#ulyfe

There certainly has been lapses when I've been writing these. 

I don't even know anymore... I think my trust in people is so skewed and distorted. I'm always trying to look at people's motives, and looking through their actions. Enough to drive you nuts. 

I haven't been honest with anyone, including myself. And, I think that's sole reason for all the confusion. 

Okay so , a run down... 

I've been extremely focused on Ulyfe and getting my books out as well. I'm placing an order for Twofold today. 

Both books. Long over due for the release. Will be sale at the end of the month. 

I'm also getting the 7th issue of Hoodlumz colored. So that will be ready for print fairly soon. 

1st couple pages of HoodlumZ Issue 7

I've been kicking it with people. Hanging out late. Keeping myself busy.. occupied. Reaching out to different people... doing whatever it takes to try n convince myself to stop thinking about her. 

I front like shit don't bother me, but seriously eating me alive inside. Especially when I feel ignored. Especially when I can't stop thinking about the last time she came over. :/ 

It just sucks cuz when I really put everything into perspective. All of the women I'm currently interacting with... are not good for me, and what I'm wanting out of life. lol. 

Which brings me back to what my friend Lauren said, "you set the expectations and standards for all and every interaction/relationship." 

I don't think people really value relationships... or themselves even. At least from a "realizing your potential" stand point. Like I feel, I hold people to higher standards than they do themselves. That's kinda fucked up. 

I don't even fucking know anymore. 

I know I want long term. And that doesn't include Someone I have to worry about who is leading on other people all the time. Both of the Sagittarius I've been getting to know; aren't honest. And hide things from others (so I really fucking imagine/know they do the same to me)... and, just knowing how they are now, there's no fucking way I'd trust that person with my all. I'd always hold back because I'd be too cautious. 

^That kinda shit scares the fuck outta me. Like being invested into people, who don't value you. lol. Man, that's a scary thought. People just don't care. And I think the fact that I do care puts me at a massive disadvantage. 

Just recently reconnected with someone who I had lost contact with a couple years back... and I have to say I am kinda intimidated by her. lol. like holy shit. haha. Beautiful af, and she's really on shit. Like crazy ambition, and more importantly, she's doing it and pursuing her dreams. SO fuckin' attractive. And, she sees me? Yes. lol. Hell yes. 

And I'm sorry if that offends anyone... but shit life is so short to put on hold. And just stay stuck in survival mode. Before you know it, (if you're lucky) we'll be old as fuck wondering where time went. I don't know why that doesn't bother people like it should. 

Anyways, my God, I feel some sort of relief after writing all this shit, that's just been built up. 

I don't know what's coming outta anything that I've been investing into the last couple months, I mean as far as with people. And the more time passes... I'm kinda ashamed, like I gave people that gave so little fucks so much of my time, and emotion. 

October is going to be about business transactions, working out, and in pursuit of that someone who will encourage, push, and grow with me to create a legacy. That's some boss type shit. 

Sticking to my work out regime and diet has definitely been worth it. 

Life has certainly been interesting lately. And even though I said me keeping myself occupied, is a "distraction"... I have to remind myself, that's vice versa. That was always the plan, and they were the distractions. If they ain't on the same page as you... gonna be a lot of conflict. Better to realize that now than down the line, I suppose.