#tteots

  There’s a few fundamental differences that exist between Four and I. One, he’s a combat unit and I’m not. And yet, despite this, I walk around like I’m hot shit and I know whatever I let fly out of my mouth without restraint probably irritates him. Two, he’s cold for the most part and I’m the opposite. He’s responsible and serious, but whenever we end up on missions together I always end up messing around too much for this liking. He knows I understand the way I’m acting and that I don’t make much of an effort to appeal to his preferences. 

  He protects me on missions because he has to - because that’s the kind of guy he is. He’ll be the first to move to rescue me (and he has, I might add) from a stray bullet whistling through the air or a blade coming my way. 

  So, to put it simply, I’m a pain in the ass he always has to take care of. I’m aware of it enough to feel guilty about it, but I’m not capable enough to pay it back the same way. I can’t use my arms and legs to save him the way he saves me. I can’t protect him the same way he does for me or give him the sensation of being protected when he has my back. Everything is paid back in way that is less than satisfactory for me.

  “Why didn’t you listen to Ten?” Four is quick to get directly to the issue. 

  Even Ten didn’t walk in that pissed off like he did. I had already been chewed up by Ten and their lecture to the point Dr. Park shooed them out before they could get another word in so I could rest without stress. Four is different, though, cause he doesn’t particularly have a care for what Dr. Park has to say. 

  As for me, I’m content with finding the spot on the ceiling interesting than another talking to, but I know if I don’t respond enough this time is going to be even more unpleasant than before. 

  I take a small breath in, the entire side of my body sensing stinging pain that sinks into the muscles. I didn’t pay attention to where the Magician wandered off to in the middle of the mission. The shattering glass and rising smoke masked her presence and all I could think about that time was that the balcony where Four was poised had started coming down. A rushing prey must have looked delicious to her. 

  “Sorry,” I reply softly, closing my eyes. 

  “Sorry doesn’t mean a damn thing now,” He fires back. “Dr. Park says you’ll be out for another week or so. Your team’s down a person because you didn’t listen to your leader.” 

  “Right,” I respond as if I’m agreeing to a fact and not to a scolding. 

  It ticks him off more that I’m being too nonchalant about it. I’m not. I just can’t feel anything right now. Why am I shrinking away? 

  Oh. I let him down. So I don’t feel good. That’s how it is. 

  “You really don’t have anything else you want to say?” 

  I don’t like this.

  “You run around, acting like this is all fun and games and can’t even own up to any of it when shit goes wrong.”

  I hate this actually. 

  “Can you, for once--”

  Something snaps. I’ve pushed my upper body off the medical bed before he can get another word out. Something about my sudden surge of emotions must catch him off guard even if only slightly because he tenses up a little. I can’t tell how I’m looking at him but it must be enough for him to stop speaking. He’s not someone to back down, even if I’m acting this way, so he’s just being kind enough to let me have my outburst before he goes back to doing what he does best when I make a mistake.

  “Shut up, Four! Jesus, just shut up!” I’m yelling at him, shrugging off the pain in my body with all I have. Most of my anger is coming from that rather than anything he did. I’m venting, struggling against how I feel and what I want to say. It’s all coming out wrong. I’m jumbling my words, fumbling around in to look for things to say that aren’t even true or fair. 

  “I disobeyed orders to save your ass that was halfway ready to go splat on the damn ground! So, I’m sorry, okay? I know I should have stayed put instead of trying to engage in combat. I know!” I can’t keep it up anymore and crash back onto the medical bed. 

  “If you know then you should have stayed there,” Four answers as calm as he always does. “Even if I’m in danger. You don’t move. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you coming in to play hero when you can’t even do it, got it?”

  I breathe again. It stings like before but with the way this conversation is going it hurts even more than last time. I’m exhausted from arguing with him like this all the time, so I nod, closing my eyes again and breathing. Dr. Park told me just to breathe to get used to the pain. 

  It’s like always. We’re trying to say the same thing and not understanding one another.

  “Got it.” I concede this time. 

  It’s quiet for a while before the doors to the lab open and the distinct sound of Dr. Park coming and Four leaving hit my ears. I fall asleep before she can ask me any questions. 

  The next time we’re paired up for a mission (and after a few more times where Ten quite literally chucks me around the training facility), I don’t even mutter a single word aside from ‘roger’. Alpha and Beta sometimes collaborate together and sometimes I can see Eight again. Two Sirens are better than one when we’re crashing a huge party. They pair me up with Four because of whatever reason ( ‘It’s to keep away anybody who might get in the way of his shot’ ) and we don’t utter single word to each other as we tiptoe around this place. Everything feels so heavy on both of us.

