#untitled101

“Confused. Lonely. Alone. Worthless.

And the list goes on.

I’m sad. I’m so sad. I actually do not know what to feel. Or let me say it this way, "I don’t even know what do & what to feel in this mess - in my life indeed.”

Yeah, my life is a mess. I’m such a mess. Do not try to put any contrary on it ‘cause I believe in it and I don’t know if I can still believe. This is reality, right? Damn right.

I didn’t expect that. I really didn’t. The least person I believe who will never make me feel so small is you. Yeah it’s you. But now it’s not true. You’re one of them. But don’t worry, I don’t blame you for it 'cause you’re right. Everyone’s right. My life’s a mess, I screwed up and I’m such a mess. A big disgrace in the family and to anyone - everyone.

Look. Reached the age of twenty two without achieving anything? Graduated with Bachelor Degree yet oftentimes stereotyped as non-sense? Had an experience working and earning yet no savings at all? No stable job? Always gets sick? Too sensitive? Too choosy? Doesn’t know where and how to? Too Dependent? Yeah. That’s me. Only me. I know it. Yeah I know it. You don’t have to rub it in my face. You don’t have to tell others about it 'cause I know it. You don’t have to broadcast it to everybody 'cause I know it. I’m just a person who is so full of words but with no actions. So worthless. Just full of shit. And that’s me.

I’m so upset thinking and knowing that I can’t make my family proud. That I can’t be the one they wanted me to be. Don’t worry Mama and Papa, I don’t blame you for me becoming like this. It’s all my fault. Blame it on me.

That’s why I don’t have friends. Or maybe I have friends but they don’t consider me as one? That’s why I’m always alone. That’s why I’m always at home. That’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. That’s why they don’t like me. That’s why they always leave me. It’s all because of me. Only me. No one else to blame.

It’s been how many years since I felt it? Can’t count it anymore. Can’t even remember anything good I did not just for my friends but also to my family. But lemme think again. Did I? Is there really anything good I did before? I think, none. Nothing. Yeah. I believe.

It it with so much pain that I can’t even have happiness. Honestly, there are times that I want to do this “thing” but I can’t. Maybe I’m just thinking that I can’t but maybe I can try? I don’t know. Now I understand why people do that “thing” - to ease the pain they feel and to end up all the sufferings. Maybe I could give a try? I really don’t know.

Will they miss me (when I’m gone)? Will they mourn for me? Will they visit me not just on occassion/s or not they were just forced to do so? Will they remember me? Will they remember even a single thing I did for them? Will I be able to see my Mama and speak and hug and kiss her again? Or will they be much happier to know I’m done here on earth and the worthless and dependent, kiddo brained girl will no longer be seen? I bet the last one.

I still don’t know. I’m really lost. Doing that “thing” always comes in my mind but I don’t know. I believe and I know it’s a sin. Papa Jesus will get mad. And doing that “thing” will bring no happiness at all. But I’m already lost. I really don’t know.