#turninganewleaf

Zenny jolted up from his bedroll, sweating and panting, waking up from his slumber. Although slumber was perhaps too good a word for what he had been doing. Even calling it sleep would be an overstatement. It felt more like closing his eyes, lying, and waiting. And he didn’t wait for time to pass, although it did. He waited for the images in his mind that inevitably came to the forefront of his consciousness. Images of a man, a man who Zenny had looked up to. Zenny found it ironic, that in this man’s final moment, Zenny had literally looked up to him. He was flying, it must have been an amazing feeling. At least for a split second, until the beams of fire incinerated him. His two black boots with brown laces, were the only thing left of him, and they fell to the ground. Ash filled the air where his body had once been, and it fell like snow. Zenny’s stomach turned at the smell of burned and blackened meat. The horrible dream wasn’t always the same. Sometimes he was the one being incinerated, other times it was him watching, helpless and unable to do anything. Watching his role model and best friend, Trevor, being wiped from this world in an instant. But that wasn’t the worst part. Not really. Mostly because he had seen it so many times, it was the waiting that really wrecked him. And a thought, a thought that maybe this time, it would end differently. Of course, it never did, even though the dream differed from time to time, the ending was always the same. The image of that dirty blue-eyed face smirking at him and his red-brown hair blowing in the wind, and the same six words echoing through his mind.

Don’t fuck with the mighty nine.

           Zenny took a swig from his waterskin as he got up from his bedroll. He took on his jacket and started putting on his boots. He tied the brown, old and slightly charred laces, shook his head, and got out of the tent. The fresh cold air filled his lungs as he walked towards where he knew Bork was standing guard. He didn’t bother looking up at the skies to gage the time, he knew the sun would rise in about a half-hour or so. The dream always came at that time, a dream he really should have been calling a nightmare, or a night terror. That’s what the old Zenny would have called it anyways, always complaining and making excuses. But he had decided to turn over a new leaf, and he had promised the purple tiefling to make something of himself. He hadn’t said it to him directly, because at the time he was busy being robbed and pissing himself in terror, but a promise was a promise. And the new Zenny didn’t break promises. The new Zenny also tried to look on the bright side. That meant that the dream, who should have been called a nightmare, was actually just a wake-up bell, his own personal wake-up bell, and that could come in handy when hunting animals and selling pelts. While he walked through the forest, Zenny wondered why the motley crew that incinerated Trevor had called themselves the mighty nine. He had never seen more than seven of them at a time. When Zenny came up the hill however, Bork’s usual morning grin interrupted what thoughts he might have had on the number, and name, of that maniacal group.

“Good morning boss” Bork said.

“It’s a morning at least” Zenny said, forgetting his vow of no-complaining for a second. “What’s the status on our traps, please tell me some good news”.

“Eeh well that depends on what you think is good news” Bork’s grin had changed to a look of worry and guilt

“What? Are our traps empty? Did you scare the animals off with your stupid humming again?” Zenny said, annoyingly rubbing his thumbs together.

“No nothing like that, we caught something alright. It’s big, I’ve never seen anything like it, and uuhm, how do I say this. It’s, it’s still alive. Ah best if I just show you, come with me”

Bork trotted nervously towards one of the traps they had prepared and laid out last week as the sun crept up from the horizon. In the distant, one could see something, something was dangling from the tree. Zenny squinted his eyes but could only make out a shadow. The sunlight hit the top of the tallest trees at first, and then slowly descended, luminating the rest of the forest. The thing that hang in their trap, was being lit up slowly by the sunlight. Zenny’s jaw dropped as he realized what he was looking at. Only one word came to his mind as he stared.

So i’m creating my tumblr account since my previous account was so old and i can no longer remember my emails and stuff.

This year I feel that i was at the bottom of my life.

I’m not a good story teller good thing is no one will read this, i just want to express all my feeling and start my 2020 with a new life fresh perspective in life.

I ended my contract with my previous employer last Nov 2018, after 4 years of working for different companies I felt that I needed a break. So for the start of 2019 I just enjoyed my life playing computer games, watching movies and TV Series. Although I was trying to apply to some companies where when I was invited to an interview I just wing it and answer on the spot.

By around the month of April i’ve been to some countless job interview and I’ve prepared a lot for it, however I still can’t get a job, and then it hit me! maybe I wasn’t competent enough for the position I’m applying? Should I change my career? Should I just accept any rank and file job so I won’t be a burden to my family? Btw, I was an IT Project Manager so normally they only hire 1 person for the position and it is a tough competition I have to outsmart someone who has far more knowledge and far more experience than me.

Continuing this path, I’m not sure regarding the date or month. I broke up with my girlfriend. I don’t know the real reason but i believe we don’t have a good closure but for me the reason is I felt that she doesn’t have any support or belief in me. She’s pressuring me to apply for a job where in fact that is what I’m trying to do but sadly I can’t enter the market. Instead of telling me that “Babe you can do better next time! I believe in you” She uses the words “What the fck are you doing with your life? can’t you do anything better with your life, Go just play your stupid games, be with your friends who are also wasting their life” and I also felt that she’s constantly lying to me so that’s really what I hate in people.

