#unhinged post

Riftan, baby! You did the right thing. Hit him harder!

Dad told Ahsoka I used to sniff her panties after training. Not in a gotcha way. Not even as a joke. He said it like he was reading off a maintenance report:

“Yeah, he used to shove his face in ‘em like a stormtrooper checking for carbon scoring.”

Then sipped his coffee. Like nothing was said. Like he didn’t just out me as the galaxy’s most emotionally constipated pervert in front of my crush, my mentor, and the woman I’ve been mentally undressing since I was 15 and stupid with Force hormones.

And she just sat there. Didn’t even raise a lekku. Didn’t flinch. Didn’t laugh. Just looked me dead in the soul with judgment and said:

“Was that before or after you started jizzing into my socks?”

I choked on my caf. Spit on my muffin. Dad said nothing. Just nodded.

But I could tell he had his usual shit-eating grin.

Like a man who knows what betrayal tastes like. Like this was his revenge for the Death Star.

And yeah-- fuck that guy. Not just for saying it. But for being right.

Because I did. I still do. And she knew. Because Jedi laundry doesn’t just vanish. She left them folded. Pressed. Still warm. Still moist.

Like a dare. Like bait. Like... revenge.

And now I gotta sit here in this goddamn brunch booth, my dick basically performing Order 69 in my pants, while Vader sips from a travel thermos like he didn’t just narrate my origin story as the galaxy’s most pathetic panty-sniffing Force user to the woman I still literally dream about pinning me to a training mat and saying:

“Call me Master while you beg.”

This is for those who've ever had a crush that could murder you with a single thought…

Yeah.

*me quoting the game*

"After several days of sacrifices, something happened"

"😦"

"a tiny hand reached out"

"😲"

"we pulled out a baby, it looked like a regular human, just like you and me. We named it Gary"

"GARY ATE THE BABIES?!!?! 😰😨"

cue several minute long laughter from me and then a moment of "wait that might be right" followed by more laughter

In those species where a single male has domination over a large family of females—as in lemurs and orangutans—the need for superiority in terms of reproductive organs wanes, resulting in smaller phalluses across the average.

In fact, mountain gorillas—which are the most well-known species to implement single-male multi-female mating groups—have the smallest penis size relative to their body out of the entire primate tree, being on average only one inch in length compared to their approximate 5’6” standing height.