The what-is-the-correct-response-to-Uncle-Chip WASP Girl Problem
On "the future" and such: when conversing with the family it is vital to master the art of having enough of a past to be interesting, yet enough of a future to be taken seriously. How does one engage the elder generations in meaningful conversation without feeling like a degenerate? The questions are predictable - and the responses below have worked to diffuse my (albeit four G&Ts into the night) uncle's well-intentioned quips: (Left) I learned my tact from cousin George. Unfortunately, he actually went to that school in Cambridge and will, in fact, be joiningUncle Brad in finance. But an under-achieving WASP girl trainwreck is not to fear - he's given me enough bullshitting-the-relatives advice to last me until I get my trust fund.
"What are you majoring in?"
He really means are you studying or partying; although it is always the latter, only the incompetent will respond "Undecided". Do NOT under any circumstances say you are undecided. Just throw out business or law. Both indicate you are either on the path to taking over the family business or running for office, two acceptable roads to be traveling.
The fact that you spend every Thursday afternoon through Monday morning blackout is beside the point. Most college kids these days change majors at least twice before graduating, which brings us to the next question.
"What would you like to do when you graduate?"
Grad school is the safest option here. Yes, you are merely delaying the question Uncle Chip originally asked, but he is too drunk to interrupt your unexpected and excellent response. Grad school says you are not lying about your business or law major. In fact, you intend to pursue your MBA or law degree. This additional round of applications also gives you another chance to get into Uncle Chip's alma mater (which you are a quadruple legacy of but did not have the GPA to get in the first time). Let's be honest. New World Order sucks, and is the real reason why you did not get in, but the GenX WASPs need to stop complaining about this and move on. Rest assured, it is merely the recent influx of Asians that are throwing off the numbers. All we can do is respect their legitimate work ethic while unabashedly using our connections to get the real jobs that matter after college. The Asians only want the tech jobs anyways.
"What do you do in your free time?"
Always say you enjoy reading. Even better, mention a book you have read recently. This does not have to be a book you have actually read; a classic you Sparknoted back in boarding school is totally acceptable.
Uncle Chip does not care if you can quote Pip, he cares that you have the tact and ingenuity to mention the blasé theme of rags-to-riches in Great Expectations. Also, launching into a speech about Dickens will change the topic which - as I'm sure you readers have forgotten by now - was actually about how you spend your free time.What Uncle Chip would like to hear is that you go to the maritime museum on the weekends and enjoy a biweekly tennis match with your besties. I actually have done this...but still, Dickens word vomit will put Uncle Chip to sleep faster.
"Are you dating anyone? Do you have a beau?"
Uncle Chip uses "beau" ironically and seriously at the same time. As the great-uncle, he does not actually care about your relationship status. Unless you have a serious BF, in which case he had better be a winner. No Gianfrancos or Sauls, either. Trust us - sticking to the same race ensures much more common ground that one can imagine.
