#trls

Chapter LXXIV: Without

//////////////////////////////////////

To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be

////////////////////////////////////////

The spacedock was packed with Hux's stormtroopers as the transport doors opened in front of Ren, their helmets a landscape of white, almost from wall to wall, as if they were in formation for a troop review. They started firing the moment they saw him and if he hadn't put himself at the front of his own company they all would have been cut down in seconds. As it was his mind reached, the Force surging in him as his lightsaber moved blindingly fast, deflecting the first round of blaster bolts just long enough to free a hand so he could reach out at random, grabbing a group of stormtroopers on the right and smashing them into their companions on the left, sweeping across the room so that half of the company was suddenly bowled over by the crush of their fellows. He lost some of his own men in the maneuver, unable to both shield them and use such a punishing Force Push, but it halved the capacity of the enemy to keep firing, allowing him to step forward.

Lives, paid for lives. The way of war. He spared it no attention as he came into melee contact with men who had been his not so long ago, cutting through them. Armor gave way to flesh, both the white and the red matter burned black by his blade. He could only keep moving. He was followed, he felt that much, but by how many he couldn't know, except that Chewie remained close by his left shoulder, his bowcaster flexing, miniature explosions throwing soldiers into the air wherever it was aimed. Rose was somewhere in the very back, also firing, but as covered as she could be. Blaster bolts moved past him in a blur from both in front and behind, and his lightsaber lived with him, drawing on his power freely, the blade sweeping, rising and falling in his hands, biting into the soldiers who had betrayed him.

Rey, he said, again, in his head, as he had so many times before. He couldn't feel her, but she must be here. Rey, an echo of so many lonely nights. They were her lonely nights also. They had called each other's names so many times to the empty stars. But the stars were not empty now.

The Force moved and behind him and to his right he felt the doors on the right side of the spacedock open, heard the battle cries of the Rebels, and continued to angle himself in that direction, pushing the enemy stormtroopers in a circling pattern left. He hadn't been able to give Poe as much room as he would have liked but it didn't seem to deter the Rebels at all, and they were shooting the moment they had enough space to see what they were shooting at. Their blaster bolts joined the fray, the blue bolts of the regular Resistance blasters mixed with the red bolts of the many First Order blasters he'd helped them steal, and together they manuvered their way toward each other. It didn't take long to meet up, and Ren was surprised in a moment of relative calm to recognize Sergeant on his right, firing for all he was worth and making a noticeable dent in the enemy line in front of him.

“Any sign of them?” Poe yelled from somewhere behind Ren as Rose aligned with him, still firing.

“Nothing,” Ren yelled back. Poe shouted a couple of orders and they began to move again, Rebels and red stormtroopers together, pushing to cut off the enemy stormtroopers from their own transport. At least a couple at the back noticed the maneuver and tried to retreat, ducking towards the Lamda's doors, but Chewie ululated what Ren seemed to remember was a very bad word in Wookie, the bowcaster shooting several times in quick succession, and the opening was for a moment lost in smoke and debris as the nearest stormtroopers were hit, their bodies thrown up almost high enough to touch the ceiling before coming back down, limp and lifeless.

“Thanks, Chewie,” Poe said as Ren used the moment of sudden uncertainty he could feel in front of him to push forward, clearing the way further. Rey, he said again in the Force, and felt what he could almost call a response, albeit one he didn't recognize. It was as though something other than her was calling back to him, and he didn't have the time or the mental space to make sense of it as the leading edge of the Rebels finally reached the Lamda's doors and set themselves in perimeter positions in front of it, securing the opening. Poe was first to get there and ducked inside, Rose practically his shadow; there was a quick, sharp burst of blaster fire, then Ren and Chewie joined them, Ren cutting down the last guards who came forward, their bolts unable to touch them.

The Lamda's interior was plush and expensive, a far cry from the cold and industrial spacedock he'd just stepped out of, but no amount of soft lighting or expensive carpet could cushion the blow of what was waiting for him; Rey, unconscious, in the arms of Leia, who was bleeding, and Ammu and Ani, the little boy shaken with silent tears on his cheeks, Ammu favoring a foreleg with a large and oozing burn blistered almost all the way across its joint. The dead stormtroopers all around them, as well as the several broken pairs of stuncuffs on the floor, told the rest of the story as Poe knelt just next to Rey with Rose on the floor on her other side, grabbing a battered medical sensor out of his pocket and hovering the blue light over her face, her chest.

“How is she?” Ren asked, taking off his helmet for the moment, his heart in his throat, his blade slack in his other hand.

“Unconscious, but alright,” Poe said, but Leia was staring straight at him, and only when he raised his eyes to hers did he realize that this was the first time they'd really seen each other up close since he was a boy.

“She's not alright,” Leia said, to him, specifically. “She's fallen.”

For a moment, the word didn't register. For a moment, he didn't understand her meaning. But then he looked at Rey and opened himself to her, truly, fully, in their bond, and what he found there was such a tidal wave of Dark Force energy that it seemed for a moment to wash over him as well, to try and capsize him. He braced himself as if against a Push- it felt so real in his mind that he was almost sure of its physical presence- but the Dark Force within him was joined with it, and so it did nothing to him.

“I don't understand,” he said, stepping toward Rey, but to go to her meant to go to his mother also and he stopped, uncertain. “How did this happen?” Poe and Leia glanced at each other, something unspoken between them, and it twisted itself within Ren with an edge of betrayal that bordered on rage, and that he had to work to push away. “I cannot help her if I do not know,” he pointed out.

“Help her,” Leia demanded. “Why would you want to help her?”

“It was the crystal,” Ammu said before she was done speaking, the shining tears on his green cheeks apparent also in the rough scratch of his voice. “It's in her sword.”

“We're taking her with us,” Leia said, as Ren noticed for the first time a second source of Dark Force energy, focused on an unfamiliar lightsaber hanging from Leia's belt. “We don't need you to save her.” At that even Poe looked at her with a slightly doubtful cast, but Ren ignored all of it, switching off his own lightsaber, returning it to his belt, and centering himself. Beyond the Lambda the battle still raged- at the very edge of his senses, he could feel the Knights had arrived- but there was nothing more important than what was in front of him, as he reached out, closed his eyes and went in to Rey.

“It's not the Dark Force she's fighting,” he said aloud, surprised. Rey and the darkness were one; she worked in it and through it, or rather, it was responding to her will even though she didn't seem to be fully aware of it, focused more on him, on Leia, and on another battle. There was something else in her, a different enemy, and as he found it his eyes snapped open.

“She will not be safe as long as the Dark Force is in her,” Leia said, her face still older than her remembered it, still smaller than he remembered it, but her expression remarkably cold and set in a way he didn't remember at all.

“What have you done?” he murmured, the rage he'd turned away from before coming back within him, building and building. Rey didn't need his help now so he withdrew from her, returning his focus to the battle at his back. The Knights were causing havoc, as was their way, and the combined red stormtroopers and Rebels protecting them at the door were holding steady, but in order for the plan to work they needed to all be off this spacedock within minutes. There was no time for subtlety, and he was in no mood for it. “Tell them,” he said to Leia, gesturing at Poe, at Rose, at Chewie, lingering behind him and to the side, watching. “Tell them what you've given her.”

“A sedative,” she said coolly.

“What kind of sedative?” She said nothing, so he repeated, “What kind of sedative, mother?” The word hit between them like a challenge, a bitter demand, and when she pursed her lips, her eyes still on him, and said nothing, he did it for her. “She dosed Rey with SLV-16. It sedates, because it forces the will of the user onto the victim. Rey is helpless to do anything other than what she is told while it's in her.”

“If she can be contained, she can be helped,” Leia insisted.

“It's mind control?” Rose demanded, looking at Ren, her expression all astonishment and horror.

“Reductive, but essentially, yes. A Sith weapon,” he said humorlessly, donning his helmet.

“The darkness is not forever, Ben,” Leia insisted, the slightest blush of humanity finally showing in her expression, but for him, not for Rey. “Anything that is lost can be found.”

“The Dark Force does not take your will from you, mother. Only people do that.” He looked away from her finally, back at Rey's face, now turned toward him, her eyes open, and held out his hand.

Chapter LVIII: An Unexpected Surrender ////////////////////////////////////// To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be ////////////////////////////////////////

The darkness within the furnace was very nearly welcome, very nearly a respite, after Rey's conversation with Ammu. She sat in midair as the heating coils hummed around her, trying not to think about it, knowing she would regardless. First the tension with Leia, now this inexplicable connection between Ben and Ammu? Rey would have to be extra careful to keep her relationships with Ani and R2-D2 as sane as possible, or else the third moon of Lok might well crumble around her ears!

And, of course, her relationship with the Kyber crystal, if that was what she could call it. The crystal floated between her hands, as uneffected by the super-heated air as ever. She'd opened herself to the Force as much as she could, still worried that too much of a connection might betray to Leia what was happening, the spiraling within Rey as she pushed harder and harder, the fracturing she could neither contain nor resist. Whatever that weak place was within her she was prying it open bit by bit, and she returned to the exercise now, splitting the pressure between the crystal and herself. Sweat ran down her back and sides as she began, in the creases of her knees, sticking her hair to her neck and forehead, evaporating in the heat the moment it left her body and the protective cocoon of Force energy, no longer a bubble but wrapped skin tight around her now. She was destabilizing further, faster, but the crystal was responding, inevitably drawn to her pain every time like oil rising to the surface of water. It was relenting, she was sure, slowly, but real and there nonetheless.

As the crystal reached Rey did as well, carefully, with as much focus as she could spare, moving within it, in the darkness that had become a part of it, unraveling blindly like it was a tight, strangling knot, a knot that cut her repeatedly as she tried to pull it apart. The crystal was slow to retreat into itself, slower and slower each time, but still withdrew, sluggish and unwilling as her pain called and called and called to it. She pushed in every direction she could to try and bog down the process even further- within, without, within again- but finally it returned to itself again and the opening she'd slipped through shut. She relaxed, letting her focus expand again. At least she no longer had to smash against it, now that it stayed exposed long enough for her to try something else. Now they were both within each other, both still on the attack, and it remained a matter of seeing if Rey could heal faster than it could succeed in finishing what she herself had started, getting too far inside her for the damage to ever be undone.

