#ud jess

Jess winced every single time she thought of him. Josh Washington. Many didn't think they were that close but they were. He was like a brother to her, a close friend, companion, her first kiss (though that was a secret they never spoke of.) 

It started in kindergarten, Jess being transferred to a new school due to the divorce, a school outside of the town of Berkeley, CA. As the little blonde girl walked in, the twin braids she had kept till that night. She was alone, many looking at her strangely, but she still kept her head high. Suddenly, a little girl came running past, chased by a girl who looked the same, the only difference was one wore glasses and one didn’t. Other than that, they were identical. The teacher sighed, rubbing her forehead as she stopped the girls. 

“Everyone take a seat on the floor!” She yelled as everyone quickly ran to their spots. Jess stood frozen. She didn’t have a spot. 

“You can sit by me.” Stated the little girl without the glasses. Jess smiled and took a seat, her hands tucked together. She wore a pink sweater and jeans, a pair of matching pink Converse. 

“I’m Jess.” She waved at the girl. The sister with the glasses sat on Jess’s other side. They both had dark hair that was extremely long, both wearing similar shirts and pants in different colors. Beth seemed quiet, staying a bit to herself, but Hannah was open and forward. She was kind and caring and had opened up quite quickly to them. Inviting her to sit with them at lunch. 

“I’m Hannah. That’s Beth.” They both waved as everyone quieted down to listen to the teacher. A smile warmed Jess’s face. Make first friends in the new town, check. 

As the years passed, Beth and Hannah grew closer with Jess. Throughout the playdates, the school events they hung out at, the times Jess’s mom invited them over for sleepovers. However, Jess had never gone over to Hannah and Beth’s house. They made excuses, that they were busy or that no one was home at the time. Jess didn’t buy it. 

When Jess got her permit, she immediately showed up at their house, finally facing the situation head on. She knocked on the door, gently opening with a “Hang on!” Beth appeared, her short hair hidden under her usual beanie. Her eyes widened as she shut the door behind her. 

“What are you doing here?” She muttered as Jess crossed her arms. 

“Are you embarrassed of me?” Beth’s eyes widened more and she shook her head. “Cause I feel like you’re embarrassed of me. We’ve been friends for years and I’ve never even met your parents.” 

“I know and I’m sorry. Jess, you're my best friend. I could never be embarrassed but our families are very different. Your mom is so inviting and caring. My mom is too busy to think about having people over, The only people who come over are my dad’s work friends.” 

“Oh.” Jess felt guilty, terrible really. “I’m sorry I came then.” As she went to leave she saw the door swing open behind Beth, a young man appearing. 

“I swear if your nerd friends are here finally Beth I-” The teenager stopped quickly, staring at the blonde girl. “You aren’t what I expected. Where’s Chris?” Beth pushed the boy back in annoyance. 

“Josh, stop. This is Jess.” Josh’s gray green eyes widened. Jess stood awkwardly. He was a nice looking young man, with dark hair matching theirs, but it was very curly. He had tan skin and was tall and lanky, wearing a flannel. She waved innocently and sighed before feeling the tension build up. 

“I should go.” 

“No. Jess, this is Josh, my older brother. Josh, this is Jess.” Josh nodded as he outstanded his hand to shake her. She gently shook it, feeling the awkwardness in the air. Who knew that was a start to a great friendship. 

Everytime Jess came over, Josh greeted her at the door. More were introduced to the party, Chris was introduced by Josh, then Ashley by Beth, then Sam by Hannah. Matt was introduced later on from Ashley and Emily by Jess. Josh included Mike due to dating Emily. The group grew, and so did Jess and Josh’s friendship. Josh goofed around with Jess when times got rough, always bringing a smile to her face. He’d sit outside with her and try to cheer her up. 

She remembered a time when a guy broke up with her because she wouldn’t kiss him. She didn’t know how to. Sure, a peck on the cheek and a kiss on the forehead, but nothing ever more. 

She showed up at the Washington estate with tears in her eyes. She needed a shoulder to cry on. She knocked on the door, waiting to see Beth’s bright smile to calm her down and tell her he wasn’t worth her first kiss. 

Instead it was Josh’s fat smirk. 

“Oh shit. Hey Josh.” She muttered, quickly rubbing her eyes to cover her tears. He stopped the smirk and rapidly tried to change the situation. 

“Jess, are you okay?” She looked up, her eyes red and puffy. SHe nodded her head and turned the walk away but he grabbed her arm. She looked back before he gestured her in. She walked in the house before falling onto the couch and sobbing. 

“What the hell happened?” She sighed as he took a seat next to her. 

“Caleb broke up with me because I don't know how to kiss.” Josh sat back, anger raring through him. Caleb was a jock, but he was also a dickhead. He could have any girl he wanted in the school. Poor Jess was his next pick. 

