Real Love - Looking for Fulfillment
This past Thursday, we had another awesome night at our Unleashed Young Adults service.Ā This week Pastor Sean continued with his series on Real Love and how to have really wonderful relationships.
Here are some of the big pictures he illustrated, in case you missed it or you want a recap! (And we know it's lengthy...but bear with us! Later blog posts will be shorter, we promise!)
The truth is weāre flawed creatures. And this can become really obvious when weāre in a relationship and we start asking questions like āwhat can I get out of this?ā and āhow can this benefit me?ā And sometimes we donāt even realize it, but weāre really thinking way too much about ourselves and our needs.
But the number one enemy of relationships causes more problems then you can wrap your head around.Ā And it has nothing to do with hogging the sheets or leaving the seat up.
Pastor Sean told us a story about how he has this one friend with a pretty tough life, and heās working through it, doing his best. But then thereās this girlā¦and suddenly itās all about how if he gets her, then everything else will fall into place. Itās like every other problem will be solved if he can just get this girl. Finally then life will be smooth and awesome.
You might know someone like that or that might sound like something youāve experienced yourself. Believe it or not, thereās an old-school real life story that deals with this same problem in Genesis 29. (And you should really read the whole story when you have time, because it's crazy, andĀ this blog post is not going to do it justice!)
Jacob and Esau
Father Abraham had many sons-- er, one son that weāre talking about, named Isaac. Isaac married Rebecca, and then they had two sons named Jacob and Esau.
So to sum up a pretty brutal brotherhood, Jacob deceives his brother and father into getting his older brotherās birthright and blessing, which is a really big deal. Well once his brother Esau finds out what Jacob has done, Esau swears to kill his brother, so Jacob has no choice but to run away to his Uncle Labanās place far away.
At this point, Jacob has nothing. Heās ruined his relationship with his brother and father, deceiving them both. Heās miles and miles away from the one woman who loves him, his mother. His life appears worthless, lonely, insignificant.
Jacob and Rachel
Once Jacob arrives at his Uncle Labanās place, Jacob meets Labanās two daughters, Leah and her younger sister Rachel. Well Rachel is curvy and beautiful and Leah has āweak eyes.ā Guess who Jacob wants to get with? And heās so desperate to get with Rachel, that he promises Laban heāll work for 7 years herding sheep just to marry Rachel, which is crazy, even back then.
But itās not because heās so in love with Rachel, it's not this incredibly romantic gesture. Heās desperate for validation, for feeling worthy, feeling fulfilled. His life is a real mess, and he thinks that if he could just get this girl, then everything will be alright. His life will be restored. The void will be filled.
Our Pseudo-saviors
In Denial of Death, secular atheist Ernest Becker writes about how Americans "arenāt willing to admit the degree in which we will go to make up for [our] lack of spiritual fulfillment." So we go looking for it in our soul mates, the perfect solution to our problems.
You know what that looks like in our world? Men doing whatever they have to in order to have sex with attractive women in order to feel successful and fulfilled. And women will go out looking to have sex with powerful men so she can feel important.
Jacob did it. We do it. We make saviors of the opposite sex, hoping that they will save us from our own hurt, fill our void, make us important.
Not What He Thought
Alright, back to Jacob. 7 years pass, the wedding day finally shows up. As is tradition, the bride is veiled for the entire wedding event, sun up to sun down, in a veil you can barely see through. And that night, Jacob and his wife spend the night together in the dark, but in the morning, he sees itās Leah in his bed, not Rachel! What!? It was Leah veiled the whole time!
But when Jacob goes to yell at Laban, and says, āYou deceived me!ā Jacob realizes his father Isaac said the exact same thing when he had stolen his older brotherās blessing. Ouch. Then Laban says Leah needs to be married first, becauseĀ itās not custom for the younger to be preferred over the older.Ā Double ouch. Isnāt that exactly what Jacob did to his own brother?
So Jacob was looking for a savior, but he comes out deceived, disillusioned, and disappointed. His perfect solution to all his problems was all for naught.
