Seriously? Another one?

I know, i know. I said i wasn't going to make a tumblr diary but i really sat and thought about it and realized - my friends know nothing about me. I mean sure, they know some things but not the stuff that really makes me me and its not even their fault, its mine.

All because i have this irrational fear that once i start telling other people about my interests (the fictional characters i like, the celebrities i'm currently obsessing over, my favorite artists or band), i'm afraid that they're gonna be taken from me. Logically, i'm aware that that doesn't make any sense. I know that, of course i do. Doesn't make it any less scary though.

So for so long, i just keep them to myself. I was gatekeeping them to my own friends. Don't get me wrong, for a while it's what worked for me. I was happy. I have my own thing. I have things that felt solely mine. But sometimes, when things are hard and i'm going through something rough, i wonder: how much does my friends really know me?

Do they know that i like to eat chocolate ice cream after every meal? Do they know that i'm currently hyper fixating on bread with scrambled eggs on top? If they randomly saw a picture of Rarity from my little pony, will they know that she's my favorite and remember me? Are they aware that i haven't read a straight romance book for roughly 5 years now because straight couples give me hives and i cannot bear to read anything about them?

It's depressing how most of the answers for the questions above are probably No. If i died today, they wouldn't know those things about me because i never told them. For some reason, the idea of my friends barely remembering anything about me when i died scares the shit out of me more than the idea of dying itself. Because how horrible is that??? I spent 21 years on this planet and the most they would probably remember about me is that i'm a tiny bixesual girl with a round face who likes to speak in english and loves barbie. That's it. If they even remember those things at all.

So i have decided that i cannot continue living like that. There has to be at least one person in my life that knows about these stuff. I would die happily knowing that there is at least one person that knows me better than anyone else. Someone who knows the inner workings of my mind, from my favorite childhood shows to my childhood trauma.

And i cannot think of anyone better to be that someone but my friend Angela. I am fully convinced that she is my soul sister because we are practically the same person. She gets me like no one does. I feel safe entrusting these information with her because i know that no matter what, she would never judge me. I mean as long as i'm not doing something outright illegal or immoral, then i know she's got my back. I love her to goddamn death.

Of course i couldn't just dump these information to her because she has a busy life of her own and she has things that gets her feeling lonely and sad too. So i thought that i would just dump these essays here and let her read them in her own time and pace. When she wants to, and not because i forced her to. There is nothing more in this world that i hate than feeling like i'm inconveniencing someone. So, Angela, you can totally not read these. Or just go back to them when you can. No pressure at all!

I think I've poured my heart enough for one sitting. I didn't expect this to be this long to be honest. Who knew i had this much to say? Anyway, i really hope that i will be able to keep this tumblr diary thing. I would be pissed at myself if i didn't. Like, really really pissed.

Mami, if you reached this point, THANK YOU! I love you so much!

How I Started Loving Men in Wigs

I witnessed a live drag performance for the first time ever yesterday and it was E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

It was my first time attending a pride-related event and it did NOT disappoint. I had so much fun with Rica and some of my friends from class. We were dancing and singing and just having a great time. I still can't believe i got to see Maxie and all the other amazing queens. I've always loved international drag queens but seeing some local ones, let alone from my own university, i cannot stress enough how incredibly proud i was.

I discovered drag back in 2020 when there was a pandemic going on and i had nothing better to do than scroll thru tiktok. Every now and then i would come across some videos of Trixie and Katya from their show UNHhhh. Back then, i had no idea who they were. I'm aware that they're men dressed as women, of course, but i didn't know that it's called drag and that there is a whole world centered around it. Still, i found myself finishing and liking their videos because they make me laugh and also because i was very attracted to the both of them (i still am!)

One day, i came across this video of Katya and Violet where they were doing a Fashion Photo Ruview of their season 7 sisters. I'm not even joking one bit when i tell you that my heart literally stopped when i saw that video of Violet for the first time. She was wearing this dominatrix leather outfit and she had like a half-up, half-down black wig with styling at the front (i don't know how to fucking describe a wig please spare me) and thought, "Oh my god. I've never seen a more beautiful human being in my life." And when i heard her laugh for the first time in that same video? It was over for me. I was done. She got me from that moment.