The darkness in her was growing. Her feelings weren't always hers; some were twisted by the crystal's Dark influence, and others came from the shadowy place in between it and her, where she couldn't always tell the difference anymore. And it wasn't just feelings she had to wary of; more than once now the crystal had gotten inside her long enough to move Rey's body of its own accord, raising a hand, creasing a brow, driving towards a longing she could sense within it to open or otherwise sabotage the furnace. Twice Rey had emerged from their contest only to realize the crystal had moved through her power in the Force, once dialing down the heat of the apparatus, once turning it off altogether. It had scared her; it had scared her to death, to be controlled like that, manipulated like that, and the crystal preyed on the fear too, working to destabilize, to corrode. How much worse, this form of having something inside her. She tried to examine it rationally, tried to accept it, as much as she could. Ben had been inside her, and Snoke after him, and even Maz had seemed to sense some of her thoughts, but all of that both good and bad paled in comparison to this feeling. It was many, many times worse, as many times as all the stars in the galaxy, as many times as all the breaths she'd ever breathed. As many times as there were galaxies between her and Ben now.

Ben, she thought, automatically, helplessly, as she pushed at her wound again, reached for the crystal again. She'd thought his name so often, pushing it into the universe, and even that the crystal was trying to poison, that want, that need, which was a mistake on its part. If there was one thing Rey would resist being turned and twisted by the Dark it was her thoughts about him, her grip on their connection, increasingly viselike, increasingly desperate as the crystal whispered to her, singing in the Force of its own nature and where that nature had come from. That this was the same Dark that Ben drew on. That there was something just as poisonous in him also, something in his basic nature that would also work it's way into her, warping as it went.

Ben. Ben. She needed him, needed to hear his voice, needed him to explain again, to show her the difference, between himself and this feeling, between himself and this hurt. She sat in the dark, sweating, hurting, scared, pretending not to be, knowing she could only pretend for so long. How lonely, the crystal would press on her-- or maybe it was one of Rey's own thoughts, or one of the shadow thoughts in between. How lonely she was, and always had been. He was far, so very far, and there was no guarantee he'd return. That memory that had come to her while she'd been with Ammu ached in her, that little girl on Jakku, waiting, believing, hopelessly, pointlessly. Others had said they would return and hadn't, the shadow thoughts were quick to remind her. The universe was full of people who'd said they would return and hadn't. There was so much already between them, pulling them apart from each other, and she'd been so weak and unable to fight back the way he had. He'd seen that already. He'd seen it so clearly the last time he'd come to her, so clearly it had made him angry with her, and Ben was so rarely truly angry with her.

She tightened her grip on the crystal, transferring it to her palms, needing the contact and the rough edges of its irregular shape biting into her already damaged skin. Elsewhere a prickling, searing sensation bit into her too, across her shoulders especially. She was already weak, and the crystal was still fighting, and there was no way to know how much healing she had left. If there wasn't a wound in her yet surely there would be by the end of this? And no matter how much strength she had left then, no matter how much fight, wouldn't that destroy her? And if it destroyed her, and she was so closely linked with Ben, wouldn't that destroy him?

“No,” she breathed aloud, refusing, resisting, the thought of Ben without her, left alone, left behind. What if she was the one who didn't come back the way they'd said they would? How much worse to suffer this form of abandonment, when not just a person but a part of your mind and thoughts and feelings were drained away, forever?

It was too much. She severed the connection abruptly, pulling herself back out of the crystal with so little forethought that it felt almost like pulling flesh from flesh, a sharp, sudden, primal pain that receded almost immediately but not before she'd let out a short, strained cry. The sensation of damage remained and she had to retreat further than ever before, pulling away from the Force, narrowing the connection again, then again, until the feeling eased purely because there wasn't much to feel at all anymore. It was an effort even to reach out in her mind and work the mechanism that kept the door shut, and she all but tumbled out the moment a patch of clear sand was visible, narrowly avoiding burning herself on the door's hot metal as it swung out of the way.

Her shoulder impacted the sand hard and she bit back another cry as the coarse sensation against her skin confirmed that yes, she was burned worse this time than ever before. It was like being stung all over and she tried to get into a kneeling position but was so dizzy from pain and fatigue that she reeled, landing on her other shoulder. A shadow crossed over her in the dim under-crust light and Leia's voice cut through the buzzing in her mind.

“Rey? What happened?!”

Rey shook her head, trying to draw in deep breaths as she pushed herself to kneel and this time succeeded. Again, she hadn't had any idea Leia was nearby, just like with Ammu before. Now, like this, she could barely feel Leia even as Leia reached out as if to help but hesitated, not knowing where it was safe to touch.

“I'm fine,” Rey managed to gasp, shaking her head a little, trying to clear it. “Lost focus for a minute at the end.”

“Rey--.”

“I'm nearly there,” she insisted, tilting her head back to look at the underside of the crust as a wind up above whistled through the natural stone pipes, a breathy, high-pitched chorus, wandering over them then away. It was so alien and, in its way, so beautiful. The universe had so much wonder in it still to give, so much that was amazing and special that every being could share. There was plenty of life left beyond a connection to the Force. There was life for her no matter what happened, even if it was a little smaller in some ways than the one she'd thought she would have.

“Rey,” Leia said again, and Rey tilted her head back down to see that Leia had joined her, kneeling in the sand and looking at Rey's hands. “Let me see it.” Rey looked down too and only then realized she was still gripping the crystal tightly. It took an effort to unclench her fingers, letting the little red stone roll loose into her lap. Leia scooped it up, examining it.

“It looks no different than before,” she observed in a very poor imitation of a neutral tone. “And it feels no different.”

“It's different on the inside,” Rey murmured, stretching her fingers. They felt sore and stiff, but then all of her felt sore and stiff.

“And what about you?” Leia asked quietly. “Are you different on the inside?”

“No.” And she wasn't-- not different, really, but more like less. Less and less and less, every time she left the furnace now. “I want Ben,” Rey said without meaning to, the words slipping out like she was still the child she'd been remembering as she tilted her head back again, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. “I want Ben so much.” I can't do this on my own, she just managed not to say out loud, sure that the sound of it would break her in some way, break her further, break her more. I don't WANT to do this on my own.

Leia didn't respond to that for a long moment and eventually Rey fought back the tears and looked down at her knees, at the sand, anywhere but at her. When she finally did say something it sounded a little tight, strained, even, as though she had physical difficulty saying it at all.

“Could you- do you think he would accept it, if you wanted to- to talk, to him?” Rey glanced up at her, surprised, but Leia's expression was as immobile as durasteel, completely unreadable. “Maybe,” Rey allowed. Inside herself, even through the heavily throttled connection, she did think she still had more of a sense of Ben than most any other thing, but not nearly enough now to tell if he wanted the connection or not. That was hard even at full strength.

“You mentioned before that if you were to discuss... the things you're struggling with,” Leia continued, her eyes cutting meaningfully between the furnace and Rey's shoulders, the burns cracked and leaking clear fluid that she could feel staining her tunic, “he might know something he'd be willing to share with you.”

Rey stared for a moment, still dizzy with pain and with everything, trying to parse through this suggestion. “You want me to ask him for help?” she tried at last, sounding it out as though the words might be jumbled somehow even though they seemed to be in the right order.

“If he knows something-- Rey, this can't go on,” Leia said gently but firmly, gesturing first to Rey's shoulders, then to the rest of her. “I can't see this go on. I don't want to. Whatever's driving you, you're hurting yourself, and I can't help but feel it whether you're trying to prevent me feeling it or not. Even Ammu and Ani are on edge day in day out just being near you.”

She thought Ammu was pulling away because of Rey. Rey shook that off for the moment, concentrating on the rest of it. “What if he doesn't know another way?”

“Then we have to stop,” Leia all but commanded, frowning fiercely. “For now, at the very least. I know it's the last thing you want, Rey,” she continued as though she could sense the arguments Rey was trying to come up with, glancing at the completely unaltered Kyber crystal, “I know you feel as though you're close, but I'd rather have you with us as you are. Your strength and spirit are in more than just your ability to wield a lightsaber, Rey-- and I think you'll fight just fine on your own.”

But not if she was going to fight with Ben. Or against Ben, even. That was the issue. Even if she stayed airborne, in an X-wing or an A-wing, to maximize her abilities that way- whatever she could still reach of her abilities, assuming she stopped here- she wasn't anywhere near what Ben could do. Would do. Had done. He'd saved her life on that planet, he'd saved her friends, he'd saved the entire Resistance very nearly by happenstance, by little more than chance. And what had Rey done? Apart from the trick with the lightning, another accident, one she'd never be able to replicate, what had she done on that planet? Gotten off a few good shots. And that was it.

“We all share the weight of the galaxy, Rey,” Leia said when Rey stayed silent. “We all feel as though we have to do everything we can or even the stars will collapse around our ears. But hope goes on. And you can trust it. You can trust it to see things through even when you feel like you can't.”

“I know,” Rey murmured, even though she was certain she didn't know anything like it, “but I'd rather try everything I can first. Before I have to feel my way forward with hope.”

“You have,” Leia sighed, expression downcast, looking older than Rey had ever seen her look before. “With what we have and what we know now, you can't do this. But if you think there is a chance my son knows something... we should find out if that's true.”

“I'll try,” Rey promised, imagining what that might look like if it actually did work, if somehow, some way, she could still get through to Ben. Of course he could apparently talk directly to Ammu now, so at least that was an indication that he was still more than strong enough on his end, but then what happened next? She could hide things from Leia, or at least partially, but did she have any chance at all of hiding them from Ben?

“Let's fix you up first,” Leia said, standing to her feet and offering Rey a hand up. “I can't even look at your shoulders without wincing.”

////////////////////////////// Chapter LIX: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/644240328471232512/the-rebels-last-stand ///////////////////////////////

How bad is it when Leia is willing to give Rey temporary permission to talk to Ben?  And about top secret Resistance intel, as well!

My Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/how_do_i_turn_this_thing_off

Chapter LIV: The Return of Kylo Ren

//////////////////////////////////////

To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be ////////////////////////////////////////     Somehow getting out of the air shaft was more difficult than getting in had been, and Ren couldn't tell if it was because he was that much more tired or merely no longer in immediate danger.  It had been a little while since he'd expended a significant amount of strength in the Force and doing so now made him feel imperceptibly more sluggish than it should, slightly shakier than he would have expected.  He made a mental note of the difference, resolving to practice the forms he was always reminding Rey of a little more himself, and expended another small Force push that allowed him to drop down onto the lid of the refresher.  He tried to do it quietly, aware of the droid in the next room as he replaced the overlarge filter in its position disguising the much narrower intake.  When he was in charge of this place he'd be having a stern word with maintenance about that.   The MB unit was in B Barracks where it had been left, facing toward the doors leading to the outer perimeter and the wall, but it swiveled its slightly pointed top-like dome towards him as he approached, uncovering his face with one hand while keeping the other free next to its corresponding blaster holster just in case.

  “Do you know who I am?” Ren asked the droid as its main lens took him in, flicking back and forth between red and white, processing. After a moment it turned its body all the way around to face him and whistled in a respectful way.  Ren relaxed, letting go of the portion of the Force he'd called up to blast its main power circuit just in case; his droid might not be perfect but he could still recognize his proper title when he heard it.

   “What's your designation?” he asked, closing the rest of the gap between them and kneeling down to check the droid's serial.  “MB-30?”  The droid whistled an affirmative.  “Alright, MB-30, I need you to do a few things for me,” Ren decided, standing to his feet.  The droids' second acknowledgment was noticeably perkier and Ren found himself wondering if the MB units had been modeled maybe a little too closely after the old R2 line.  Certainly R2-D2 had never met a bit of trouble he couldn't get himself into, but considering that gave Ren an idea. 

  “How many MB's are there in the Base?” he asked.  MB-30 replied that there were at least a dozen.

   “And the nearest powerbank?” Ren asked, looking toward the door to B Barracks. MB-30 replied that it was exactly where he'd expected it to be, two corridors down at the base of the main Command liftbank.  “I need you to get there and relay my orders to the other MB's.”

  MB-30 acknowledged this with an excited back-and-forth tilting motion on his hydropins, clearly only waiting for orders.  Ren considered for a moment, trying to remember exactly how long it had been since Finn said the militia group waiting outside needed another forty minutes before beginning their attack.  Ten minutes, maybe.  So he needed a distraction long enough to bridge that gap that would yield maximum output, but minimum damage.  Chaos, rather than carnage.  “I need some lines cut within the Base,” he decided out loud, running through different operating systems in his mind.  “Temporarily disable all automated defense systems, especially anything mounted on the external wall.  Also blast doors, remote monitoring, and any defense support aerials.”  Not all of which might actually be in place, considering how remote Henchbrao was and how little the Base's capabilities had been able to deter him, but it was worth listing just in case.  “Basic power grid lines,” Ren continued, “and lines of any connected docks.  I don't want anything taking off for a while.  Cut comms, nothing outgoing.  Leave light and sound alarm systems.  Ignore any order to bring systems back online that doesn't come from me.  Get all that?” he asked looking at the droid.

  MB-30 was silent for a brief moment, processing, then beeped a respectful query.  “Only shut off generators if you have to, but don't infringe on the main power core,” Ren replied.  “We need to bring everything back up as soon as possible at a moment's notice. Tell the other MB's to carry out the order twenty-five minutes from now.  And open the main gate,” he added, his tone somewhat more grim.  He hated to do it even now but it was necessary for the move to be decisive, and at this point he couldn't afford anything less.

  MB beeped an affirmative and rolled out to make sure everything went according to plan.  Ren followed once MB was gone, settling down to wait in the entryway between barracks on the off chance that a random sweep would come through from either side that he would have to respond to.

   Twenty minutes before he would have to act; before he would have to instigate an attack, on his orders, against his own Order.  He closed his eyes for a moment, brushing his hair off his forehead, his fingers coming away slightly damp with sweat. This was exactly the quiet interim moment he hadn't been looking forward to, the minutes before the action when the last thing he wanted to do was think but thinking was the only thing available to him.

   War was coming.  Real war, not just the hit-and-run skirmishes with the Resistance.  They could field maybe a couple hundred at a time, while the First Order had thousands.  He let out a quiet breath, tilting back his head then stretching out his neck, his shoulders, his back.  War in some capacity had been his life from the moment Luke had raised a saber to him.  He'd believed at some point that a short period of calculated brutality would bring every remaining world under the power of the First Order and that would end all of it.  What his role would be then, he'd never given much thought.  Snoke's enforcer, probably, sent out to system after system to cut down any challengers.  That wouldn't have been much of a fight.  He would have been an executioner more than anything.

  Now he was himself Supreme Leader- or at least, would be again very soon- and had anything really changed at all?  If anything this factionalism would make things worse.

   And Rey.  He stood, discarding the sand-colored robes that had hidden him before, leaving them in a heap on the floor.  Rey was no one's executioner, that he knew.  She would not accept being the Kylo Ren to his Snoke.  In some ways making her promise to join the First Order now, the way it was, could prove to be more dangerous than leaving her to her own devices.  One misstep on his part and he might make her his enemy all over again.  But for now he hadn't been able to come up with any better plan, and he already worried he was out of time.  That earlier Force bond had not been promising, and if he was going to get to Rey while he still had any chance of convincing her to come with him he needed it to be soon.  Taking one Base and one embargo fleet wasn't an issue but there were many, many more Bases and fleets to come.  He didn't dare fail.  The Resistance had tolerated him once, and briefly; they wouldn't do so again.

   Above his head the barracks’ lighting panels set into the ceiling flickered once, then twice, then went out completely.  Ren called his saber to his hand, waiting expectantly facing the door leading into C Barracks from the main base as the emergency wall-mounted lighting strips flared red and yellow and an alarm began to sound.  The patrol that should have been in holding position here should now be on their way back, but after several protracted moments of listening to the siren wailing on his own Ren decided either their dinner really did mean more to them than their duty or  they had been manually diverted elsewhere.  In the Force the corridor didn't feel too busy, and the attack at the gate should draw many more stormtroopers off as they realized what was happening.  He put a hand to his ear, checking his comms, but all he got was flat static.  If the MB's had done their job- and it very much appeared as though they had- there would be no outgoing messages at all, and he couldn't ask for a better opportunity than that.  He crossed to the door then hesitated before also discarding his blaster belt.  He didn't need it.  It was as much a part of his disguise as the clothing had been.

   The corridor was also lit red and yellow, a haze of vaporized coolant creeping across the floor like heavy mist, suffusing everything else in an odd, dreamlike haze.  Ren didn't remember giving an order to cut the cooling units too but apparently the MB's had seen fit to do so anyway, proof positive that yes, they were modeled a little too closely after the R2 line after all.  Then a patrol of four rounded the corner at a run heading his way and he fired his lightsaber.  In a way it was a relief.  The answering blaster bolts, the swell of the Force within him and around him as he moved, cutting the first set of bolts down, deflecting the second set back at his opposition.  The simplicity of the fight as they stumbled, confused, as they realized, but the barrels of their blasters stayed up and he used a Force push from his free hand to throw them back. More came up the corridor behind them and he had to use his saber blade again and again, against ten opponents, against twenty, the confusion prohibiting any thought from them of surrender as they took up defensive positions against him automatically.  Even so it didn't take too long to reach the powerbank where MB-30 was waiting, multi-tool plugged into the system, wreaking havoc.  Ren stood between the droid and the troopers closing in on them both, at least thirty or more now, his saber a whirl and his mind, for once, blessedly distraction-free.  He gathered the Force in another punishing push, feeling it siphon away a little more power as he swept it sideways, following the blazing path of his lightsaber, knocking the first two ranks of stormtroopers off their feet.

  “Enough!” Ren snapped above the clatter as they fell, standing firm and holding up a warning hand.  The stormtroopers that still could were forming up, their blasters brought to bear on him, but finally no one fired.  “Lower your weapons,” he ordered, holding the lightsaber out on display at his side, the red blade painting all the vapor around it a glowing red as well, as though they could have missed it either way.

   “Supreme Leader?” one of the soldiers at the front asked tentatively, his barrel dipping slightly but his blaster still essentially up.

   “I don't like having to repeat myself,” Ren said coolly, wondering what lies, exactly, the plane-bound First Order had been fed.  The same Hux had told the fleet, that he'd defected to the Resistance?  Some other new nonsense?  It turned out not to matter.  Faced with the very real, physical being of the Supreme Leader before them one by one the barrels dropped, then the stormtroopers, as though suddenly remembering themselves, went down on one knee, their helmets angled towards the floor.

   “Forgive us, Supreme Leader!” a stormtrooper displaying a captain's badge bleated.  “Forgive us!  We-- we were not expecting you.”

   “That is evident,” Ren said sarcastically, sweeping the area in the Force.  There were other soldiers nearby, but none immediately on their way here.  He pointed his blade at the captain.  “Report.”

   “Sir!” she acknowledged crisply, jumping back to her feet.  “That is-- the base is under attack, sir.”

   Ren genuinely had to pause for a moment before replying, summoning what little patience he had available to him.  “I had noticed that,” he pointed out, resisting the urge to gesture to the chaos all around them.  “Report on conditions otherwise.”

   “Con- conditions?”

   “I assume you've received some interesting news from General Hux.”

  Even under her armor Ren could see the trooper swallow hard. “Yes, sir.”

   “I have not been in communication with the First Order in some time.  I would like to know what that news was.”

  “The Su-- the General, sir, said that the former Supreme Leader- that is, yourself, sir- was, well, a traitor, and dead.  Sir.”