Leah and Jacob
Okay, so about Leah. The Bible tells us she had āweak eyes,ā which probably means she just wasn't very attractive. Meanwhile her younger sister is stunning, and their dad Laban is just trying to get rid of Leah at the first opportunity. Sheās living in her younger sisterās shadow. So you can guess how much self-esteem Leah has right about now, right?
Well to Leah, Jacob is the answer to her problems! Leahās got Jacob on that pedestal just like Jacob has Leah on a pedestal! So she starts popping out baby boys, which is the ultimate act of fulfillment for a woman in Hebrew culture. And she names them in hopes of Jacob taking notice, Rueben (to see), Simeon (to hear), and Levi (to attach), hoping Jacob will see her, hear her, attach himself to her. No cigar.
Hereās the deal: Jacob made a pseudo-savior out of Rachel. Leah made a pseudo-savior out of Jacob. And itās not like this only happened back then. We still make pseudo-saviors out of each other, our spouses, family, our children. We even make pseudo-saviors out of our future achievements and our stuff.
Have you ever found yourself thinking:
once I pass this classā¦
or once I graduateā¦
or once I get a job...
once I get that job...
if I could just go out with this guy...
if I could just marry this girl...
once I get that car...
once I get that house...
then everything will be perfect!
Sound at all familiar?
C.S. Lewis said it best: āThere is always something that we have grasped at the first moment of longing that just fades away with reality. The thing we thought we were going to get in the new experience always evades us! In the morning, itās always Leah.ā
Here's the number one enemy in any relationship:Ā when you enter into a relationship and you think the other person is going to save you. No one can live up to those kinds of expectations.
Back to Leah: she asked God for sons, so she could gain her husbandās approval, and God gives them to her. And thatās another thing we do. We run to God praying for these things, these idols, hoping they will fulfill us, and God is saying, āWait a minute, you want me to give you these idols to fulfill you, even though Iām the one who is going to take care you?ā And we say something like, āYeah! If I can just have this thing, then itāll all be great!ā
Well Leah keeps praying, because she isnāt fulfilled, until her relationship with God grows and deepens, then she realizes her fulfillment is in God! And she names her last son Judah (praise) because itās about God now, not about impressing Jacob. And she stops having kids, because sheās not looking for fulfillment in Jacob and child bearing anymore. She discovers the great secret (thatās not a secret at all): that God is the answer. Not her husband, not her children, not her stuff, not her situation.
So hereās what weāve learned from this crazy (and true) story:
If youāre expecting your husband or wife to save you, youāre in big trouble. No one can live up to that expectation except God. Those expectations will bring a whole lot of problems and pressure into your relationship that you donāt need.Ā
If youāre single and loving God, but youāre dying to be married because you think that will be the answer to all your problems and the achievement of your life, God might very well delay your spouseās arrival. Because youāre not ready for marriage if you think thatās what marriage is.Ā
When you look to God as your savior, when you start giving Him the passions and desires of your heart and trust Him to fulfill you, then He can safely bring the love of your life around.Ā
Focus on what you do have instead of what you lack. That can be in a relationship or out. Build on what you have, and the lack wonāt be so apparent. Besides, God is going to take care of it anyway.Ā
Forgive each other. God forgives us everyday. We need to forgive each other everyday too. Donāt hang on to old hurts. When you forgive each other, you grow together and become more like Christ. What an amazing opportunity!Ā
Only God can fix you. You canāt be fixed by another person or by a situation. Nor can you fix your spouse. Fixer-uppers are for God and God alone. And He does a truly beautiful job.Ā
Make your relationship intimate. You know the number one counseling issue men face? They wish their wives had a desire for more intimacy! You know the solution? Pray to God and pray together. Men, when your wife knows that you live for a purpose greater than yourself and she knows youāre following someone bigger than yourself, sheāll follow you because she knows you pray and you will lead you both in a spiritual relationship with God. There is something special that happens, that she wants to give herself in ways that she never has before.
Thanks for stopping by! See you next Thursday!