Next issue in my 2019 where it almost push me to the edge I almost committed suicide is when the time my father sent a wrong message to his mistress in our family group chat. I knew way back that he has a mistress and i’ve accepted the fact, however what I can’t take was he is so fckng stupid to send it to a wrong messenger where my mother, younger brother and sisters are involve. Because I don’t know how are they going to accept those kind of facts. That’s where I was so thankful that I have my friends around. If they didn’t respond to my call that night I’ll be dead by then. I also felt the power of the Bro Code Article 1: Bro’s before Ho’s.

Last December 26, I was able to express my true feeling to the one person I love the most, I’ve been in love with her since I believe it was around 2011, I also think that she is one of the reason for all my failed relationships. Because when things gets too serious i’m always thinking of her, why this seriousness is not being with her, she is always at the back of my mind and heart. Although she appreciate my confession she turned me down. It is heartbreaking that someone you loved for all those years doesn’t see or feel the  same way. It is a good closer for all my problem in this decade so I can start a new decade with a new life and in the future if I ever loved someone I can love her faithfully, but first I have to move on and erase my feelings with her, it will be hard since I’ve been inlove with her for a long time.

The reason I created this post is all those problem I’ve faced I never thought I was able to rally, I never thought my life would be just a stuck up loser. Just this December 27. I received a good news I got accepted as an Assistant Project Manager, although it is a demotion from my previous position and the salary is low I accept it because it will be the starting point of my life and closing this decade of hardship and problems.

So this coming 2020 I’ll be strong and focus on healing and repairing myself!

Wish me luck who ever get‘s to stumble on this post.

I started to become fond of indoor planting these days. I visited the house of my pastor and mentor and, in all honesty, was amused by the idea that she started planting herself. 

I have known her for quite a while, and I didn’t see her as someone with a green thumb. So it was quite a surprise for me to see her like that. And I was teasing her a bit. May pagkanaughty talaga ako. 😜

But what I didn’t know is that there’s something that was imparted to me. So nagsimula ang journey ko with indoor planting nung nagkaroon ng project ang anak ko sa school. After about a week, I saw her bring home what we bought as mere seeds, pot and soil. 

I saw seedlings, sprouting with life.

And I was moved. I wanted to take care of it. AND TAKE CARE OF IT I DID.

The things I found really, really funny I found myself doing.  I became motherly to it. I want to see it healthy. Gusto kong dinidiligan sya. Gusto kong nakikita syang naka sunbathing sa araw. I want to talk with it. 

The conversation I overheard my mentor and her husband were having is the exact conversation my and my husband are doing na rin. My hubby was surprised kasi hindi nga ako mahilig sa planting, ever since before.

I shared my enthusiam with my mom. And she too was surprised. Hindi naman kasi talaga ako ganun before. I remember I had no interest with planting whatsoever. My mom had a garden. I didn’t help her with it. So just imagine, nung nalaman ni mama that I was so in love with indoor planting.

Then suddenly, my mom called me with a surprise: she bought me 3 beautiful plant babies. And we went to the shop, bought some plants. I asked my mom to teach me how to take care of it better. And we found ourself bonding over something na before I use to take for granted.

And that brought me a sense of joy that I haven’t felt before.

Ganito pala yun. The life of an indoor plant parent. ❤️

                                       Say hello to my new babies! ^^

                                                         ------

There were important things that lead to me being an avid indoor plant parent:

1.) I saw an example.

2.) Someone imparted something to me.

3.) Something changed inside of me.

4.) I responded to that change. I left my former mindset then moved towards that change.

Afterward I saw the change take effect. Nagbunga sya sa akin.

And as I reflect on this, I realized that this awfully sounds too familiar.

There is this idiom that says “turning over a new leaf”. Basically what it means is to “start over, to act in a different manner, change your attitude about something.”

This reminds me of Romans 12:2 where apostle Paul said:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Apostle Paul was talking about the work of the gospel in the life of one person once he truly understood and accepted Jesus’s finished work on the cross.

It renews. It transforms.

The gospel gives the opportunity to turn a new leaf in one person’s life.

And the good news is, this can happen to you! 

And this doesn’t happen once in your life. Repentance marks just the start of this transformation. And it happens all throughout your journey towards your spiritual maturity. 

Continuous renewal. Continuous transformation. 

And just like my indoor parenthood journey, it doesn’t happen overnight.

1.) You will meet people who are just like you, once indifferent but totally transformed. An example of God’s power at work. 

2.) They will share and impart the life they have received from Jesus with you.

3.) The more that you see and hear them, the Holy Spirit will work in you. And there will be something that you know will change inside of you, especially with how you look towards sin. 

4.) And once you recognize that, you will start to respond to that change of mindset and hate sin. Then you will leave your former mindset and move towards the life God has for you.. LIFE THAT IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 

LIFE THAT HATES SIN AND CAN SAY NO TO SIN.  A LIFE THAT IS ABUNDANT AND FULL OF JOY. A LIFE THAT IS CLOSER TO GOD. A LIFE THAT HAS JESUS. A LIFE THAT IS TRANSFORMED. 

This is the real turning of a new leaf. A life that is with Jesus. A life that is marked by repentance. A life that is full of joy and abundance in the Lord.