Oct 15, 2025
time to lock out. me? ill be somewhere, chilling vaguely
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time to lock out. me? ill be somewhere, chilling vaguely
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[Unproductivity.]
“You deserve Juneteenth off.” // The Creative Collective NYC ™
Lords of Pain 4/27/22
Reading a self help book, Growing Gills: How to Find Creative Focus When You’re Drowning in Your Daily Life by Jessica Abel, and I get to:
And...
I really don’t know that I am.
So, the natural question: WHY?
Always start with WHY.
And my brain spits out my pain. I hurt. I hurt enough that resting hurts. Am I ready to take action? Friend, I am having enough trouble healing.
Which reminds me that I actually did make myself a commitment before I went into surgery that my primary focus for this stretch of time was going to be healing. That’s my job. Everything else needs to make way for that.
Which maybe means, “no.”
From the book itself: “... if you’re not ready to stop doing some things so you can start doing other things you care about more, then put this book down and back away slowly."
I just don’t know if that is procrastination itself or an honest assessment. Which is a VERY common problem these days. And the not knowing is more than a little distressing.
Doing (or thinking) much of anything these days is more than a little distressing.
And I’m going to be seeing my surgeon for my next followup next week and he’s going to say to me, “Don’t be a hero.” And that really isn’t my problem. Not even close. My problem is choosing which will make me feel better: leaning into the pain enough to move at all or avoiding it so I don’t hurt as much.
I feel like the more I type this, the more my answer is “NO.” The action I need to take is getting up and stretching and maybe wlking a few feet. That may really just have to be enough.
"Today I tried very hard to work. I read all I had written six months ago about women. It does not look bad. But it is very difficult to begin to write again. Just now I don't see exactly why anyone should ever write anything. The world just as it is is so big; it needs no words. "
-Simone de Beauvoir in a letter (dated 24th of May 1947) to Nelson Algren
Seeing icons struggle with working can feel so reassuring sometimes
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Spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing while simultaneously my brain spent the entire day reciting a list of all the things I should be doing
Basically, internally I spent the day with a train wreck of a brain but externally it looked like I had not a care in the world
I’m ready for a new brain and new me now universe. Thank you very much
Do you ever try to do something productive while watching a show knowing this will only make you feel better about yourself even though you wont be able to focus?
I wasn't very productive today but I drew this and left it on my dad's chair to find when he gets home and I think that's enough.