 A traitor AND dead.  That was a bit hasty of him.  Ren took in the news for a moment, unable to help an unexpected flush of dark humor as he remembered how very long he'd been considered dead by the Resistance in much the same way.  It had been convenient for others to call him dead long before today.  “I do not feel dead,” Ren commented a little more lightly than he'd meant to, then remembered himself.  “How did I die?” he asked, glancing back at the captain.

   “The Resistance executed you, sir.  General Hux communicated that you'd been tricked into joining up with them under false pretenses.  But it was a trap and they shot you, sir.”

  Insulting.  Extremely insulting.  How many Rebels would it take to successfully shoot him to death?  More than they had now, he was all but certain, though Rey, Poe, and Finn together might be able to get the job done if Rose succeeded in destroying his lightsaber beforehand, as she'd once threatened to do.  “That did not happen,” Ren informed them, gesturing for them to rise back to their feet.  “I did not join the Resistance, and they obviously didn't kill me. General Hux has decided to that it's time he took control of the First Order for himself, as evidenced by the fact that he's declared himself Supreme Leader, hasn't he?”

   “Yes, sir,” the captain agreed, seeming very relieved that Ren was taking the news so well.

   “It was unwise.  Four of you will accompany me to Command,” he ordered, sheathing his lightsaber blade and turning back to the control panel.  “We'll see which way this base will go.”

   “With you, sir,” the captain replied, motioning for three others to form up with her.  “With you, of course.”

  “Good,” Ren commented, resisting the urge to add a self-indulgent bit about how once again the value of true military discipline had been demonstrated.  He himself could do with some discipline, he realized.  Joking asides, while common in the Rebel ranks, were not actually encouraged among well-trained soldiers.

   “Thank you, MB-30,” he commented to the droid who still waited by the powerbank, multi-tool engaged.  “Good work.  Restore power to this liftbank.”  The droid beeped an affirmative and a moment later the doors to the nearest lift, which had been opening and closing on a continuous loop, opened and stayed that way.  “Send it up to Headquarters,” Ren ordered, entering the lift with the four stormtroopers close behind him, their captain taking up support position at his left shoulder.  “Just this one.  Keep all the others grounded.”  MB-30 acknowledged, the doors closed, and as the emergency lights continued to shine yellow and red around them the lift began its slow ascent. /////////////////////////////////// Chapter LV: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/620775362364932096/the-rebels-last-stand ////////////////////////////////////

A/N:  Sometimes as an author you know in your head what you want to write and a general outline of how things need to go, but when you’re facing down the concept of writing an ACTUAL WAR you kind of wonder where, exactly, all that blind self-confidence originally came from  My Ao3, and all my Reylo stuff:

Chapter LI: An argument, the crystal, and the wound ///////////////////////// To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be //////////////////////////////// “You felt him.”

It was a statement rather than a question. By the time Rey returned to camp she wasn't surprised to see Leia sitting up on her cot waiting for her; what was a surprise was that Ammu and Ani had been drawn out of the Falcon and were waiting too, Ammu sitting next to Leia, Ani sitting next to him, grown tall enough that his head was level with Ammu's even so. Rey couldn't guess how much of Ben's visit the youngling and his akk dog might have been able to feel, exactly, but Leia, a much older and more experienced Force user, had probably been able to divine the broad nature of their conversation.

It was a good thing the lamps Leia had turned on were fairly dim, because Rey's cheeks and the back of her neck felt hotter than they usually did.

“He was here,” Ammu murmured as Rey stopped just within the circle of light, looking past her as though expecting to see Ben also step forward out of the dark, crouching slightly against Leia's side.

“He was with you.”

“He was,” Rey agreed, setting her staff aside and sitting down on her own cot, suddenly tired as she hadn't seemed to be able to be at all when she'd left. “Now he's gone. It was just a Force vision, Ammu.”

“I'd say it was a bit more than that, Rey,” Leia contradicted, her expression drawn and a little forbidding. “What did he want?”

“Nothing, specifically. We didn't do it on purpose.”

“What did he find out?”

“Nothing,” Rey insisted a little more strongly, trying to resist the rising irritation she felt trying to color the words with a harsher tone. “He saw the burns on my shoulders but he assumed I'd been fighting.”

“He's coming for me,” Ammu said, his green face a slightly paler, more sickly yellow-green than the rest of him as Ani nudged in closer to his side, rubbing his armored head and shoulder against Ammu in a comforting way. “He wants to take me away.”

“No one is going to take you anywhere, Ammu,” Leia said, reaching across the cot to hug him, her frown equal parts anxiety and defiance. “That was a long time ago and it's never going to happen again. The Resistance will take care of you.” She meant well and in the Force Rey could feel Leia's determination and sincerity but Ammu was already too distracted by his own fear for it to reach him. If anything his uncertainty was increased, and he pushed away from Leia and fled in the direction of the Millennium Falcon, Ani in hot pursuit.

“I can't say I feel much better than Ammu about this, Rey,” Leia said, standing, and for the first time Rey caught sight of the belt Leia had strapped around her hips, twin blasters holstered on each side, definitely something she hadn't been wearing when Rey had left and Leia had been asleep. “It was all I could do not to come interrupt you two when I realized he was here.”

“Why didn't you?” Rey challenged, also standing, her staff in her hand even though she clearly remembered having put it down. Now she couldn't recall when or how she'd picked it back up but she couldn't deny that she was glad of the solidness, the familiarity of it, and also couldn't deny that she didn't mind Leia's somewhat alarmed glance at it as much as she probably should have.

“What are you doing, Rey?” Leia asked, her voice softer, almost cautious.

“I'm asking you why you didn't come stop us. If you hate him so much, and hate having him here so much, and hate us talking to each other, then why not come shoot at him instead.”

“I think we both know that you were doing a bit more than talking to each other.”

“Good,” Rey snarled, surprising them both again, her grip on her staff tightening as she pressed on. “I'm glad you know that I kissed him. I'm glad you know that he kissed me, too. We want each other. And I don't know if you can shoot him through the bond while he's here, but you can't shoot THAT.”

“Rey, this isn't you,” Leia cautioned, her eyes shadowed with concern but one of her hands drifting down to its corresponding blaster. “Your feeling in the Force-- it's unbalanced.”

“I don't care if it is,” Rey declared, feeling else flicker in her at the same time, some doubt. What was happening? What was she doing? But just as quickly she recovered her surety, remembering that it was justified in a way it wouldn't have been otherwise, because it was on Ben's behalf. “I'm protecting him.”

“He's not here anymore, Rey.”

“I'm protecting him from how much you hate him.”

“I don't hate him,” Leia protested, a flash of shock and hurt going through her in the Force. “You know that I don't hate Ben. Rey, calm down.”

“I know,” Rey acknowledged after a moment, trying to think, but whatever tight feeling was in her wouldn't be sated, wouldn't go away. “I know that.”

“Rey...” Leia hesitated, looking her over, reaching for in the Force, a probe Rey wanted to slap away and just barely managed not to. “Do you have the Sith crystal with you?”

She did. Of course she did. Rey looked down at the pouch at her waist, realization finally surfacing through her hurt, her anger, her wrath, and flipped it open. A red light was burning inside, the crystal at the center of it, a light she could feel in the Force now that she was aware of it, Dark in both its nature and intent.

“Give it to me,” Leia said, snapping Rey out of her reverie, and she realized she'd been staring into the light of the crystal as though fascinated, or entranced. She looked up and saw Leia standing only a couple steps from her but couldn't remember hearing or feeling her move. “Rey, give me the crystal.”

“I want to,” Rey explained, to excuse why she somehow couldn't seem to do it. Her hands stayed at her sides, and her crystal stayed where it was, shining in her pouch. No, not her crystal, the crystal. The crystal Leia wanted.

“You don't have to touch it,” Leia said, taking another step closer. Rey fought down a sudden urge to raise her staff, to block Leia's approach, a nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach. “Just take off the pouch, if you want to. Just take off the whole belt.”

Yes. That was a good idea. That was a good plan. Rey looked down at the pouch again, intending to do it, but didn't. Her head was swimming and her hands felt like lead, weighted down.

Rey. The word was projected into her head in Leia's voice. She looked up again but Leia hadn't come any nearer, still staying a step back, but one of her blasters was now unholstered and held down at her side. Take off the belt.

She should. She would. Rey frowned, keeping her eyes on Leia as she reached around with one had to the belt buckle. It was easier to do when she wasn't looking down, somehow, but she needed to use both hands to work the buckle's clasp and she didn't want to put down her staff.

“Could you take the staff? Please,” she asked Leia, not able to hold it out to her but able at least to loosen her fingers around it, to make it easier to take away. Leia hesitated, examining Rey, then reached out in the Force instead of physically, drawing the staff to her free hand. It went easily enough and Rey breathed a sigh of relief, putting her other hand to the belt buckle. She wanted to close her eyes to undo it so she could focus better but that seemed dangerous somehow so she kept them open, working the buckle by feel as the belt loosened. She let go and the belt fell away, the pouch going with it. As it hit the sand the crystal rolled out into the open and the strong red light it was emitting winked once, faded, and was gone.

Rey's knees hit the sand before she realized she was collapsing then she fell backwards, landing in the sand just like the crystal had, staring at the edge of the tent and beyond it the underside of this planet's crust, lost in the dark shadows of nighttime. Her chest was heaving as though she'd been running and something hurt inside her, something angry and unstable, wrenched to the side as if something else had tried to pry it free.

“Rey!” Leia exclaimed, and then she was there next to her, grabbing her hand, reaching for her in the Force. It felt odd, as though Leia could use the Force but somehow Rey could not, her own ability stripped from her, leaving her cold and a little empty. “Rey! Can you hear me?”

“Yes,” Rey choked out, realizing some of the sand had gotten in her throat somehow. She turned to the side, coughing again then clearing her throat twice, leaning over and spitting out the dust and grit.

“Are you alright?” Leia asked, her hand on Rey's shoulder, steadying her.

“I'm not sure,” Rey admitted. She didn't feel alright. She felt hollowed out, and at the center of her that greater instability remained. “I think... I think the crystal attacked me.” They both turned and stared at the crystal where it lay a few feet from them, as lifeless as any other polished, sparkly rock.

