#uct

The University of Cape Town, nestled at the foot of Devil’s Peak. It was such a pleasure and a privilege to experience this mountain view whilst studying what I loved.

I’m being blunt. I failed. I think it’s time I accept it now. I wrote my maths exam and failed the course but had a second chance to write the supplementary exam. Even that too I failed.

At first I was shocked but somewhat deep down knew it. How was I able to pass physics but fail math when I’ve always done waaayy better in math. It was a difficult revelation to come to. Now I’m not offering you any advice as such. I’m not going to tell you what I’ve been through and how it’s sunshine and rainbows after and what you can do to make to better. I’m telling you what I’m going through now. I am going through all 5 stages of grief. I’m trying everything in my power to ensure that I’ve actually failed. Recount of the exam, visiting the student advisors. Back and forth, back and forth. Still waiting for the final result of me going back and forth. Everything needs to be done by Friday. It’s rushed.

I’m a mess. Sometimes I can’t stop crying. I’ve disappointed my parents and myself. They’ll have to pay more for me to repeat the course. I don’t want to be that burden. It’s expensive to fail here. All my friends won’t be with me in this course. I’m alone. What if this is just the start and I fail more things and get set back with my degree? Going nowhere slowly. It feels like it’s never ending. I haven’t failed before. I’ve done so well and everyone has told me I got a bright future ahead and I’m so intelligent.

But all that dims away because ‘FAIL’ is in big bold letters everywhere. Writing this is giving me a sense of finality. After 2 somewhat horrible days of dreading and crying and wanting to give up. It doesn’t feel like it’s getting better. Even my backup plan failed. I’m stuck in this university. I’m stuck. There feels like there’s no way out.

All I can say is, if you’re going through failure I somewhat know how you feel. And I’m sure we can get through this together. I hope.