  The music is too loud. My head is hurting. I don’t want to look at Four too much. What did I say to the people that tried to come in at our vantage point? I don’t know. I can’t remember. Four would remember.

  When I see him in his outfit - decked from head to toe in black armor and the red screen across his eyes - I suddenly realize that I mess around with him too much. He’s poised, ready to do what he has to. He’s cold, but not that cold. But I wish I could see that somewhere different.

  I’m sorry, Four.

  The sound of the gun splits through the festivities of the night. I flinch. I can’t help it.

  “Got ‘em,” Four states, but a silence comes in afterwards. 

  My eyes can see the panic down below. Everyone is moving quickly, tripping and cursing all around while looking for the way out. We have to go. I open my mouth but close it at the sight of him already packing up his gun. There’s nothing to say to him anyway. Anything that comes out will be fumbled, in poor taste even.

  I let Four get in front of me, keeping my eyes downward. He’s most likely already noticed that there’s something off because usually I’m several steps ahead of him. I keep myself small, though, and match his movements, so focused on the growing pain in my head at all the thoughts that I don’t even take notice to anything around me. 

  “You have a problem?” I ask. 

  Because Four is at my open door, hands in the pockets of his jacket. Because I refuse to look up from my book that I ended up borrowing from another operative for the sole reason that I wanted to be their friend. Get to know the person you want to be friends with and all that. 

  “Don’t be smart,” he responds, stepping through the threshold.

  I roll my eyes and toss the book onto my bed. “I didn’t get in the way so I don’t know what else you have to be upset about.”

  “The attitude, for one, actually.”

  A scowl sets itself on my lips. He mirrors my expression slightly. There’s a short silence before he breathes in and speaks. “You didn’t even argue when I told you to do something. You held yourself back jumping into fights, too.”

  “Is that bad?” I raise an eyebrow at him, confused.

   “No,” he answers, “That’s the way you should be on missions, but you shouldn’t be a whole different person.”

  I don’t have anything to say in return, so he takes it as a cue to go on.

  “If it’s about what happened before--” 

  Now, I do have something to say. “Stop. Please, stop.” I breathe in. “Yes, it is about what happened before. Of course it is. But--” I put an emphasis on that word. “It was still my decision to change. With that being said, goodbye.”

  I’m avoiding the real issue here.

  “Not goodbye,” Four replies, letting out a frustrated sigh afterwards. I feel myself shrink again.

  “I didn’t want to cause any problems this time around,” I cut in.

  “That’s a bit of a surprise,” he mutters, looking to the side quickly before lack at me. “You usually are fine with causing a bit of problems.”

  “I...” What do I say to that? “...know, but I didn’t want to give you anymore trouble.”

  That made it awkward for a solid half a second before my lips start moving again to recover the situation. After all, even if he’d appreciate the sentimentality, whose to say it’s appropriate right now. I’m reaching out, but it might not be the time to do so. We’re still not seeing each other the way we should. 

  “I’m sorry.” 

  It’s so quiet in my room tonight. Four is still across from me, and I’ve already returned to my book. I’ve said what I wanted, so I push him back. It doesn’t work well like this, but it’s not the time yet. 

  “It’s okay,” he says, finally. “It’s...okay.” 

  My grip on the book tightens slightly, a forced smile shows up on my face. He’ll notice it sure enough. He knows I don’t think it’s okay. We’ll have to be content with ending the conversation here. 

  “Alright. Goodbye.” My voice is a little strained. 

  I have so much I’m thinking about. My head hurts from it all. So much to think and nothing to show for it at all. I understand certain complexities of the situation - of him, of myself, of our lives now - but I don’t dare to speak a single word of it. I’m still scared to open it all up to others. Why disturb the water’s surface if it looks peaceful?

  “Bring me dessert, please, Four?” I’ll cover up again. “Pretty please? With a cherry on top?” And again. Again. 

  “Now you’re back to old self again.” He clicks his tongue. “Dessert? Don’t you need to sleep?”

  “Don’t say that! I deserve a reward for all my hardwork.”

  “You just followed me around.”

  “Which was an extremely difficult job might I say. I get bored staring at your back all the time.”

  “Then we won’t go any more missions together if that’s what you want.”

  “No! Then you’ll be devastated without me.”