#tw. venting

i just. idk. feel so. nihilistic.

i still have so so so so so very much muse for ren (trust me, he is in my thoughts daily, i love my stupid baby fox of an idol) but it just feels so crushingly demotivating. feeling like. of the, idk, 8 people i interact with, almost all of them are just mia. that the other people around in the community niche have either flat-out shut me out entirely or aren't really interested in much outside their friend group. or just aren't interested in interacting with me in the first place.

i've been feeling like this for a while, that kind of persistent sense of logging in here and going "why am i even here, no one really wants to interact, why am i even bothering to try when it's just going to be me shouting into the void before i slink back to my corner, same as it always is". though i guess it's not just here, since it's destroyed a lot of my motivation for my other boy too before he got much off the ground. and i just. idk. idk if i see it changing when i just.... feel like i'm being discounted before i even do anything on the rare times i do get a chance.

(yeah. this is why i'm struggling to be around + active. it's why i've been struggling to be around + active. really wish i knew how to fix it. i miss being excited to be around + active.)