Literally replying to all emails and doing paper work related things. Just kills me.

couldn’t listen all the way through | not my thing | it’s okay | kinda catchy | ok i really like this | downloading immediately | already in my library

ahh im a sucker for rap with a slow/soothing backing track ^-^ thank you so much!

Lately in class we’ve been talking about marriage as an oppressive heteronormative patriarchal institution, indicated by the father “giving away his daughter’s hand” and walking her down the aisle to pass her onto yet another man who will be her new caretaker and protector, and this just reminded me of a video shown to us in a class I took last year, (click 4 the link) Gender In a Changing Society (SOCL/WMNS 1260) about this thing called a Purity Ball where in really devout Christian communities, they host events where young girls (as young as age 10 and even younger) wear fancy dresses and pledge their virginity to their fathers. I find this practice to be absurd, especially given the fact that the virginity is pledged to the father (as opposed to a mother or even better, herself) and that this practice is more generally for daughters than it is for sons and that this happens at such a young age for girls who probably aren’t even thinking about (or know) what sex is and also the fact that the father referred to himself as his daughters’ “boyfriend” multiple times too. 

Though it’s totally 100% okay to choose to abstain from sex (in the video they abstain from dating and kissing too) until marriage or just in general, I don’t think in the instance of the lives of these girls, it’s really not considered a choice if they weren’t raised with any other option or information letting them know that yes, you can touch another person or want another person without being tainted for life or feeling extremely guilty and unworthy of anyone’s love. Though I know the intentions of these parents may not be malicious in any sort of way, because in the video they say they don’t want their daughters to feel the pain of heartbreak (in addition to upsetting their higher beings), by not being presented with any other alternatives, it never prepares anyone for the situations they are trying to avoid until marriage such as emotional strains and relationship conflicts and how to resolve them or realizing you aren’t sexually compatible with your partner. Though many online articles on this subject are mostly labeled with titles like “look at this outrageous practice lol!” and “this is gross!!” (and I agree it’s so disturbing) I think it’s something to seriously consider and discuss, because this is a modern day practice, and there are many forms other than purity balls (that can be less drastic and/or more subtle) in which this idea that women should remain sexually pure manifests, resulting in a really heavy burden of guilt and shame and terror on women who want to explore their sexuality.

Hello! I don’t think anyone’s posted about this yet but there’s this small short film about Hawaiian culture that talks about mahu (as mentioned in Janet Mock’s Redefining Reality and also in class) and explores how colonization has negatively impacted and changed their cultural view on gender fluidity (similar to how as European colonization in North America increased, the third gender indigenous people also became less and less common due to European culture forcing itself on the cultures and ideas of the Natives). 

“Ever person had their role in society, whether male, female, or mahu. Those who embraced the masculine and feminine traits in all of us. When American Missionaries arrived they were shocked and infuriated by these practices and did everything they could to abolish them.”

The documentary follows a young hawaiian native and their teacher, Kumu Hina, who are both mahu and how being mahu and Hawaiian is interpreted by society and their culture, how it impacts their life, and how they’ve found a home in “a place in the middle.”

Again, here is a link to the short film/documentary. It’s 25 minutes long.

After reading the Power and Control wheel, the first thing that came to my mind is that even though these signs of abuse are clearly defined and categorized onto a neat little diagram, it is often hard to tell in real life when one (or a friend or loved one) is being abused (or even more, when one is being the abuser) because these lines are not clearly defined in real life situations. Though this may not be the main cause for this blurriness, I think a main reason why we today find it hard to detect these signs is because factors in abusive relationships are often romanticized by popular media such as in TV shows, movies, books, and music. This led me to thinking about what songs I listen to and how these signs in relationships are often disguised as forms of love and care and appreciation when in fact, they may be leading to abuse, power, and control, so I decided to find a few lyrics that could be applied to some of the spokes of the Power and Control Wheel.

When analyzing these songs, I know most of them are not ill intended but as we learned before, impact overrides intent, and by conveying these sentiments as romantic or by using heartbreak as an excuse to justify these feelings that guilt trip others, I think these lyrics and others like these contribute to society’s unstated, romanticized, and even encouraging view towards abusive relationships.

Emotional Abuse/Isolation:

“Damn you stupid girl. Why won't you drop your guard? // The space between our lips is bound to break my ever aching heart // And I am sure that you will never find a man that is ever gonna love you more // So why won't you love me? // Well I hate your cigarettes and the men that you go see // Because one is killing you, while the other's killing me” Aware || Front Porch Step

Though the song sounds like a sweet acoustic lullaby, when the lyrics are stripped away from the melody, the sentiments raise clear alarms about the abusive and emotionally manipulative feelings of a guy who is frustrated that his friend doesn’t return his feelings. As a result, this leads to him trying to make her feel guilty for being the cause of all his pains, in addition to using them as an excuse to insult her and make her feel stupid for not seeing how such a Nice Guy™ he is for caring so much about her. I understand that unrequited love is hard on a person, but it’s not justifiable to use the anger against someone who can’t do anything about how they feel towards you. There’s a difference between being upset THAT someone doesn’t like you, and being upset AT someone for not liking you. The last lines about the cigarettes and men also irk me because it’s “Why aren’t you pleasing me and ignoring everyone else” disguised as “I care so much for you and know what’s best for you.”

