#tsspeaknow

“Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone. 

 What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest. 

 So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘I could’ve, but it’s too late now.’ 

 There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. 

I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now.”

Since 13 is Taylor’s number and all, and this is my 13th year of being a fan of the crafty cat queen, I wanted to jot down some thoughts. This is long, but please bear with me.

I found out about @taylorswift in 2006. Saw her on TV, literally drove right to Wal-Mart to buy her album. Unknowingly starting a tradition I would proceed to do for the next 5 albums, I unwrapped the CD on the way to the car and then sat there and listened to it in the parking lot. I was in college at the time and literally created a MySpace page just to follow her. 

In 2007, I paid $5 to see her at my hometown’s fall festival. Back then, she signed autographs for every single person in line who would wait for her. I brought my clunky digital camera and my CD, and was crushed when my friend’s boyfriend (who was our ride) demanded to leave after her set and I didn’t get to meet her. I literally left thinking “She is going to get really famous after this and I probably just missed my chance to ever meet her.” (I also was mentally cursing out my friend’s boyfriend, who I still am annoyed at to this day. Screw you Cody.) 

Flash forward (and we’re taking on the world together) through all the eras. I’m not joking when I say Taylor has written the soundtrack to my life. Literally everything I’ve gone through, she releases an album right after it and everything speaks exactly to me. From my high school boyfriend who refused to let me drive his truck, to the highs and lows of Fearless (which I got my first tattoo of by the way), to moving out on my own for the first time before Speak Now, to my toxic relationship and devastating breakup of RED. 

“I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me.”

Which brings us to 1989. My college roommate and I have attended concerts together for 15 years. Garth Brooks, Reba McEntire, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce. We’ve seen Taylor 4 times together, from Fearless at 23 to reputation at 32. (I’ve seen her 7 times - every tour!) We saw Fearless twice: in Cincinnati and Chicago. I saw Speak Now and RED in Kansas City, and we saw 1989 and reputation in St. Louis. (What can I say...Love Taylor, Will Travel.) 

Anyway. Back to 1989. The day we saw 1989, I had cried on her couch that entire day, finally confessing the details of my toxic abusive marriage and how miserable I was. That evening, I stood there holding hands with my best friend and crying as Taylor sang “Clean.” It was that moment I knew I had to leave my ex-husband. After that, the rest of the album rang true for me as well: we got divorced and I finally started building a good group of girlfriends around me and finding out who I was in life and what I actually liked and didn’t like. 

“She lost him but found herself and somehow that was everything.” 

Taylor got dumped on and “canceled” by the media and the public. I could relate because the rumor mill spun and I lost all my local friends after the divorce. She had to go through a public sexual assault trial, and I ached for her knowing she had experienced something that I had too, and she had the courage to fight back on the national stage when I could barely speak the words out loud. 

Then reputation came out. Between it and Beyonce’s Lemonade, it had the powerhouse post-divorce jams I needed. And it also had the music that would exactly describe meeting the love of my life 7 months later. The one who came in when my self-esteem when it came to relationships was shattered. The one who saw all of that...the wounds, the bad things that had been said about me, me still piecing my life back together...and didn’t care. The one who liked me for me. 

And now? I’m doing better than I ever was. I got a promotion. I paid off debt. I bought a house on my own. I graduate next week with my master’s. We’re talking about our future. And Taylor’s about to release TS7, whatever that will be. On a new label, starting a fresh chapter in her life, just like me. ME! just dropped at midnight, and it’s the happy sunshine pop song that echoes how happy I am now. 

"without your past, you could never have arrived- so wondrously and brutally, By design or some violent, exquisite happenstance ...here."

People often do not understand why I am such a big TS fan, especially now at 33. I go to her concerts and have kids dancing alongside of me (I’ve even taken my kid to one of her concerts!), but none of it bothers me. Her music has been the soundtrack of my life for 13 years. On good days and bad days, to first dates and breakups, to friends and enemies. A song for every season. 

Thank you Taylor. I’ve had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.