#uhauling

these gay boys had no idea I was gay because of something called “femme invisibility”

I know happy things feel so painfully inaccessible, so distant, so buried, when you’re having a hard time. but maybe something in here might get through when you’re having a bad time.

lately things have felt so tense, so ambiguous, so uncomfortable, so riddled with guilt at not doing a good enough job. Not working hard enough. I know it’s just toxic productivity and individualism culture talking, but somehow I should be able to singlehandedly turn my house situation around or like get a lot of money and volunteers for ProGente Connections. To have endless compassion but also do something but with sensitivity and somehow meet everyone’s needs. It’s literally just an impossible standard. 

There will be a day, in the really not too distant future. You will come home from a job you love. Maybe you work at planned parenthood, using your social work skills, helping people feel welcomed and heard, being part of affirming rather than oppressive healthcare experiences. Maybe you teach sex ed. Maybe you work at a clinic. Maybe you’re a therapist, holding sacred space for people as they go through the hard work of healing through unpacking, narrating, remembering, naming, reclaiming, beginning and ending. 

You and Lizzy share your days over a glass of riesling, boiling water for pasta, adding a pinch more of something savory or spicy or tart. You just maybe have a couple herbs you’ve kept alive for a few months, tearing off some of the leaves and adding them to the sauce. You fresh parmesan and pour a second glass of wine, and before you know it your plates are clean and you are deep in a discussion of the amazing work that Lizzy has done with a client.

Merlot hops up on the counter, and he looks so cute up there that you shake your heads and roll your eyes at those people who don’t let their cats up there. You keep chatting and laugh as Merlot makes weird noises when you pet the top of his tail. You clean up the kitchen together, pausing every so often for a kiss on the cheek. When you’re going to sleep you snuggle up close, both passing out after laughing about an incredible video Lizzy found and chatting about what fun drinks and snacks we might serve to our friends who are coming over this weekend. 

There are ups and downs as there always are, but you are consistently happy, busy, fulfilled, loved, and supported. There are always moments of doubt, but you feel capable and confident at your job. Home is warm, cozy, comfortable. Full of communication and nonjudgement, of supportive words in understanding tones, of beautiful queer friendships.