#tshrp

this is just a little deviation from amber-canon , her involvement in the secret history doesn't even lead her into the main plot but i thought it'd be fun to think of how she'd behave if in that situation . to all you canon sticklers don't be mad , she's just a girl and this is just ideas . to help with following along i wrote a little list of the traits i believe amber would have pre-hampden just for some consistency !

- jealous

- complacent

- optimistic

- nieve

- logical

i think she'd be very quiet in classes at first , something about each of their classmates makes her uncomfortable . she does the work at rather an average , doesn't contribute in class for fear of being wrong . she does eventually though , i like to think she'd have to spark a friendship with one of the others first - perhaps bunny or camila . amber would be much more comfortable after that ; perhaps feeling like this is her opportunity to prove herself , that she is worthy of being there .

being involved in exclusivity would subdue the jealousy she'd felt for most of her life , she'd be much less angry at the world and much more subdued . it'd be the first time in her life amber had felt a sense of inclusivity , like she had people to just , exist with . instead of being jealous of each member of the class , she'd admire them , wordless respect .

i believe she'd struggle after the bacchanal ( yes i'm convinced she'd be a part , see point complacent (( if someone she associates with / sees as a friend tells her an idea she's almost bound to agree )) but yes she'd struggle . she resists the urge to leave , go home . amber wouldn't , fear of the word home among a refusal to demonstrate cowardice . she's on edge constantly , doesn't go outside unless she has good reason , it makes her physically sick more often than not . she found her usual optimism drained , everything that she loved about life was enough to make her hate it . she's not proud of herself but she makes it through . that she tells herself it'll pass .

when the death of bunny is approached as a topic , she doesn't actively contest it . she justifies it as logical - a him or us situation . she thinks about su!cide , the idea that she could just get out of it but that too , feels cowardly . tells herself that bunny is the obstacle stopping her from a good year . but of course she feels guilty even to consider it: it felt like there was a distinct line between the manslaughter of an unknown farmer and the murder of someone she considered a friend . she lets it happen , lets the event pass and the guilt come later .

it's like everyone's fine after - from amber's skewed perception anyways . she cries about it a lot , not just sadness for a death , but guilt too . it makes her feel unclean . she sleeps for a day at a time , late assignments and poor eating habits and she's constantly ill . she knows she's cracking , that complacence and "it'll pass" has lead her to something she cannot pass . days pass without her leaving her dorm , and it's like she's 19 again - stuck in her bedroom . but there's no mother to stop her from leaving . but there's guilt in the weight of the door-handle in her palm .

julian leaves and why would she stay in classes after that ? she's ready to leave even moreso now , to cut her losses pack her bags and go to sleep in the silence of her childhood bedroom . and then henry shoots himself and richard's been shot and god why even try ? she doesn't say her goodbyes , not to any of the mismatches friends that she'd bonded with over something so terrible .

it starts young , with her sisters . olive and violet , close in age looks and personality . they'd talk to and from school , over the dinner table , freely with shanon (mother) . they have everything she doesn't and it eats away at her , she feels it burn beneath her skin as she cuts into her dinner . silent as always .

olive and violet grow up before she does , they graduate and begin families , they don't live at home anymore . amber is jealous of that too . she spends her days with math she doesn't understand , writing on books she's already read . her sisters have grown past that , they're unaware of the silence they've left behind in exchange for their own lives .

olive dies . hardly lived and leaving behind a son . amber doesn't consider it significant , it is . the jealousy subsides for a while - it'd be disrespectful really . she plays role of dutiful grieving sister but is really only grieving for monotony . because nothing is really quite the same after .

she's jealous of her classmates too , as they walk for graduation . they have family out there cheering for them , colleges to go to and people to celebrate with . amber has bags full of books stolen from her school's library , in exchange for walking . and her sister , violet (alive) waiting to drive her home . so she has every right to be jealous really , it's another cliché she's robbed of .

it spreads as she begins college , being cooped up for a year , next to silent can do that to a person surprisingly . she's jealous of the greek class: of bunny , henry , camila , charles and francis . what they must have that she's lacking in . she knows languages - latin and spanish , so it's not even like she'd be incompetent . amber's aware when she sees them about , their better than - almost uneasy demeanour . so yes - she is jealous . not that she'd ever admit it .

parties aren't a rarity , warm beer clutched in hand as amber clings to the wall - or cigarette ( she only picked it up for something to do ) clutched in hand as she sat in the cool night air . she envied the people who had the courage to get up and dance , talk to a stranger or take someone's hand . she seethed with jealousy , bottled it up for each year of existence . anyone who seemed to be able to socialise was an inconvenience .

richard papen , who managed to study greek . who joined the class late after she'd been turned down . it was an endless loop of discontent really , and soon enough he seemed to absorb the sense they carried around . it was like the world was laughing at her . each thing she longed for was just out of her grasp , just enough for someone else and god - wasn't it her turn ?

first of all to address whatever's being said insinuates an audience on the other end : that this has been practiced and written , perhaps like a book .

" dear reader if it feels like a trap you're already in one " - we begin in amber's year post college , trapped at home . she knows she is stuck , unsure how to get past that . her only solace is literature - and an endless monologue in her head to go with , reminders that she's missing out on life , that her piers are aging without her .

" desert all your past lives , and if you don't recognise yourself that means you did it right " upon moving to hampden she does her best to reinvent herself in a way , become more social , change her appearance . anything to appear versed in society, not to appear unsure . she didn't always quite fit in but it was enough for her to try , to act like she understood what she was doing .

" dear reader , you don't have to answer just cause they asked you " when applying to hampden she attempted to gain a place in the greek class , was rejected . amber , who'd dedicated time to spanish and latin was rejected . she needlessly took this personally , kept her language learning close to herself after that - her own needless secret . like she had something to be ashamed of .

" so i wander through these nights , i prefer hiding in plain sight " amber was a wallflower at many a college party , spent plenty of time in the library . other than lessons that would be the only time she left her dorm ; regardless of how she tried she was still a recluse. she noticed various people and couldn't help but be somewhat envious of strangers , would be glad to be anyone else .

"where i pace in my pen cause my friends found friends who care" even though amber can now go outside , is free to leave whenever she wants , she finds herself so often laid in bed with a book - reminiscent of old habits . she knew people , but she still didn't find herself with close friends . she couldn't help but want for more , anyone to feel close to or just a friend .