“This is my fault,” Leia said after a long moment, turning back to Rey and helping her sit up. “We should have taken more time to look for an unrefined Kyber crystal, instead of bringing this one to you, especially when you already might be wounded yourself.”

“We didn't have time,” Rey disagreed, wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand. “We still don't.”

“We can't keep trying with this one,” Leia insisted, turning Rey towards her so she could look her in the eyes. “Rey, I don't know what it might have done or tried to do to you but it scared me to see it, nevermind what it must have felt like to you. Whatever it was we can't risk that happening ever again.”

“We can. We have to. I know how to, now,” she added, glancing at the crystal. “Or I'm closer. When it was... effecting me I could see inside it. I could feel it, in a way I couldn't before.” She glanced at Leia, smiling. “I think I know how to get inside it, too. And if I can do that, I can fix it.”

“But Rey, what if it hurts you?”

“It might,” Rey confessed, getting to her feet then helping Leia up too, dusting sand off her clothes. “But I think I can get to it first.”

“And if you're wrong?”

“Let's hope I'm not,” she said, bending down and scooping up the crystal. It was hard to do without flinching, without jerking her fingers away at the last moment, but the crystal was cool to the touch and seemed utterly normal once again. Rey turned and saw Leia examining her, looking no less worried than before.

“I have to, if I want to be as good as him,” she said, voicing aloud what she was sure they were both thinking. “Without a lightsaber I can't match Ben, whether I'm wounded or not. And if I end up staying with the Resistance we might end up fighting again, and I'll need to hold him off. I hope we don't,” she added, crossing to the duracrete case and dropping the crystal inside before closing the lid. “I don't want to fight him and I don't think he wants to fight me either. Not for real. But if he's the First Order's Force user, and I'm the Force user for the Resistance, I need this blade. I need to make this work.”

“Could you fight him?” Leia asked, in a tone that almost made Rey wonder which answer Leia was hoping for. “Could you fight him really, if you had to?”

“I... I don't think I could hurt him again,” Rey confessed, her hands still on the duracrete case as she tried to imagine it, facing off against Ben after everything. “I could hold him off, or distract him, but I don't want to wound or kill him. Sometimes I wish I'd known him better, than night on Starkiller,” she confessed, glancing at Leia. “Other times I'm glad I didn't, because if I hadn't hurt him enough to knock him down we might not have gotten away. I don't know.”

Chapter XXXIX: A wound in Rose

////////////////////////////////

To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be

////////////////////////////////

   “So, you don't have a plan,” Finn summarized, his expression pure, almost aggrieved disbelief.

   “Infiltrate, isolate the officers, give them a chance to decide whose side they're on,” Ren replied, unamused.  “It's the obvious course of action.”

   “Right.  It's obvious, but you don't actually know how we're going to do it.  Which would usually be the plan part.”

   “I thought you volunteered for this?”

   “I was ASSIGNED to the trip,” Finn corrected.  “I VOLUNTEERED to help you see it through, and part of the reason is because I kind of assumed that was something you'd thought of.”

  “The Otomok System isn't that complex,” Rose interjected. “It's remote, and the only people living there are almost all miners, but it's been under First Order blockade for years so there's no one in or out unless they've got clearance.”

   “Do you have clearance?” Finn demanded, looking at Ren.

   “I don't know,” he had to admit.  “Probably not anymore.”

   “Great. That's great.  So not only do you not have a plan for WHEN we get to the planet, you also don't have a plan for HOW we get to the planet.”

  Chewie called back over his shoulder into the cramped crew quarters to the effect that Poe had thought of that, and that's why he'd given them the ship they were on.  “Well if the Ghost can get through that's half the job done,” Ren replied, privately not sure whether or not he'd really consider it a good thing overall if a First Order blockade could be that easily subverted.  “We have an auxiliary craft we might be able to use as a decoy, if things go south.”

   “A decoy manned by who?” Finn asked suspiciously.

   “Me.  Any of you would die.”

   “But you'll be fine.”

   “I'll have the greatest chance of being fine,” Ren said, refusing to be sidelined by the pronounced doubt in Finn's tone, turning to Rose.  “I need to know everything you can tell me about Otomok.  I have basic base schematics and a skeleton outline of the officers stationed there, but any information about the area around the base, nearby settlements, any civilians who go in and out, would be invaluable.”    “Well, the base on Hays Major was a lot bigger and more complicated than the base I knew on Hays Minor, I think, but they're still there mostly for ore mining and that's what my family does- did- so I might be able to help with that if we can figure out how the First Order and the mines nearby work together.”

   “You're from Hays Minor?” Ren questioned, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't have ignored if he wanted to.    “Yes,” Rose said, meeting his eyes then looking away.

   “But it's still worth it to get her perspective on the system,” Finn said, clearly not picking up on the sudden tension in the room. “It's only one planet over, right?  And maybe that's our in-- from the mine side, rather than trying to get in to the base directly.”   “It could be,” Ren agreed, making himself look away as he pulled out his holocron.  “This is the information I have; I'll upload it to your datascreens.  I also have some basic maps of the planet's surface but they don't cover the mine or anything beneath the crust.”    “This means more tunnels, doesn't it?” Finn moaned, but he pulled out his datascreen just the same.  Ren made himself open the relevant information, made himself continue his explanation of the information he'd gathered so far, made himself transfer to them what he could- being extremely careful not to provide the Rebels with any unnecessary First Order information- and all throughout he could feel that tension, swimming back and forth between himself and Rose like an ocean serpent, undulating in the Force with almost overwhelming discomfort and shame.  He could barely get through everything he had to say, and it took far more concentration than he'd anticipated to answer Finn's questions when he was done.  Chewie had a couple observations to make as well but Rose stayed silent, head down, only speaking when spoken too and then saying very little.  Ren couldn't imagine how Chewie and Finn hadn't noticed; every time he glanced at her he found himself dreading what he would have to do more and more.  Realistically it was bound to have happened sooner or later, that he would stumble across a sin the First Order had committed that effected one of the Rebels he knew best, beyond merely losing comrades every now and again in the course of indiscriminate and impersonal battlefields.  But it seemed particularly hard, somehow, that that Rebel had turned out to be Rose.    “I'll see what the Ghost has got on Otomok, if anything,” Finn finally decided, stretching and looking over what he had on his datascreen so far.  “If we can establish a decent link to some local trading systems they might be willing to give us something, particularly on the mines.  Chewie, any chance there's a Rebel outpost in the area?”  Chewie indicated there wasn't and Finn shrugged.  “Might be some sympathizers, though.  You never know. We'll put the call out.”    Ren nodded, then took a deep breath, pocketing his holocron and standing to his feet.  He wouldn't try to avoid it; if it had to happen it had to be now.  “Rose, could I talk to you?”    “What?” Finn asked, looking up in surprise as Rose stood too, glancing between them.  “Talk to her? Why?”    “I'll tell you later,” Rose said softly, her eyes on her feet.  Ren turned to the rear exit of the crew quarters, where a cramped galley stair led to the main and only cargo bay.  If he'd thought the Millennium Falcon was tight then Ghost was practically a floating crypt-- an unpleasant mental image he tried to scrub from his mind the moment he thought of it.  Frankly he could have done with a longer walk but they were through the airlock and in the cargo bay before he knew it, and he sealed the airlock behind them once Rose was through and turned to her.  She was standing in the empty space with her hands twisted together and her shoulders hunched, still staring at the ground.    “You shouldn't have come,” he said bluntly, then inwardly cursed himself.  Not the time, or at the very least, not the observation he should be opening with.  “Have you been back, since...?”

   “No.  I thought I would with Paige, or that when everything was over-- but she died and I've been, you know, in the war.”

   “Are you sure you want to?” he asked, not that he had any alternative to offer.  What would they do if she changed her mind? Drop her on some other planet?  Head for the shipping lanes and try to find someone willing to loop around towards Ord Canfre?  Yes, he decided.  If they had to.  But Rose didn't say anything, nor make any motion yes or no, and he waited a moment, watching her.  “You don't have to,” he added after a while.    “I didn't even know if you'd know about it,” she said, finally looking up at him, her expression agonizingly grief-stricken but not accusatory, which was infinitely worse than if it had been pure hatred.  “I didn't know if you'd remember, even if you heard the name.  It was just a tiny planet out in the middle of nowhere.”    “I remember, Rose. I felt it.  I wasn't there but no matter how far away you are you always feel it, if you're strong in the Force.  The destruction of a planet leaves a wound that nothing can disguise.”

   “You felt it every time?” she repeated, and finally some of that disbelief he'd expected was starting to filter through.   “Yes.”  She didn't say anything, but the next question was only obvious: why didn't he stop it?  Why didn't he save her home?  Or at the very least, why did he stand by when he knew what was going to happen, if he had even a chance to resist it?  A question he had no good answer for, and never had.  Of all the things he'd done, or at least been complicit in, during his time at the First Order, the killing of whole worlds and all the life on them was by far the worst, and the most impossible to forgive.  And the silence stretched on and he could feel, in the Force and in his bones and maybe in whatever he had left that he called a heart, that she thought that, too.

   “Did you have... people, still, on the planet, when it happened?” he asked, praying she'd say that by some miracle they'd all left when she and her sister did.    “My parents,” she replied, dashing even that faint hope.    “Do you know...?” Rose shook her head, looking down again, and in the Force he could feel something tearing in her, some grief so great that even in his senses he could only approach the edge of it, straining under the pressure of her control, her determination to hold it back, all this long while.

