#twohoursimnevergettingback

To win against the forces of evil (some people have said Krull is like the film version of the bastard child of Star Wars and Dungeons and Dragons, I say that contraception should have been offered and a lot of it) Colwyn must go and find a special mythical weapon known as the Glaive.

Ynyr: You will need more than men and swords. You will need the power of theGlaive. Colwyn: The Glaive is nothing but an ancient symbol. It doesn't really exist. Ynyr: It exists, up there. In a cave on the highest peak. Without the Glaive, you will never be able to reach Lyssa. Colwyn: I need weapons, not symbols. Ynyr: Once, the Glaive was a very powerful weapon. It can be so again. But only in the hands of the right man. For only the right man can retrieve the Glaive Colwyn: Am I that man? Ynyr: I wish I knew.

Is he that man? Of course he is!

It’s basically a golden starfish shape with pocket knife blades coming out of each point and a jewel in the centre. He has to climbs some rocks and…wait for it…stick his hand into molten lava (it looks a lot like strawberry gelatin) to pull out the mythical weapon which he is not allowed to use until he needs it.

Let’s stop to review our check list:

Pretty princess needs rescuing – to do

Get mythical weapon you don’t know how or when to use – check!

Get an army to fight with you – to do

 So now we move on to find people to follow our intrepid prince who’s stripped lycra trousers look like they came out of Steven Tyler’s wardrobe circa 1987, guess skin tight trousers seemed futuristic in 1983 and only hair metal four years later.

This film is a veritable treasure trove of then unknown but now fairly well known British actors. Colwyn recruits Ergo the Magnificent, the most likable character in the film. Ergo is played brilliantly by the late David Battley whom most people recognise as the teacher from Willy Wonka (1971). His introduction is quite funny given that he isn't any shorter than the main actor.

I am Ergo the Magnificent. Short in stature, tall in power narrow of purpose and wide of vision. 

Also recruited are a band of escaped prisoners, most of whom seem to be thieves. Among them are Hollywood A-listers Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane complete with 1980s footballer’s ‘tache. Also in the group are Mark from Eastenders (Todd Carty), and Alun Armstrong both regulars on British TV. There is also a Cyclops, a blind seer and his random boy child (it’s never explained how they’re related).

Being that this is an adventure film, they lose some people on the way: quicksand is a bitch, avoid it whenever possible. Finally to reach the Black Fortress (the entire TWO HOURS I was watching this film, see how I sacrifice myself for you people I kept thinking of black forest cake and wishing I had some) they must round up some fire mares – these are basically horses who run so fast that flames come out of their hooves, oh and…they can fly.

More people die once they get there and the Slayers, in their home uniform (they’re now all in white, it must be the thing to wear inside the Black Fortress, while they save their black armour for the away games as it goes better with murder and mayhem) open fire with their laser sword-gun-torches. The Cyclops dies holding open rocks for people to get through, but it’s okay as he was dying anyway – they have a short life expectancy and if they resist it they feel immeasurable pain (much like I did while watching this film). Next to bite it is Hagrid, sorry Robbie Coltrane. His final words are epic:

Rhun: The journey was worthwhile. Finish it...

I almost cried. Alas, Liam doesn’t last too much longer:

Kegan: My travelling days are over, my friend. 

Sadly for me there was another 15 minutes to go.

In the end Colwyn uses the Glaive to attack the Beast who while in his death throes spins around like he’s a little girl doing twirls. Seriously, his alien hair/tentacles even flare out behind him. But what is this? OH NO! The Glaive is stuck, Colwyn tries to summon it back to him. Here Ken Marshall uses his classical Shakespearean training, calling up all those days where he stood before the mirror practicing Hamlet’s soliloquy.

In the end the Glaive is stuck and Colwyn and Lyssa realise it is not the weapon…

Colwyn: The Glaive is gone. I have no way to fight him. Lyssa: Colwyn, it's not the Glaive, it's you. Colwyn: No, Lyssa, it's us. Lyssa: It's us he can't defeat.         Colwyn: It won't return to me except from the hand of the woman I choose as my wife. Lyssa: I give it only to the man whom I choose as my husband. Take the fire from my hand.

She opens her hand and that fire is still there, despite it having not been in her hand since, oh about 12 minutes into the film. Colwyn takes the fire and somehow now his hand can forever hurl fire at things – not like a fireball but more a stream of fire. It’s handy for say, defeating the nearly dead Beast, breaking open rock faces so he and his companions can escape the now crumbling Black Fortress and I imagine for lighting fires in draughty castles.

Did I learn any lessons from this film? No. But I have learned, with horror, since that there is a group of people out there who want to see a remake of this utterly dire film and that somehow it has a rating of SIX!!!!!! on IMDB!!!! How is that even freakin’ possible? There was nothing redeemable about the film, the only decent character was Ergo. This is like the fruitcake of films, show it to people you don’t like.