reflecting and I understood how mistaken I had been. How calloused I was to say and do that to my soulmate -to you.”

Moniwa’s just looking at him, hanging onto his every word. “What did he say?”

Ushijima stares deeply into his eyes, feeling some of his own tears gather. “He said that it didn’t matter that they’re apart that moment. Because being soulmates is the assurance that at the end of it all, once they’ve done what they both wanted to do and became who they wanted to be, they will always have each other.

“Moniwa, I want nothing more than to undo the hurt I’ve caused you for these past few years. I would if I could.” Ushijima gingerly takes his hands in his, and still the phantom feeling of the confirmation of their bond tingles Moniwa’s palms. “I didn’t realize it back then, but since we’ve lost contact, since you’ve been gone from my life, something had been missing. Now I know why. I guess a part of me already knew that you’re my soulmate even before I did, even before we had each other’s initials.”

He laces their fingers together and clasps Moniwa’s hands in his tightly as he brings it up to his lips and kiss it reverently. “But I can only make up for it now, and I will make it up to you however you want, for the rest of our lives, if you’ll allow me.”

Moniwa realizes he’s wrong then, about being immune to Ushijima being soft, because he doesn’t think he will ever be. And even if he miraculously does then, he knows he cannot, will not, deny this man anything. He leans down and gives Ushijima’s hands a kiss of his own.

“I want nothing more.”

-----

A few years later

“Ushijima-san,” the courtside reporter starts, “congratulations on a good game! How does it feel to play your last game, not just of the season, but your pro career?”

“Thank you. It’s still surreal, I’m still having mixed feelings about it, but as they say, all good things must come to an end, eventually. And I’m fortunate I’m able to do that in my own terms, so it’s still good, overall.”

“Fans are eager to know, what’s next for Ushijima Wakatoshi? Are you going to leave volleyball behind? Or…”

“Oh no,” he says with a shake of his head. “I mean, just because I’m not going to play pro anymore doesn’t mean I wouldn’t play at all. It’s something that I’d like to do for a long time, as long as I still can. If not, then something related to it. I do have offers back home, but they’re not my priority now.”

“What’s your top priority at the moment, then?”

“Well, going home, back to Japan, for starters. I got recently engaged with my soulmate, so planning our wedding takes precedence before anything else volleyball related.”

Behind them, the cacophonous shouts of congratulations from his teammates are heard, some having popped party poppers and champagne. Ushijima is all smiles at the camera as he shows off his engagement ring.

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