#undefine

Being a single for the very long time (it’s like an ancient time! Lol!). I’ve settled to “Undefined Relationship” countless time. At that time, I was okay with that arrangement. My always go-getter attitude line was: “It’s easier this way.” “I can walk away on this anytime I like. Without getting hurt.” “No commitment. I want this.” “Ahhh... a FREEDOM. I can do whatever the hell I want.”

This works for me when I was studying in Uni and thought maybe this is the relationship that I can surely work in without getting hassled to my studies. But it comes to the point where this kind of “non-relationship” gives me a disdain for what seemed like a perfect solution at the time. It affects what I see for myself. Gives me a doubt that if he was already settled of “What we have” it means I’m not good enough to be loved. Regrets that I let someone know me so well and it will only end up on this kind of relationship. Participating in a non-relationship is staggering.

After me in depth personal realization of myself of what I learn this non-relationship era. I realize it took for granted that, label or not, people have feelings. It’s normal when you are “with” someone to feel happy, angry, or even jealous. These feelings, though, can never be justified when you’re in the no-label zone. Someone hits on the person I’m with. I feel jealous. But I can’t show it because I have no right to claim the he is mine. Reality checks his note. And just because you don’t define it doesn’t mean others don’t. At one time my family and friends saw us and after that we refer as a couple and when they ask me, “Are you two together?” “Why he is not with you?” I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to answer them or I can say, “We’re not a couple, but he’s doing just fine thanks for asking.” Talk about awkward moments.

Sometimes I don’t know how I should treat this kind of relationship because I don’t know where to stand, what I should say, what’s okay to tell friends — when it’s all a big blurry mess, I can’t take ownership of something in my life that might actually be going right (gasp!). Yeah, like my love life can actually be doing well. This thing can actually happen, you know! Haha But I won’t know if it’s going well if I don’t even know if I can call it a love life.

If he doesn’t want to define it from the start, he doesn’t want to define it at all. I ask him if he likes me. He said, “Yes!” and so I said, “Why don’t you to date me like real this time.” And his only answer was, “Not now. My life is complicated right now.” I understand this at first, but when the understanding is already “zero” and there’s nothing happen until he walks away.

Take some time, and acknowledge how unsynchronised his motions are inline with mine. Realise how our lips don't fit and hands don't intertwine.

Realise...

I may be sat in his car with his hands near my thigh but it's all just a way to fog out,  what I would hate to call,  mistakes. See how I can't even relate to the way he looks at me, I won't even take in the smoke that he breathes for it's all just to kill time.

But don't worry,

I'll try to forget the way your fingers drummed against my spine.

Don't worry,

I'll try to forget the night we ran around undefined.

Don't worry,

I'll scrub at my sheets until your scent gives in.

Don't worry I'll...