   “We could look for them.  If they escaped it might have been to Hays Major.”  She nodded at the floor but said nothing; it was a flimsy offer, a hopeless ploy to make something right that could never be undone.  “Rose...” he tried again, helplessly, but she wouldn't look up.  “I-- I'm sorry.  For whatever my part was in it, I'm sorry.  There's nothing more I can say.”    “You're going back to them.”    “I can make them better.  I can't fix what they- what we- did before, but I can make sure it never happens again.”    “That's not who the First Order is,” she disagreed, finally looking up, her face shining with tears that hadn't been there before, tears that tore through him like blaster bolts.  “They're evil, and they destroy things that aren't evil like them.  And if you're not evil like them they'll just destroy you too, like everything else. ”    A fate that, at this particular moment, he was fairly convinced he deserved.  “I'm going to try,” he said, reaching for her, physically with his hand but also in the Force, brushing against the growing hurricane of her emotions. “Rose--.”    “Don't,” she gasped, stepping back from him, almost stumbling in her haste to get away.    “Let me take it.”    “Don't you dare,” she said, hand dropping to her blaster almost as if she intended to use it, eyes locked on his with absolute fury even though her tears were falling thicker and faster every moment.  “Don't you dare, Kylo Ren.”

   It was the name, more than anything, that made him jerk back, the name and the way she said it, like she was spitting it, like she had to say it quickly to get the taste out of her mouth.  There must have been something in his face that showed his emotions in that moment because she flinched seeing his reaction and looked down at the hand on her blaster like it wasn't even hers, jerking it away.  “Just go,” she whispered, hugging herself around the middle, arms locked tight, tears staining the front of her shirt, dappling the metal floor.  “Just go.”    He wanted to stay, needed to stay, needed to apologize to her again in a way that would make a difference, needed at the very least to draw off some of her pain as an atonement, but he didn't deserve atonement, didn't deserve anything she felt like denying him.  It tasted strongly of cowardice to turn away but he did, obeying her condemnation, returning through the airlock, up the galley stair, and into the crew quarters.  Finn was sitting up in the cockpit with Chewie now but turned around immediately, eyeing Ren with a frown.    “She's still in the cargo bay,” Ren said, continuing into the cockpit where they could both hear him clearly.  “She asked me to leave.”    “Why? What did you say?” Finn demanded, standing out of his chair.   “Nothing that made any difference.  You heard her tell us earlier that she's from Hays Minor?”  Finn nodded, and even Chewie turned toward him curiously.  “The First Order destroyed Hays Minor.  When Starkiller Base was complete that was the planet we tested it on. There was no real reason,” he admitted, taking in the stark shock on Finn's face.  “There were some Rebel sympathizers there, some local unrest, but the same was true of a dozen planets just like it. I don't know how or why that was the one that was picked.”   “You destroyed her planet?” Finn repeated, like he was choking on the words, like they were sticking in his throat somehow.

   “Yes.  Rose and her sister had already left, but her parents were still there.  She has no reason so far to believe they survived.”    “You killed Rose's family?!” Finn gasped, his emotions boiling in the Force, rage, pain, anger, grief.

   “Yes,” Ren said, but he barely got the word out before Finn had slammed into him, knocking him backwards, hard, into the console behind him.  Ren barely had time to absorb the impact before Finn's fist connected with his left cheek, sending him to the floor, hard. Finn was right behind, hitting Ren a second time, a third, and only on the fourth blow did Ren reach out in the Force to stop his hand in midair.    “You killed them!” Finn screamed in his face, trying to go for Ren with his other fist, but Ren caught that one, too.  “Let me go you bastard!  YOU KILLED THEM!”  He was raging so much he never saw Chewie stand behind him, plucking Finn away like he was picking up a small child, setting him on his feet on the opposite side of the cockpit.    “Rose needs you,” Ren gasped, getting to his feet, wiping away some of the blood that was trailing down his face.  “She's in the cargo bay, crying.”   “You bastard,” Finn snarled, Chewie's arm holding him back as he tried to go for Ren again.    “I know I am.  But you can hit me later.  Rose needs you.”    “This isn't over, Solo,” Finn said, shaking Chewie off, straightening his jacket.  “I am going to hit you again.  You can count on it.”    “I'll be here,” Ren muttered, but Finn was already storming away, his feet snapping against the floor hard enough to make the metal ring.  Chewie sat back down in the pilot's seat and Ren took the newly empty co-pilot's chair next to him, wiping at his face again.  Finn hit hard, and he had more than one wound; in the end he decided to just wait it out and to try and clean himself up later, leaning back in the chair and staring at the stars streaking past without really seeing them.  He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't realize Chewie had reached across until he felt something nudge his arm and looked down to see a First Aid kit in the Wookie's massive paw.  He nodded his thanks but said nothing, taking the kit and leaving it in his lap as he leaned back again, letting himself bleed.

/////////////////////////// Chapter XL: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/190131756861/the-rebels-last-stand ///////////////////////////

A/N: the destruction of Hays Minor is canon, and was covered in the comic explaining Rose Tico’s origins.  Whether her parents died at the time or not is assumed, but unconfirmed. My Ao3, and all my Reylo stuff:

Chapter XXXVII: Rey approaches Leia

////////////////////////////////

To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be

////////////////////////////////

   Rey found Leia on top of the mountain nearest the abandoned Imperial Ordnance Depot the Rebels were using as their base, meditating with her face tilted up to the sun, suspiciously alone. “Where's Ammu?” Rey asked, momentarily distracted from why she'd come.

   “Getting in trouble, probably.  Ani is with him,” Leia added, naming the akk pup that was always at Ammu's side.  She tilted her face back down to earth and opened her eyes, looking at Rey.  “I felt Ben leave.”

   Rey nodded.  Leia only called Ben by his real name when she was alone with Rey; in front of everyone else it was either Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader, or 'their leader', even though after what had happened pretty much all of the Rebels knew who he really was at this point.  It was the kind of detail that never seemed promising at the best of times but struck Rey as especially problematic now, though it probably wasn't the time to bring it up.  “I wish you could have seen him,” Rey said instead.

   “I didn't want to.”

  “Even after he already knew about Ammu?”

   “Yes, even then, though I still wish he never had,” Leia said, frowning as she stood and climbed down from the spur of rock she'd been sitting on.  Her expression lightened a bit as she looked outward, surveying the vista of bright blue sky up above and the sea of yellow cloud down below, occasionally interrupted here and there by the peaks of other mountains, rising above the miasma.  “I've found out how he got down to him, at least; he said Ani showed him how to wrap the Force around his mouth and nose and use that to breathe through.  I'm still not sure how that would work myself, but apparently it made enough sense to Ammu to get him through the clouds and down to the ground safely.  Ani won't tell me how he knew that but I've long suspected those big eyes of theirs let akk dogs see the living Force, even though they can't directly manipulate it.  It would explain why they're attracted to those who are Force sensitive more than any others.”  She finally turned to Rey, her expression still outwardly serene but something tight and unhappy around her mouth.  “I felt him leave you, Rey.”

   Rey stared, not knowing for a moment how to respond to that phrasing.  “He didn't leave me,” she disagreed finally, even though he undoubtedly had. “He's going to try to take back the First Order.  If he does--.”

   “How like his father he is,” Leia interrupted with a sigh, turning away towards the path Rey had just come up.  To the right it continued up the mountain past them, to the peak where a Rebel lookout had been built, but Leia turned left, down the branch that led back through the clouds to the surface below.  “Han thought he could keep one foot in and one foot out, too.  Of course for him the foot that was out was in petty crime, not in the Empire.”

   “Leia, please let me talk to you about Ben,” Rey insisted, staying close behind her as they started down the mountain.

   “I know already, Rey,” Leia said, not turning around.  “I could feel your hope.  Your indecision, your fear; I could feel his too.  And how you care for each other,” she added, much more softly.  “That most of all.  You both radiated it so strongly in the Force; if there were other sensitives here they probably would have felt it for a mile around.”    

   “He has a plan, Leia,” Rey insisted.

   “I'm sure he does.  They always do, these young men with their starships and their blasters and the galaxy forever at their fingertips.”  She stopped in the shadow of the lookout, breathing in deeply, seeming to savor the fresh, clear air but for the concern that continued to bleed off her in the Force.  “Well, you might as well tell me,” she said, turning back to look at Rey.  “What has he thought up to counter Hux's coup?”

   “I-- I don't know,” Rey admitted, realizing she'd never asked about that specifically despite many chances to do so, which seemed suddenly and simultaneously both like a glaring oversight and also like something Ben had probably avoided telling her on purpose, something she could hardly be mad about considering all that she'd kept from him.  “That's not the plan I'm talking about.”  Leia waited expectantly but Rey found herself hesitating, glancing up toward the lookout, wondering if they were close enough to be heard by the scouts who occupied that perch day and night.  Not that Ben's plan- their plan- was all that secret, necessarily, just that it seemed like it should probably be kept quiet for as long as possible until all the portions of it came together.

   “Let's get back to the base and find that apprentice of mine,” Leia said before Rey could make up her mind, also glancing up toward the lookout, seeming to understand what was making Rey hesitate.  “No doubt he's with the other akk dogs again.”  Rey nodded but Leia had already turned away, continuing on to the frame where gas masks were hanging for Rebels going up and down, each of them taking one and strapping it on.  Now that Ammu could go anywhere regardless of the poisonous gas separating the peaks of the mountains from their bases he was as likely to be there as much as anywhere else; he wasn't a child who talked much about his interests or habits, when he talked at all, but from what Leia had told Rey Ani had only recently befriended Ammu and seemed to be the first to ever successfully do so, and vice versa.  Since then the boy and the akk pup had been inseparable, which was cute now but Rey suspected would be substantially less endearing in a few months when Ani grew to his full size.  The few wild adult akks she'd seen were roughly the same size as large speeders, with heavily armored tails about as long as the rest of their bodies, and sharp, pointed teeth that may not be generally used to eat humanoids but certainly seemed capable of the exercise.  Rey had only seen them at a distance and hadn't minded keeping it that way.

   The path led down into the yellow mists, the leading edge of which always seemed to come up more suddenly than Rey expected.  One moment she had clear air above and mist down below- the next the ragged edges of the clouds would be near her feet- and a step later she was completely engulfed.  One step after that it was so thick she could hardly see her hand in front of her face.  The Rebels had boarded the path on both sides with a rope rail, one for people going up and one for people going down, and by keeping a hand on the down rope Rey could navigate fairly well, head down, making sure she didn't lose her footing.  All she could see in front of her was the back of Leia's head, looking oddly misshapen with the thick rubber hoses of the gas mask around it, and Leia's hand on the rope, holding and letting go, holding and letting go. They stayed close together, picking their way down, then as soon as it had started the clouds lifted and they were safely below, headed into the open air.