(In addition as a side note, I liked a few songs from this artist before but then turns out the singer was a pedophile and abusive which got him kicked off of the majority of Warped Tour and lose the majority of his fan base.)(Thank god.)

Using children:

“Don't make me wake this, baby // She don't need to see what I'm about to do // Quit crying, b*tch, why do you always make me shout at you?” Kim || Eminem

I don’t listen to Eminem but someone told me to listen to this song recently so when I read the Wheel, this was the first song that instantly came to mind. I think if you examine all the lyrics, this song hits every point on the Power and Control Wheel and it’s very traumatic so as a warning, one should be prepared before listening to it but the lyrics are pretty self-explanatory. Most of the song is amongst the lines “I love you // how could you do this to me?” interspersed with a lot of screaming and violence. Love should never be an excuse to abuse or inflict violence on a person but it is often disguised as so. Although many of us in this class are probably aware of the problematic elements of Eminem’s music, keep in mind that the majority of his audience is young teen boys. In creating music that seems to justify these actions and this behavior, it easily influences these minds into thinking this is normal and okay, when it is most definitely not at all.

Economic abuse:

“But I gotta go and write these songs // So you don't have to get a job //And you just smile at me and drift back into sleep” Whatever Forever || The Mowgli’s

This song is pretty much the most happy song in the world and I definitely do not think that it’s ill intended at all but still, as stated before, impact overrides intention. I think romanticizing the idea that one can completely depend economically (by this I don’t mean that everyone is able or has the means to be completely economically independent) on another person, or vice versa, that it is expected that one is the economic support that their partner can exert their full weight on, is a cute or sweet gesture leads to toxic consequences.

Male privilege:

“Yes I do the cooking // Yes I do the cleaning // Plus I keep the na-na real sweet for your eating // Yes you be the boss and yes I be respecting” Hey Mama || David Guetta and Nicki Minaj

I was surprised Nicki partook in singing this part of the song, seeing as I respect her for always advocating her fans to not depend on men and to stand up for themselves as independent women. The “You be the boss” part emplaces a certain hierarchal role that each person in the relationship should play that I feel uneasy about.

Coercion and threats:

“If it makes you less sad // I will die by your hand” The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot || Brand New

Even though this is probably my favorite song in the world, I think it’s important to dissect and be aware of the media that you enjoy too. Even if this line isn’t interpreted as a suicidal threat, I don’t think one should ever feel obligated to give up and sacrifice this much in order to please another person. I think loving people are important but I think loving yourself and respecting yourself and acknowledging the importance of your well-being and happiness is just as crucial. This song plays this sort of sentiment off as the nicest thing a person should do for someone they love, but if the person really loved you, they’d never ask of this from you. It shouldn’t be seen as such a romantic or sweet gesture to be willing to give your life up for someone else, even though it’s basically the epitome “they made Ultimate Sacrifice for love” scenario that’s been seen throughout Hollywood to the extent where it is now just so exhausting and overused. In a healthy relationship, Ultimate Sacrifices shouldn’t even be there as an option given to you by someone who supposedly loves you.

Also I haven’t read any other posts on the Wheel just yet but I’m sure someone already pointed out that even though the majority of abusers are male, abusing women, there are definitely many variations of the dynamics in regards to gender and abuse. In addition, in a song by We Are The In Crowd, the lead singer who is a girl sings “ You like to think you broke the mold // But now I'm sure // You'll crack just like the rest when I // Break your fucking jaw” which is seen as a “hell yeah! girl power!” sort of line in addition to making violence inflicted on men by women more of a comical and nonserious issue. This sort of feedback minimizes the damage done towards men in abusive relationships, in addition to toxic masculinity discouraging men from speaking up about being abused since society places them as the pinnacle of strength and women as the weaker counterpart.

In the end, I think one of the hardest parts of being in a toxic relationship (whether romantic or platonic!) is realizing you are in one in the first place, and I think it’s because elements of the Power and Control Wheel are often disguised as gestures of love and this is so often seen throughout popular (and alternative) media that we ourselves can’t even detect it in our favorite songs, much less our personal daily lives.

In chapter five, Janet Mock brings up an interesting contrast between her woman relatives and her social justice friends, saying that “They rarely talked about the unfairness of the world with the words I used now […] like intersectionality, and equality, oppression, and discrimination. They didn’t discuss those things because they were too busy living it, navigating it, surviving it.”