#tw!vent

Guys

PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC WHEN REQUESTING, MY BRAIN IS ALREADY FRIED WHEN DOING YOUR REQ

i think theres mentally wrong with me. i feel like im crumbling from the inside. but i hold it in like a dam to a roaring ocean. and yeah, whatever thats not okay.

i want to hurt myself for no good reason. maybe because i think im ugly, maybe simply, i have enough scars, whats a few more?

im trying to be okay for everyone. im trying to smile and deal with lifes shit thats fucking served on a rusty platter. i walk away from situations hoping ill have someone there to run after me, but i hear no footsteps and no one's there to follow me.

im feigning happiness for everyone, im being a shoulder to lean on, but i slip and say the wrong thing and suddenly im the bad guy. i have a hard time controling my words. im constantly told i need to change and fix that but belive me, ive tried for 15 years....i cant change anymore.

so...tw for a lot of things...i dunno how to tag them...;-;

DID. probably the main topic on my mind right now. im trying to find out whats going on in my head....its fucking busy up there.

so, i have SOMETHING in my head...be it BPD or i dunno anymore.

But one thing i know for sure is that theres something. but it could be just placebo affect. it may sound wrong but i was always kinda jealous, of people with DID or systems. because the alters could protect them from memories and trauma.

and when i started to get a better understanding of how DID works...i was upset. because my mind felt so hallow, with all the memories and pain and horror just ringing in my head. there are just times where im so desperate for something, anything to be there for me to run towards to make me forget or to shield me from my pain but it would just make me angrier when there was nothing there. and this also got me thinking...is there something wrong with me? 15 years of pain, and lies, and abuse, and rape, and cutting, and horrible horrible unsaid things and events, constantly and nobody ever knew? i kept it all in and everyone still thought i was fine?

sometimes i try and convince my own self that that mask i kept up was to protect everyone, that the harsh words and thoughts were to be kept separate. so i compartmentalized, i separated my thoughts and emotions to not have to deal with the constant pain. but sometimes it slips through, and it doesn't even sound like me.

its cruel and its harsh and its raw emotion in a cocktail even i myself don't even have a name for. its uncontrollable, and its uncomfortable, and im scared it will get loose. im balancing and teetering my life during a balancing act of chaos....and id like to give in, but im reminded how my impulse hurts others, ruins relationships, destroys lives. and its all on loop inside my head constantly repeating and it hurts. "I want it to stop" words ive said like a mantra thinking it'd help in some way...

and i dont know whats wrong...ive changed so many times its hard to see through the millions of grayscales of myself...

If you are uncomfortable with vent art please ignore this post and have a nice day <3

tw!vent tw!sharps mentioned tw!scar mention tw!body issues

so...i duno how many other trans mates have this same thing like me? but i fucking despise shaving. my legs are fine i leave those fuckers alone and dont do shit to them.

anywhere else and i'll fucking panic.

and today had to be the shittiest day to do it.

SO, this will put some things into perspective:

first, my last period was cut short due to shitty ass stress, and i panicked bc that had never happened before. so it just fucking pissed me off and started today.

second, because of my body size, (yes i have fucking body issues and i hate it) its harder to reach areas where i need to shave, THEREFOR also making it harder to breathe. and if i cant breathe well my head looses oxygen and my legs start to shake.

thirdly, with me never having a mother figure and all, i never got taught anything proper about my body, and what to do and how to take care of myself. and because i dont know if im shaving right, im embarrased.

one of my biggest cons is that im fucking deathly afraid of majorly hurting myself (its kinda hypocracy sometimes but i have a shitty life okay?) so when i shake my hands become unsteady and i worry more, ON TOP of already having a headache and a shitty time breathing. and what i started doing was taking smaller scissors (like the ones in nail sets) with me so it was easier and faster to shave and i get fucking made fun of when people catch me bringing my stuff to shower.

and then the dysphoria of fucking even being in such a situation hits me like a fucking semi truck and i panic.

and not to mention its hot, because i can never take cold showers, it either bothers me bc i have warm skin or just also bothers me bc i can see my scars better. so all of this shit fucking collides and my brain has a shitty time making sure ill mentally pull through alright.

I am to fat..

I am to ugly..

I am to dumb..

everyone probably thinks I am annoying..

Julien would be better off with other lover..

I feel like a shitty partner..

I cry to much..

I probably need to grow up and act my teenage age..

I am too sensitive for a teenager..

God I wish I wasn't born..

I make to many mistakes...

you guys don't deserve me..