#two lungs

Five years ago, after I’d earned my college degree,  I left my own hometown in search of a better future for myself, which meant that I cut all ties with my family and anything that would link me once again to my past life. I left not because I felt rebellious enough to do so, but I thought that it was high time for me to break free of the tight hold my parents had on me. For once in my life, I could finally be myself and let fate decide wherever I would go. Depending on whatever course of action I would take, I knew, nevertheless that being on my own was better than living behind not only my shadow but behind others as well. I wasn’t on a mission to find my inner self, no. It wasn’t like that. I was just simply drifting afloat the open ocean of countless opportunities and I would swim onto the direction of the nearest boat if ever I had the chance to do so. But sadly, life wasn’t like that. It would be like asking God for a bike but we all know that God doesn’t work that way so the only choice we have left is to steal a bike or a better one, say an ultra expensive car and ask for his forgiveness instead. Go big or go home, that’s what they always say, right?

  “You look better than usual today.” A smooth and gentle voice came from behind me, snapping me back to reality.

  Knowing who the voice had belonged to; I gleefully turned around to face my employer.

  “Then you should know better than to watch me from afar Mr. Hiddleston.” I said, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

  “Can’t say I did the right thing, didn’t I?” He paused only to give me the warmest of smiles he’s ever had. Silence passed by for a moment as I shifted my attention to his schedule, checking up if there was any more appointments or shoots to get to. “You know it’s been a long time since we’ve met right?” He suddenly asked. There was hint and a mixture of worry and concern laced in his voice.

  I straightened my back, putting myself in a posture that would look like I was steadily paying attention to him. I wondered where this conversation would be leading to.

“Yes. It’s been four and a half years since you’ve taken me under your wing Mr. Hiddleston and I’ll always be in your debt.”

  “And you always seem to forget to loosen the formalities and call me Tom and instead.”

  Shrugging, I half-heartedly apologized. We’ve gone through this conversation countless times already.

  “Sorry. It just doesn’t seem right to call you by your nickname when you’re my boss and all.” I said as a matter-of-fact. It was true anyways. With Tom, no matter how long we’ve known each other, there’ll always be that fine line between us that reminds us we’ve built our companionship not by an accidental bump on the street but as a professional agreement between an employer and his employee. Despite his obvious teasing, the line between us was something I always wouldn’t dare to forget.

  “I know, which is why I hired you in the first place, didn’t I?” He grinned, the kind of which you would easily fall for in just one glance. Knowing it wasn’t right to think that way, I shook the thought away quickly. Not completely but perhaps it stayed far behind at the back of my mind.

   “You were always keen on following order around things and that’s what I admire about you.”

  I blushed and quickly covered it by faking a cough and looking onto a different direction before finally tuning back my attention on him. “I see.” I paused while searching into every corner of my brain to find a decent response. “And I’m very flattered to receive such compliment from you Mr. Hiddleston.” I replied back with a half-smile to make it seem less rushed.

  “But it isn’t the only thing I admire about you.” Tom quickly interjected. His eyes suddenly serious and when I gazed into them, he looked at me in a way a normal person would deduce wasn’t friendly. It was a different look, something about it was etched with hope as it would seem to show in the pools of his beautiful eyes.

  I blinked several times, not knowing how to respond to his statement.

  “Look, I know you’ve gone through rough times without you even telling me.” He paused while my eyes were still transfixed in gazing onto his. “And knowing you did, I wished to take part in consoling you as you went through them. Even with future ones to come as well but I do sincerely hope they don’t.”

  I swallowed the lump that was lodged on my throat. It was slightly obvious where this conversation was leading to now. Though in actual truth, it was unusual of Tom to express this amount of concern for me as we respected each other’s space. The more with each other’s private lives.

