#ughlife

I feel like I am losing control. Losing control of a lot of things in my life including this writing project. I owe you an apology for my noticeable absence the last number of weeks. I missed the first week because of a frazzled brain, only realizing it was Sunday when the day was already over. The following week I failed to follow through due to intensive studying for a course exam required for my earth shatteringly dull job. Today, I’ve considered skipping for a third time due to sadness and the inability to concentrate or string a sentence together. Excuses….excuses…excuses.  I think this lack of follow through is due to the general lack of carrying about much of anything in my life right now beyond a small number of things. The sad thing is though that talking to you and all things associated with our friendship including these letters normally invigorated me and did not drain my energy. I’ve become a zombie with a lot of things but not with you. This is why I need to sort this out. I need to just write something to you and get the ball rolling again before too much time passes. The point of these letters was to have an outlet and I know I would regret letting this drift away if I didn’t just suck it up and write to you.

This last week, has been quite stressful, first with my exam and then with some family health issues. I feel like I can’t control what’s happening around me and it’s making me scared. Life isn’t perfect…I know this, but the perfectionist inside me wants a plan. I want to know things will work out. I want to know that even if I don’t pass this exam that I will find a more interesting job that doesn’t require this qualification. I want to know that my dad’s illness was caught early enough that it will go into remission and it will be like none of this happened at all. But unfortunately I can’t know these things and it has caused this overwhelming heavy anxiety within me the last number of days. I’ve started to revert to self-destructive ways of re-establishing control in my life, but these habits only tend to lead to more anxiety and less control.  I hope by writing these worries out to you that it will stop me from heading down a bad path, and that I will be able to come to terms with the unpredictability of life (or something like that)

A happy and fulfilled life is not one that is planned and completely structured. Things will happen the way they are supposed to, and ultimately everything will be okay. I just have to keep telling myself this.

I’m sorry about the length. Next one will be good and lengthy I’m sure.

Love,

Here’s my photoshop skills. “Can Howell”