#ugh so

unlovable. right? impossible to love. be loved.  i don't know. whatever. unlovable. that's how i feel

honestly? it kinda sucks, i have an unappealing personality, a clumsiness to my step, a body that needs more exercise and so many emotional issues that would probably make Freud or whatever go “yikes”

so it’s not surprising that at twenty-years-old i never had a real meaningful relationship i never heard a sincere “i love you” or had someone holding my hand through the ups and downs i never had the perfect kiss

so. i’m bummed out a little today. because even though i believe there’s something good coming to the romantic part of my life i’m a little afraid too. i don’t wanna love someone only to have them not love me back. oh wow. that sounds... awful? selfish? terrible? all of the above? yup, it does. but still. i wanna be loved back this time. i want that perfect kiss under the rain or the moonlight. i want someone to call mine.

the thing is, even though i want all of those things i also want to protect myself from another love tragedy, i don’t want to watch someone fall out of love with me i don’t want to watch them leave i don’t want to be have the conversation that couples have the one where they just look at each other and their eyes meet in that awkward way because they know: what once used to mean everything suddenly means nothing

i don’t want that. but i want everything that comes before. i want the love. i want the laughs. i want the companionship. i want the warm feeling in your chest when you look at someone else and think “i’m so glad i’m in love with you”  because you know they won’t break your heart. you know what you have it’s something real and meaningful.

and i don’t know. i’m getting ahead of myself. i don’t even have someone to love yet. i mean. god. am i even capable of loving someone like that? i barely feel anything these days. it’s like my emotions decided to go on vacation for a little while. and the only way i can’t translate what’s going on in my head properly is to write this thing and keep hitting enter to give the impression that this is deep and philosophical instead of the mess of jumbled thoughts this actually is or. you know. maybe i just like to pretend that i’m a poet. anyways. there are so many things that i want to ask. like. am i capable of loving someone? is someone capable of loving me back?