  I cleared my throat. “Mr. Hiddleston… I think you may be heading onto the wro—”

  “Yes. I know where I’m heading and I plan to keep my pace steady while I’m at it.” Tom immediately cut me off. As he held both or gazes completely fixated on another, I began to carefully examine if he was really serious or not, and to my relief, he seemed true to his words. There was not an ounce of mischief in his face as he normally would have when liked to mess things around with me. I was completely seeing a different side to him and it wasn’t the like you’d normally see that was scripted on paper. This was, however unusual, truly genuine.

  “I do not wish for you to see me in another point of view other than a positive light however I must tell you that the past years had not been not easy for me either.” This time, it’s was his turn to swallow his own lump. I secretly thanked the highest form of deity above for the impeccable timing as there was nobody around except for the two of us inside the dressing room.  Everyone had gone off to tell their goodbyes to another while we were still at it, that is, until this came up.

  “I don’t understand.” And it was true. None of what he was saying made any sense. What was he trying to tell me?

  “Of course you don’t. You never do.” Tom sighed and looked like he was done putting what he was trying to say in better words.

  “How am I supposed to know when I don’t have the slightest bit of idea of what to understand.” I was slightly getting annoyed. Why couldn’t he just spit it out already? “I get it. You care for me. I know that. I mean why wouldn’t I? If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be as lucky to be working for you as I am right now. You know that, right? ” I continued in slow and hushed tone.

  Tom seemed to take it all in but I knew that I didn’t have to tell him countless times about the whole thing. He shook his head. “After all these years, you still don’t just get it do you? Caring would be an understatement to what I truly feel about you.” He paused and briefly ran his hand through his hair. “It’s hard—restraining myself through these years when my heart beckons me to go after what I truly want.” Tom looked away, just enough to make me feel terrible and remorseful inside. Never had I once heard him speak like this nor see him looking as tormented as he is right now.

  “And what is it exactly… that you want?” I asked, my heart beating slightly faster than it normally would have. With such amount of anticipation rising in me, I suddenly felt like my chest wasn’t enough to hold my uneasy heart.

  Tom looked up, looking gloomier as ever. I felt a pang of guilt strike through me. What have I done to deserve seeing this man in such state? Or was I simply ever oblivious all this time? My mind demanded reasonable answers along with my beating heart.

  “I want… the woman who refuses to open up. The woman who’s denied herself of her own happiness. The woman with a rock-solid heart." He paused, only to brush away the lock of hair that fell astray on my face. “What I want… is you.”

  Call it downright crazy and cheesy but it seemed like time had stopped ticking away and all I was able to make out were the faint noise of breaths that passed from him to me. His eyes, no matter how much I stared through them, continued to hook me with their very own spell. I was at lost for words. Not because my mind had ceased to think of better reply but it seemed like the silence was a perfect fit between the two of us. All that I couldn’t say flowed through faint whispers of air that he gladly received. And I, no more than speechless as I was right now, shared a mutual feeling with him. And I wasn’t aware of it until now.

  Moments passed and Tom began to break the silence as he closed in the distance between us. He held his hand up and started to caress one slender finger against my blushing cheek. “You are, in every way beautiful despite your need to push everyone away.” He then pulled away his finger only to replace it with both his thumb and index fingers as he tilted my head up to meet his gaze through my chin.

   “I’m not telling you to change right this very moment if that’s what you’re thinking right now. All I want is for you give me a chance to come inside your heart and be with you even if you’d only grant me a short while.” Tom let go and held both my shoulders with a firm but gentle grip. “I know that this is unlikely of me to do and wouldn’t be as good as the ones I usually go for but I don’t think I can prolong it any longer anymore.”

  “I am in love with you. Truly. Madly. Desperately in love with you.” He confessed as he poured all different emotions from his heart and showed them through his lovely face.  A face I wouldn’t dare to forget in a million years. “I could not bear to wait any longer than I already have only to see you get snatched away by another tit in the future.” I gave a soft giggle at his choice of word. “You’re the only one in this whole world and I would never settle less for any woman other than you. And I want to know if you’re willing to let me in this time.” Tom then took a sharp intake of breath. “So, are you?”

