Like seeing myself as a freak for years still has an effect on me. I still feel guilty whenever I feel attraction to women, that I'm sullying her with my lesbian desire. When I was younger, I always skipped PE class whenever a sport with possible body contact was planned. I was so terrified of experiencing attraction to my female classmates. When I did get a crush on a girl from my class, I made sure to only speak to her when necessary, to avoid eye contact and looking in her direction, and to never be alone with her. In hindsight, she probably thought I disliked her, but it was the opposite. I was so afraid of getting close to her, and of contaminating her with my lesbian presence.