Until now, the effect she has on me is insane. She's just so unnaturally beautiful and confident and i fucking love her for it. Her drag aesthetic is IT for me. I was so into her that i made a drag race twitter stan account four years ago because i was going out of my mind keeping my love for her to myself. I think my account lasted for a good couple of months then i had to delete it because she did something stupid and people were hating on her. During that time, i accumulated quite a number of followers and made a couple of hit tweets about Violet making me known as one of the Violet Chacki stan account.

My account was doing so good and i made some drag race friends and i really felt like i was part of a community. But then shit hit the fan and people started accusing her of doing something bad so i decided to just delete it permanently. I'm a libra making me very bad at confrontations and there was no way in hell i'm gonna fight for my life everyday trying to defend her name when she doesn't even know i existed. And i think whatever people were saying about her, some of them was probably true. Because no matter how much i love her and how beautiful she is, she's still just a person. She's still a man.

So i left drag race stan twitter and just focused on other queens that aren't Violet. Mainly, Trixie and Katya. Talking about them and what their friendship means to me will never fail to make me emotional. Their videos are what started this whole thing for me and i cannot be grateful enough that those two white bald men exists. I remember back then, i was going through something rough and the only thing that got me through the day was their UNHhhh and I Like To Watch videos. In the process of getting to know T & K, i also got to know drag race and RuPaul and the thousands of other queens that the show produced. For some people it's reversed. They usually watch drag race first and after watching the queen on the show then they would watch other videos or shows that that queen has been on.

For me though, this might be a controversial take, but i actually don't watch drag race. The competing aspect of it is not for me. I don't like watching them lose and be sent home. It breaks my heart every single time. No matter who the queen is. So what i do instead is that if a queen on the show piqued my interest whether it be because of how she looked or how she performs, etc., then i would search her on youtube and start hyper fixating on her for a couple of weeks like a freaking neurotic. That way, i would actually know what that queen's personality is when there is no pressure of competition. This is just my personal take, everybody's different and me, personally, i don't really appreciate competitive shows.

With that being said, i'm going to confess that i've actually never finished a full season of drag race. I almost did with All Stars 7 but i think i got kinda busy so i just forgot about it. Drag race philippines too but i stopped watching when Brigiding got elimanated because she was my bias and i was rooting for her so hard that i cannot bring myself to watch her leave and not make it to the finale. Almost too with Marina on UK vs the World but again, i never finished it for some reason. I used to be embarrassed about this little fact but i think there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I love these queens because they deserve it and work hard for it. Whether i finished their season on drag race or not doesn't really fucking matter.

I'm thinking of writing more about Trixie and Katya but i think they deserve an essay that is solely about them. They have helped me through so much of my shit in life that i feel like as long as i have them and they exist and they're doing their thing, then i'll be fine. I have never had this kind of attachment to other celebrities and it shows just how much they mean to me.

I want to end this essay by saying that i am very grateful to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I mean yeah the idea of coming out to my parents and my relatives knowing i like women scares the shit out of me not because i'm afraid they're not gonna accept me (well i care about that a little bit) but mainly because i don't want to give them something to talk about. Just imagining them talking shit about me being gay behind my back makes me want to bash my head into the nearest wall.

But experiencing what i experienced yesterday, the solidarity of the queer people in my university, all kinds of people being their most authentic self without giving a single fuck, makes me feel so proud and happy to be a part of it. People can talk about us all they want but at the end of day, we're free. We're not doing anything wrong and we're not afraid to pursue what makes us happy even though in the eyes of many people, it's wrong.

I LOVE BEING QUEER AND I LOVE DRAG QUEENS !!!!

I cannot wait to attend more drag shows in the near future. I'm literally imagining spending my non existent money on buying show tickets and making it rain on the queens. It's my dream.

Again, if you reached this point, i love u!

HAPPY PRIDE : )))))))))