#uewk

for me, i know it's absolutely wrong but i feel like one of the pharisees rn. i've done so much to lead others to Christ and try my best to encourage everyone and everything, and i really try my hardest to worship Him and only Him in everything I do, not just put on a "best Christian" mask. tbh, i honestly feel peace when i know that God has something planned for me. and it makes me want to cry whenever someone thinks different about me, that i'm pretty fake bc i'm trying to be pure. but i have to rise from the ashes every single time. and there have been more and more times, especially increasing this year, that i just want to quit.

it has just been poo.

when i see someone who DOES put on a mask, who doesn't care to actually delve deeper into God's Word and love and try to be more like Christ. YES, He loves you exactly the way you are, and with a passion, too. but shouldn't that make you just want to be more and more like Him instead of stay the way you are if the way you are is not following His commands and hence not truly loving or trying to love Him? it really REALLY annoys me to see someone at school or another place completely mouthing off and gossiping and just completely breaking God's heart when at church they might be leaders, strong ones, that CAN move mountains. but what good is it if you can move mountains but God can't move your heart? 

and just seeing people like that also frustrates me. why? because they get more attention and love and rewards than i ever got, get, and will receive. it sucks. but God reminds me that my reward is in HIM!!! which is amazingly true. but it's so hard when you feel impatient and you just want it to come now.

but that's the problem with me: i'm impatient, hypocritical, a quitter, and a lot of times straight-up unloving. why? why am I complaining about other people when i myself is breaking my Father's heart by judging others? i haven't actually sat down and connected with God, by myself, in so, so long. i've been having more mental breakdowns. i cry more. i get stressed more. i want to harm myself more. i get jealous, angry, bitter more and more and more. 

how can i get back to God? i need to regain my passion. but i already have passion, maybe not so much of the emotion aspect of it anymore, but i still have an innate and unquenchable desire to serve and glorify God, because when i do so, those are the only times i feel so close to God, and the JOY that comes from that is incredible. like nothing ever in the past present or future.

how do i serve God? i will love. i will love. i'm so tired almost every single day i think i forgot the love that God wants me to show EVERYONE: UNCONDITIONAL AND UNRELENTING. i have given up on people because they rejected me first up front. but. i need to persevere. the pain that i'm feeling rn and that i will feel in the future pales in comparison with the AMAZING joy and fulfillment i feel when i love others and SERVE HIM. NOT MYSELF.

i need to have a mind like Christ.

I wonder if teapots were alive would their arms be the handle and spout or would their nose be the spout and they have no arms like mrs Potts?

Love like I’m not scared Give when it’s not fair Live life for another Take time for a brother

Fight for the weak ones Speak out for freedom Find faith in the battle Stand tall but above it all

Fix my eyes on You

I heard this song on the radio and the beat hit me at first. But when I read the lyrics, I felt God pierce my heart even more.

Love like I’m not scared? That’s so incredibly hard. Since I’m considered by a lot of people to be super cheerful and joking around, so many of them decide that it’s okay to criticize me to my face. All my past best friends have always hurt me in some way. But why is it okay to do that? Why is it okay to hurt me? I get so incredibly scared in my heart when coming into a new situation because I don’t know who to trust…mainly bc there haven’t been many people who haven’t turned their backs on me when I trusted them.

It hurts a lot, but I’m going to continue to love and put my trust in people, because that’s what Jesus did with me. I will continue to love LIKE I’m not scared, even if I am, because I know I will be. I’m not saying that my situation will get better, but I will never give up hope bc I know God has a plan.

Luke 10:19. God will protect me because I am His and He is mine.

I are a leftover KFC chicken drumstick and an ice cream sandwich for lunch yesterday

today I ate a small leftover piece of chicken, apple cinnamon oatmeal, and a frozen banana for lunch

i guess you could say that I’m

sketchy