Sometimes, we miss the way that things were before.
@/theunmanipilateddiaries---URL soon to be changed---is our second account, or our third account if you count the account that one of our exes gave us and we lost access to after the breakup. Our exes account wasn't anything special, we just liked looking at FNaF fanart and reading people's headcanons. We didn't interact outside of liking posts, and I don't even remember what that account was called. Anyway, that's irrelevant.
Our previous account, which I am not going to name, is the account in which we first started interacting with systems. We were super big into autism advocacy and cripplepunk at the time, and a lot of the blogs we followed so happened to be systems. We're one of those systems that follow the stereotype pipeline, "Oh, I'm a singlet and just find systems fascinating... Wait a minute."
When we went through our first syscovery (which was just over three years ago as of today), we were super awkward about it but extremely happy about it. At the time of our syscovery, we knew of five of us. Evan, Michael, Noah, Angel, and Ajuki. We quickly discovered two more of us, Matthew and Annie, but didn't find anyone else after that for a while. We were so content in our small system. We got SimplyPlural and started detailing everyone as best we could, though we were very SP-illiterate and barely understood anything.
As time went on, we ended up discovering a lot more people. It didn't surprise us at all, considering how we had seen people talk about that discovering a lot of people at once with your initial syscovery, and we didn't have an issue with it. Our member count bumped up from seven to forty-one in about half a year or so. We kept logging people into SP and detailed everyone when the motivation to do so struck.
And then, around mid-2023, we were in an unsafe spot in our life where we couldn't safely manage our system. We couldn't use SP, we lost access to our previous Tumblr account, and we ran out of ways to keep track of everything. Unknowingly, because of that, we went through a huge system collapse.
Now, we have no recollection of that system collapse. Something in us just switched on "survival only" mode and we were acting as close to a singlet as we could possibly be. A good portion of us went dormant. Switching became imperceptible and only happened if absolutely necessary. Other than that, we don't know anything else that happened.
It wasn't until this summer when we were removed from that unsafe spot and were able to use system tools again. Slowly but surely, we've been rebuilding our system since its collapse. But that collapse has had effects on us that we're not the most happy with. After the system collapse, our split tolerance dropped significantly low, to the point where new alters form constantly. Our entire headspace shattered, if that makes any sense to anyone else? We'll expound on that on another day, but yeah, that happened. We now have two sidesystems alongside our primary system, and subsystems have formed inside of our primary system, as well. We've been considering if we're polyfragmented or not, because there are countless fragments residing in our innerworld that, as time has proven, will eventually latch onto something and become a full-fledged alter. And, on top of all of that, our headcount went from under fifty to over three hundred, and possibly well over that, too.
Don't get me wrong, we love our system. As mean as we can be to each other, we still love each other and appreciate one another. While there are downsides to our system, we are still grateful for it, because I'm not sure we would've made it here today without our system. But, at the same time, we miss how simple things were before the system collapse. There has been so much stress within relating to rebuilding the system, and it's difficult. Like, really difficult. And sometimes we miss the way that things were before.
