#turtle rants

but i really need to get one because i can’t afford a place on my own

@lady-tortilla-chip

Oh shush. You're too sweet.

I have no secrets.

Jk I have a lot of secrets.

As for writing? Idk. I think it helps to find a rhythm? And to try not to overcomplicate things.

Weirdly, I think learning Farsi actually improved my English writing. Kinda makes sense considering Farsi is well-known for its poetry and all my teachers told me I had to talk like I was singing. That words have a flow.

I was actually reading up on some linguistic stuff and saw something that said certain asiatic languages find English to be more musical? Like, we have a lot of lilting and drawling. If that’s so, Farsi does it even more. Secret: I'm convinced it's how Farsi-speakers know which of their little invisible vowels go where. *shakes fist* (aka I got through reading Farsi by looking at a word and going "well, this vowel would make a better sound so...")

I mean who thinks it's okay to just block someone in the middle of a normal conversation on one social media, then block them again when they send a question asking if everything is okay somewhere else cause ya know the first one could have been an accident. (I have actually deleted someone once while cleaning up accounts that were abandoned before. It SUCKS.) And ignores texts before finally talking to a mutual we have and giving vague ass answers of "a lot of things piled up and I got hurt and mad" when I thought we, having know each other for 15 YEARS (ya, that long) could talk about shit like adults.

And that last didn't happen for a month. So I get to sit on my ass, frantically checking for her name in her local newspaper/morgues thinking she'd been killed for a month just to find out she decided to just cut me out of her life. With no word, just fucking blocked. Like how the fuck is that okay?

Now I'm pissed, upset and without someone who I considered a sister. I keep picking up my phone and thinking "oh, she'll love to hear this" only she ain't fucking there anymore! So texting/dming her isn't gonna do jack shit! And now I gotta try to not burst out crying at the reminder that someone who was a BIG part of my life is just gone.

"We may talk again in the future." BITCH WHAT THE FUCK? The fuck am I going to do with that? I've been talking with my BF about finding ways to stream any possible wedding so she could be there if she wanted while apparently she been thinking she wanted nothing to do with me? Is that what I'm suppose to get from all this? Like really? 15 years of sharing nearly everything and suddenly what? It means nothing?

I can't ask her all this and it is taring me up inside. Like how do I even deal with the fact that it feels like I'm missing something? Like someone just reached into my chest and took part of my heart out.

I was looking forward to telling her about other things when they happened. She taught me the vaule of small talk, something I didn't get cause everyone around me was usually there so why do they need to hear it from me? But with a few hundred miles between us, I learned that just because someone else was there, didn't mean they saw what I saw. And no, not the really pointless small talk about weather or whatever. But the "did you see so and so reactions" kind. Cause even if you saw it, someone else didn't and that builds a connection. And she taught me that cause she would ask those dreaded questions "How was your day?" "Did ya have fun?" "What did you do?"

I learned how to answer them and how to ask them back. And now I can't ask them. All I have are DM's that say unavailable or a bot reply that basically says sorry, can't deliver that cause you're not friends.

And now I get to sit here, wondering what I did, what tell did I miss, that cost me so much. Wondering if she got that transfer, how her munchkin is doing, if she and her hubby got a chance to spend time together cause I know they usually have opposing day/night shifts. Never thought I would sound like a suburban mom but hey, I liked catching up with her. Even if sometimes my hyperfixation meant it could be a month before I remebered to actually ask, I still thought about it.

Maybe that was part of it. I don't say it often but I am ADHD. Maybe that was forgotten. And I try, I do, but I can't fix or even acknowledge something if nothing is said. And losing her over something like that, just makes it worse.

I don't usually makes posts like this. I don't like putting private things out into public, or even semi-public, places. And I have talked with people about this, probably a little to much. Some who knew her and some who didn't cause I am at least trying to not lean to hard on one person. No one whom I've know that long though. Cause the only person left who I have known that long as well no longer talks to her and I try not to bring either of them up to each other out of respect for their choices. And before anyone starts thinking that should have been a sign, they stopped talking over 10 years ago.

I have people to talk to, I know I'm not alone; but when I can't turn and talk to her it feels like I am. I think the only way it would hurt worse was if there wasn't a couple thousand miles between us. But I'll live, I guess.