   “The local akk dogs tend to congregate over in the swampy areas where they can hunt for the local amphibians,” Leia said as they took off their gas masks and hung them on the waiting lower frame, nodding toward the path that led that way.  Rey turned down it without comment, heading away from the base and into the wilds of Ord Canfre, which Rey had had neither reason nor desire to explore much so far.  There was something eerie about the below-cloud surface of Canfre; maybe it was the constant murky yellow of the light, the sounds of akk dogs calling to each other in Force speech far off in the distance, or the wary cast-off children that haunted the base, peeking around corners and watching the few Rebels that were left go about their work.  It wasn't an impressive population; Rey had known for a while that the Resistance was struggling for recruits but she hadn't realized just how bad it had gotten.  Even with a few new people trickling in every now and again the force that had been amassed on Canfre barely filled even the shored-up ruins of the original Depot.

   “We seem to be alone now, Rey,” Leia said from behind, interrupting her gloomy thoughts.  “What was it you wanted to tell me?”

   “Ben has a plan,” Rey repeated, slowing down so she and Leia were walking side by side.  “Not the plan to get into the First Order- he probably has that too, I mean- but a plan for after. After he's in control again.  He wants a summit.”

   Leia frowned, her sweeping a wide circle around them as they left the far edges of the base for the grasslands beyond, stepping into a sea of gently undulating yellow to match the sky above.  “What kind of summit?”

   “He said he wants time.  Time to change the First Order into something better.  Time to prove that he can.”

  “Change it how?”

   “He didn't say,” Rey admitted, already cursing herself for not getting more details out of Ben when they'd been talking about this.  She'd been too blindsided by what he'd wanted to really parse it through- to say nothing of too caught up in Ben himself, if she was being brutally honest- and Leia was already spotting all the gaps that Rey hadn't been paying attention to.  “He said that he thinks the First Order can be the right thing for the galaxy, can bring a better future to the galaxy, if he has a chance to change it, but he didn't talk about the changes he wants right now.  He was mostly trying to get me to agree to give him the chance.”

   “It's easy to give someone a chance, Rey,” Leia said softly, “but much harder to take a chance back if it doesn't go the way you want.”

   “I know, but what if we just agreed to meet him?  What if the Resistance agreed to hear him out?”

   Leia stopped, frowning, and for a moment Rey though she was considering it but then Leia moved in the Force, reaching out in front of them.  Turning that direction Rey noticed they'd nearly reached the swampy area Leia had mentioned, an area populated by oddly shaped orange hillocks that turned out to be the rounded backs of akk dogs.  As Rey watched one of them raised its head above the grasses, turning its bulbous eyes toward them.

   “Ammu's not here,” Leia sighed.  “And it doesn't feel like he's been here for a while.  That boy,” she added, shaking her head as she withdrew her Force manipulation back into herself, turning back.  “If I want him to stay in one place longer than a moment I think I'm going to have to start tying him down.”

   “Will he be on the base?” Rey asked.

   “I don't know. As far as I can tell he doesn't have any friends on the base.  He doesn't seem to want to talk to the other children, or play with them, or even be around them.  If he could turn himself into an akk dog and run away with them instead I think he wouldn't hesitate.” She shook her head, eyeing the crumbling Ordnance Depot in the distance.  “It'd be difficult to agree to a summit with the Supreme Leader the way things are now,” she continued.  “There's a great deal that could go wrong, even if Ben doesn't mean it to, and this coup from General Hux doesn't make it seem as though he's in full control of his people if the worst should happen.  What if another officer turns against him and decides to use the summit to wipe the Resistance out?  What then?”

   “Ben wouldn't let that happen,” Rey insisted.

   “Ben might not have as much of a choice in the matter as he'd like you to think he does, or even as he thinks he does.  He hasn't been Supreme Leader very long and he's not doing too well at is so far.  I wish it were possible, Rey,” she added.  “I really do. And I hope that you can find a way, somehow, and that he can too. But even if Ben can take over the First Order again that doesn't automatically mean that a guarantee of safety from him would result in a summit that would be truly safe.”

   “There's more,” Rey told her.  “He also promised that if he can't take over the First Order like he planned he'll come back and join the Resistance.”

   “He said that?” Leia asked sharply, stopping mid-step and turning to look at Rey.

   “Yes.”

   “And you believed him?  Truly believed him, in the Force, in your bond?”

   “I did,” Rey said firmly.  “It was while we were in the hangar, and you said you could feel him, too.  He wasn't lying.  He promised and he meant it.”

   Leia studied Rey, tracing her over with her eyes as though seeking some reassurance, some further guarantee that what Rey was saying was true.  “And when would this happen?” she asked slowly.

  “Right after the mission, I guess,” Rey said.  “When he gets back with the others.”

   “Assuming they would survive the failure of the mission.”

   “He would.  They would,” Rey corrected herself.

   At last Leia looked away, mulling that over.  “I'd like to believe that is possible,” she said slowly, reluctantly, “but there's so much Ben has done.  So much the Resistance has seen him do.  To fight with him, side by side--.”

   “We did fight with him, for days.  And even Poe said several times we would have been wiped out if it wasn't for Ben.”

   “And you would have been dead if it wasn't for him, I know,” Leia said, reaching out almost absentmindedly and squeezing Rey's arm in a comforting way as she turned back toward her.  “He did some incredible things and saved our people if not the Resistance itself, in some ways.  But Rey, all of that was to achieve something he wanted.  It suited his ends.”

   “That doesn't mean he didn't mean it,” Rey said.  “Plus he might have been able to get off that planet by himself if he really wanted to, he could have waited for the First Order to send a ship he could steal, or mind controlled some of the stormtroopers into letting him on to one that was already there--.”

   “But that was only part of what he wanted, Rey.  A ship isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.  What he really wanted- wants- is you.”  Rey looked away, not sure what to say, but could still tell Leia was smiling at her in a wistful, knowing way.  “Your forget that my son is not the first Skywalker or Solo man I've ever met,” Leia continued.  “I've known a long line of them, and if there was one thing they had in common it was single-minded focus when they were trying to get something they really wanted, especially if that something was a someone.  There was more between you two in that hangar than just generally caring what happens to one another.”

   “Yes,” Rey admitted, turning back to her.

   “What else did you promise him?” Leia asked, her brow furrowing with concern, mouth still tight with unhappiness-- tight in exactly the way Ben's was when he was unhappy, Rey belatedly realized.  “I could feel your hesitation from the start, both with him and with me, and I don't think it's just because you know how impossible these plans of his are.”

   “I promised-- I promised the same thing he did,” Rey said, almost stuttering on the words, the one thing she hadn't wanted to reveal, had wanted to keep hidden even from thinking it herself as long as she possibly could.  “He said if he lost he'd come to me, and I said if he won I'd-- I'd go to him.”

   “To the First Order?” Leia asked incredulously.

   “Yes, to the First Order.”

   “Oh, Rey--.”

   “I know,” Rey said, cutting her off in her hurry to get it out, “but it was worth it, wasn't it?  I don't think he'll be able to get back into the First Order as easily as he says, but if he does he really could change things, and he will especially if I'm with him.  I know he will.”

   Leia had tears in her eyes at the end of this speech, and when she squeezed Rey's arm again her fingers trembled very slightly.  “Oh Rey,” she said again.  “I wish I had your faith.  I wish I had your love.  But these things Ben said, they're just words.  He can't really promise you these things because there's nothing he can guarantee, nothing he knows for sure.”

   “I believed him,” Rey insisted, a little alarmed by this take on things but still buoyed by the feeling of Ben in the bond, his surety, his determination.  “I know he meant it.”

   “Even if he did, my dear,” Leia said quietly, wiping at her cheeks as she turned back towards the base, “that doesn't make it possible.  He can't will his dreams into existence, even with a Solo for a father and a Skywalker for a mother.  Now, where did that apprentice of mine go?” she asked, voice still slightly shaky as she turned back towards the base, starting down the path again.  “At this point I'll need to get an akk dog of my own just to track him down.”

//////////////////////////////// Chapter XXXVIII: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/190029085251/the-rebels-last-stand ///////////////////////////////

A/N:  Poor Leia.  It’s so hard to have hope after you’ve been disappointed so many times. As a general note, this is the last chapter of TRLS that I wrote before seeing TROS.  I do intend to incorporate some elements of TROS as they come- or to at least leave that option open- but nothing that changes the plot drastically from what it was going to be.  There are vast swaths I won’t be pursuing at all; TRLS will continue along TLJ trajectories overall.   My Ao3, and all my Reylo stuff:

Chapter XLIV: A glimpse of the truth

////////////////////////////////

To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be

////////////////////////////////

   “You didn't tell me how hard this was,” Finn growled, eyes squeezed shut, forehead beaded with sweat.

   “Concentrate.”

   “I am concentrating!”

  “Concentrate harder,” Ren advised grimly, holding his own temper in check, trying to focus on his feeling of Finn in the Force as they sat facing each other in the first form meditation pose, legs crossed, hands on their knees.  By now they must have passed through the blockade, and since no one had come barreling into the cargo bay to report disaster he could only assume it had gone well.  The situation with Finn, however, was not going well at all.

   “My emotions are all about Hays,” Finn muttered.  “And Rose.  And what happens if we lose.”

   “Name them.”

  “Frustration,” Finn said, breathing out.  “Panic.  Fear.  Um... helplessness.  Fear-- again.”

   “What do you fear most? Besides one of us getting hurt.”

   “Failing.  Or-- or doing more damage.  Hurting the people we meet.  Making things worse.”

  “Finn, your fear is part of you,” Ren told, searching him in the Force.  Finn shifted uncomfortably.  “You need to accept that it exists, that it always will.  Don't try to ignore it or push it away, that only gives it power over you.”

   “It feels pretty damn powerful already,” he complained.

   “If it is there it is there for a reason.”  Finn nodded and Ren, feeling no change in his instability, tried a different approach.  “You said that you feel things.  What kinds of things?  When do you feel them?”