  I knew I had to give him a response but all that my mind could put together was a series of unearthly noises that I wouldn’t dare let him hear. I’ve never received a confession in my whole life, moreover, one from someone I would never have expected to give. I mean, I knew I had this pull of attraction towards Tom but that was just it. I never had tried putting much effort into it because being in love had been the farthest thing in my mind up until now. I liked Tom. More than I needed to, there was no denying that, but sharing my troubles and dilemma to another didn’t seem like an appealing idea at all. But I couldn’t neglect the fact that a small part of me hoped to be with him now that he’s confirmed his feelings towards me… but a relationship? I didn’t even know if I could handle one. Much less keep one.

  But before everything else, there were matters that had to come first. “I need to go to the loo.”

  Tom looked surprised, as if he wasn’t expecting to hear such response from me. “Is this your way of rejecting me? You could do a whole lot better than that love.”

  “I wasn’t rejecting you Tom. I mean it. I really need to go. And grab some fresh air while I’m at it.”

  Tom grinned. Whether it had been due to me not rejecting him or him knowing that I’d ruined the whole thing because I needed to empty my bladder, I didn't know why.

  “Then by all means, go. I would not want to deprive you of such necessity.”

  “Thanks. Means a lot. Be back in a bit.”

  Moments passed and I was already finished with my business in the loo. Back in the dressing room, I found Tom casually leaning against the wall with his phone on one hand and the other hidden away in the pocket of his slacks. I entered the room casually but added a dash of grace while I was it. I needed to. It’s not like you get to excuse yourself to the loo everyday while you were in the middle of a confession. I mentally sighed. Life can be so unpredictable at times.

  “Back so early?” Tom teased, the tension from earlier was nowhere visible on his pretty face.

  “Would you rather I spent the whole night inside the loo?” I replied with a raised brow but I didn’t deny that I loved the atmosphere between the two of us right now; just as long no one breaks down and gets all clingy.

  “As long as you invite me in, I’m up for any kink.” He gave a slight wink that would surely put any fan of his in a long term coma before giving his signature ‘Ehehehe’ laugh.

  “You’re mad.”

  “Madly in love with you, if that’s what you mean.”

  “I think I ought to go back to the loo.” I began to turn and walk away when I felt Tom’s hand stop me from completely doing so. It wasn’t like I was going to do it anyways, that is until Mother Nature beckons me to do so again.

  “I’m just messing with you love. But about what I just said earlier… Now that you’ve had your own fill of fresh air, I want to know how you feel.” He said while looking less playful and more serious now.

  I knew I need to give him a more definite and serious answer but I was slightly enjoying the chase a little bit. Surely, it wouldn’t hurt to play a little bit more, would it?

  “You’ll know once you’ve cleared out your schedule for the next few days.” I told him as I lightly patted his shoulder.

  “I told you to do better than that when you want to reject me love.”

  “Well then, did you hear me say ‘no’?”

  “Not really… but the way you put it—”

  “Exactly. Remember, we still need to finish up a few more appointments before we get down to trivial matters. Besides, I’m not running away. You wanted me to open my heart up right? Then you’ll have to make do with the slow process because I’m not used to having company… yet.” I smiled at him for a moment and went past him to grab my purse and his belongings.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw a smile tug at the corners of his lips.

  “But why the rush to finish with the appointments? I don’t see how any of that is related to my confession to you and your subtle dodging of the whole situation.”

  I grinned as I came back and handed him his stuff. “It’s because I plan to have you all to myself this weekend.” I paused, flicking my hand away. I was planning on teasing him a little bit.

“Forget what I said, you have better things to do right? And besides you’ll be able to know my answer one way or anoth—”

  This time, it was Tom’s turn to get sassy. “Hold your horses love. Did you hear me say ‘no’? You didn’t right?” He grinned back as he grabbed my hand and lead me outside where the night air greeted us with a gentle breeze.