“That’s ridiculous. Jess you are worth so much more than a kiss.” Muttered Josh as he gently patted her back, trying to console her. She was sobbing, her head in her hands, bangs stuck in her eyes. 

“Will you kiss me then!?” She exclaimed sarcastically. Her eyes widened when she realized what she had just said. As she grew farther from Beth and Hannah, she had grown closer with Josh. It didn’t upset Beth or Hannah particularly, the group had grown closer as a whole unit. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean that it’s just, ugh this is embarrassing.” She sighed before putting her head down. “I’ve never kissed someone before. That’s why we broke up. I didn’t know how to kiss him.” Josh nodded his head before putting his face near hers. 

“As your friend, I will teach you how to kiss on one condition.” Jess sat back, staring at him intently. 

“What is your condition?” Josh grinned, and Jess immediately became worried. He quickly dropped the smirk, becoming serious. 

“We keep this a secret okay?” Jess nodded as her hands became sweaty. She was really about to kiss Josh? This was not how she had planned it. But Josh was a close friend, and out of everyone, she really felt extremely comfortable around him. He was always making her laugh and confronting her when times got hard. Maybe in another universe Jess would meet him and fall in love with him. She would realize what she deserved and not settle for men who treated her terribly. Maybe, just maybe. 

Josh moved closer, one hand on her hip, the other on one side of ehr face. As he moved closer, Jess adjusted, scooching closer to him, their noses nearly touching. This was happening, holy crap. 

For a brief second, she felt a spark as their lips touched. His lips were softer than she anticipated. He didn’t try anything past a simple, gentle kiss. It was nice. She felt safe. Seen. She didn’t feel like she was being used or taken advantage of. She was just kissing a close friend for practice. That was really it. 

He pulled away, opening his eyes. Her gray eyes shined as she pulled back. For a second she sat frozen. Did this really just happen? Josh just smiled. She felt sweaty and nervous. 

“You okay?” Asked Josh. She just smiled and nodded.

Jess never forgot that day. As she laid in bed, she was reminded of him. It happened often. She remembered hugging him after Hannah and Beth’s disappearance. It took a while but after some time and many apologies, they were back on speaking terms. Jess felt horrible about what happened, she still did. She stopped for a second, feeling her stomach ache. She wanted to throw up thinking about what she did. 

Josh and Jess were close and she felt sick thinking about what happened. How could she do that? She hurt him, not intentionally, but still. She missed him everyday, she missed them all. Emily didn’t really talk to her anymore, the closest person she had was Mike. Matt texted her every once in a while. Ashley, Sam, and Chris all stayed close, but she felt awkward including herself. 

She suffered a lot after that night, but she couldn;t imagine what Josh’s family was dealing with. She wished he was back, telling her jokes and making her laugh. She wished Hanah was still hanging out with them and Beth was singing like she always did. It made Jess cry sometimes. Thinking of his end. 

They found his body three days later, and that thing crushed his head. Jess remembered the memorial. She didn’t go since she was still laid up due to the hip injury and the surgery she had to have from the fracture. She wasn’t sure if she would have been welcomed there anyway. She wasn’t herself yet, and it took a long time for her to feel comfortable in her new skin. The scars, the limp, and the mindset. 

Somehow she knew things would be alright though. She had a mother that loved her and helped take care of her, she had Matt and Mike to talk her through panic attacks. 

But they weren’t Josh. No one would ever fill the hole of Josh. He was his own person and he was the best. She wondered what he would have done with his life. Would he have followed in his father’s footsteps and become a filmmaker? He always did like making these YouTube videos and movies. He always asked for film equipment for Christmas. Sometimes she would go through pictures and videos when she was super upset and missing him. It was okay though. He was in a better place, he was with Hannah and Beth now. 

As Jess wiped the tears from her eyes, she remembered the good times. That’s all she could do. Her mind went back to their kiss occasionally. He was a good guy, but he needed help that he never got. She remembered when Mike told her what he did. She couldn’t believe it. Why would he do it? It was shocking to say the least. She knew she deserved it, but Sam and Chris. They really did nothing wrong. It just proved how much help Josh needed. While he was grieving, it didn’t give him the right to nearly kill so many of his friends. 

She looked down at the picture, thinking about him. She missed him more than she could ever explain. She missed his smile, his jokes, his hugs, his parties, his ability to make everyone laugh. There was so much about him that couldn’t be replaced. The world was a bit emptier without him. There was no one like the one and only Josh Washington. 

Jess reminded herself to visit his grave this week. He always loved the snow like Jess did. Maybe she’d buy those lilies that he would always give her on her birthday. He would like that. She would too.