  “Um, sometimes... if something bad happens.  Or is going to happen. Or something good even,” he muttered, his voice going lower, his feelings flushing slightly with embarrassment.  “But it's hard to tell what it will be.”

   Ren frowned, reaching further into Finn.  “What do you feel now?”

   “Fear,” Finn repeated in an increasingly strained tone.  “Helplessness, frustra--.”

   “No, not in your feelings, in the Force.  Feel forward, like... like pushing your mind into the world around you.  Outside of yourself.”

   Finn frowned too, sweating more, but Ren could feel him struggling to obey.  The Force moved, slightly, swelling, as though trying to respond to something.  “I feel...”  Finn frowned harder, pushed harder.  “Danger,” he breathed, his expression not relaxing but something in his voice going cooler, more distant.  “Danger in front of us.”

   He was doing it.  The living Force was beginning to respond to him, drawn in like water towards a sudden leak, soaking through, more falling into him than being pulled, connecting with a natural portion of its own whole.  “Name the danger,” Ren said softly, afraid to disturb him too much.  “A place?  An event?”

   “A person,” Finn breathed, his shoulders relaxing, his forehead beginning to smooth as the Force flooded him, lifting him away from his emotions, elevating him out of the roiling cloud in his mind that had been antagonizing and exhausting him.  A portion of his fear seemed to ease.  “A person down there.”

   “On Hays?”

   “Yes.”

   Ren hesitated, fingers tensing slightly on his knees.  He needed to know more but simultaneously needed Finn to go deeper into this state he seemed to have found purely by accident and achieve at least enough balance to see them through the next few hours.  “What is the... shape of the threat?” he asked.  “Feel it.  Don't think, relax. Let it come to you.”

   “It's...” Finn hesitated for a long moment, his connection stuttering for a second but not being disrupted enough for him to lose it.  “It's a... man.  But I can't see--.”

   “Just the shape, Finn,” Ren repeated hurriedly, feeling the connection stutter more severely.  “Just the outline.”

   “Big,” Finn muttered.  “Big and... and white.”

   “Good.  Focus on the white.  Does it seem like skin or clothing?  Is it hard, or soft?”

   “No.  Not soft.”

   “Relax.  Take a deep breath and let it flood your mind.”

   Finn did as he was told, and the connection settled within him again.  “Hard. Shiny.  Armor,” he said in surprise, his eyes opening, and the connection quietly fragmented and was gone.  “It's stormtrooper armor.  I could see it.  I could see it in my mind.”

   “Yes, you did very well,” Ren said, still monitoring him in the Force. It seemed to have been enough.  “You feel steadier too.”

  “Yeah.  Yeah, it's better.  It all kind of fell away, you know? Like I wasn't even here for a second.”

   “So I've heard,” Ren said briefly, uncrossing his legs and getting to his feet, stretching out for a moment.  “We're nearly to the planet.  Can you feel that?”

   “No.  Not right now, not anymore,” Finn said, frowning as he also got to his feet.

   “It's fine, Finn. It'll come.”

   “Well, thanks anyway,” he said, looking down, clasping his hands, feet shoulder-width apart; adopting, though he didn't seem to know it, the stance of a First Order soldier at parade rest.  “I know I can't exactly do the stuff that you and Rey do--.”

   “If you could I wouldn't let you off this ship. The untrained Force user is more a liability to himself and others than an asset.”  Ren sighed, shaking his head.  “Use your feelings today, but don't try to do any more than that unless you don't have another choice.  Follow where they lead, don't push to make it happen.”

   “Okay,” Finn said, nodding.

   Ren hesitated, looking toward the cockpit as the Ghost began to slow.  In other circumstances he still wouldn't let Finn off the ship, other circumstances in which he had more people and resources at his disposal.  Today, however, he didn't really have a choice in the matter.  “Focus your attention on the stormtrooper you felt.  When you find him, tell me.”

   “You won't be able to feel him?” Finn asked, looking up in surprise.

   “Maybe, but not in the way you will.  The Force is showing you something it hasn't shown me.”  For a moment Finn regarded him warily, as though looking for some sign of envy or hostility in response to this supposed preference, and Ren sighed.  “I can still blow this whole ship apart with a thought, Finn,” he reminded him.  “You're allowed a little Force sight.”

   Finn grinned.  “Cocky bastard, aren't you?”  Ren turned away, opening the airlock just as Finn said, “Thank you, Master Solo.”  The name- the title- hearing both at once made him stumble mid-step, turning back, but Finn was still standing at parade rest, still grinning.

   “I'm not your Master,” was all he could think to say.

   “Well you're the only Master I've got,” Finn said, shrugging.  Around them the Ghost slowed even more then shuddered slightly as it made contact with something solid.  Both Ren and Finn compensated automatically, maintaining their footing.  “We've docked,” Finn pointed out.

  “Just Solo is fine,” Ren replied, ignoring that.

  “Whatever you say, not-Master Solo.”

   “I hope you have as much energy for the fight in front of us as you do for making pointless jokes,” Ren said, turning away again and continuing up the galley stair, but he did still feel somewhat better about this mission than he had only hours before, enough that even the dismal sight of the rusty and derelict docking bay through the viewscreen hardly effected him as he crossed the crew quarters and entered the cockpit, looking out at the murky space hangar.

   “You guys okay?” Rose asked, looking back at him and seeming to closely examine his face-- for new cuts and bruises, he realized.

   “We're fine,” he said briefly. “How did running the blockade go?”  Chewie replied that it had been smooth and uneventful, and had several complimentary things to say about the Ghost and her stealth capabilities.  “Good, fine,” Ren replied.  “Chewie, I need you to stay with the ship, we can't sneak into a First Order base with a Wookie in tow.”  Chewie made a sound that roughly indicated he'd expected that.  “Before we leave, you should both know that Finn has a connection to the Force.”

 “Wha-- whoa, whoa!” Finn protested, his glance switching between Ren and Rose then back again, Rose staring back at him as though Ren had just revealed Finn was secretly a bantha in disguise. “Solo that's private!”

   “Secrets in battle get people killed,” Ren said unsympathetically, secretly relieved to hear that they were back to just 'Solo' again.  “I've worked with him and he's got a lid on it,” he informed the other two.  “Other than that, we're going ahead as scheduled.  Let's get dressed; Chewie, pay off whoever or whatever you need to to cover the docking fee and make sure no one looks at the Ghost too closely.”

   “You-- you're strong in the Force?  You are?” Rose asked without moving to get up, seemingly not hearing a word Ren had said after that.

   “Well-- well, yeah,” Finn said, smiling hesitantly.  “I mean it's not, like, a crazy strong connection or anything, like him,” he added, nodding at Ren, “but yeah, I guess I am.”

   “Finn, that's amazing!” Rose said, finally getting to her feet and throwing herself into his arms, Finn catching her automatically.  “That's so amazing, how, how did you find out? What does it feel like?  What can you do?”  Ren turned away, hearing Chewie growl under his breath something that sounded a whole lot like Wookie for 'not another one', but Finn had eyes only for Rose, excitedly explaining about the feelings, about meditating with Ren, about his vision of the stormtrooper armor.  The recitation, as rushed as it was, still gave Ren enough time to wrap more nondescript clothing around himself over his normal clothes, draped and trailing to hide his general size and shape, along with a face wrap that not only obscured his identity but also the colorful and eye-catching bruises Finn had been kind enough to decorate him with.  By the time he returned to the cockpit he was ready to disembark and Chewie had similarly been busy, successfully paying off the dock authorities then returning, but Finn and Rose were still wrapped in each other's arms.

   “Enough of this,” Ren said, waving his hand impatiently and inserting a light but insistent Force push directly between them, making them come apart.  “We're here, we need to get moving.  Go get dressed.”

   “You've been teaching him?” Rose asked, turning towards Ren instead as Finn just stood where the Force push had left him, beaming, neither of them seeming to particularly mind their forcible removal from each other's embrace.

   “I'm been trying to make sure he doesn't blow us halfway to the Unknown Regions, if at all possible, and only for the last hour or so,” he corrected, but even that stark assessment of his role in all this was not enough to keep her from also throwing her arms around him.  He patted her back awkwardly, made more uncomfortable by his sense of her feelings of surprise and gratitude and trust that seemed also to wrap around him than by the actual hug.

   “I tried calling him 'Master',” Finn informed her.  “He really doesn't like it very much.”

   “I think it sounds nice,” Rose said, grinning up at Ren.

 “It’s inaccurate,” Ren said, pushing her away from him too, but a little more gently this time and with his hands.  “Both of you get dressed.  Please.”  This time they finally moved away towards quarters but not before Rose gave him another dazzling, ear-to-ear smile, taking Finn's hand like they were lovers about to visit a temperate beach rather than soldiers about to embark on an extremely perilous mission.  Ren turned back to the cockpit, where Chewie was watching him and looking pleased, as much as a Wookie could make any expression other than general extreme hairiness.

   “Don't start,” Ren sighed, sitting in the copilot chair and pulling out his holocron one last time.  Chewie looked away too, fiddling with some of the controls, but remarked that Finn seemed like he would make a good student.  “A good student for Rey, when he gets back to her,” Ren corrected, trying to ignore the slight sinking sensation of disappointment in his own emotions as he said it.  Because for all that Finn did seem to have some natural talent, for all that he had been able to access and even somewhat use the living Force, Ren had watched him as closely as he could during their short exercise together and never, not once, had Finn tried consciously or unconsciously to reach for any part of the Dark side.

//////////////////////////// Chapter XLV: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/615111610455982080/the-rebels-last-stand ///////////////////////////// A/N: Master Solo.  Honestly, it’s fun even just to type it. My Ao3, and all my Reylo stuff:

Chapter XVIII: Rey and the Rebels, on the run again

////////////////////////////////

To start from Chapter I, go here: https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/169184041771/oh-my-god-you-know-what-i-want-i-want-rey-to-be

////////////////////////////////

   No matter how hard Rey concentrated it was impossible to tell what Ben himself was feeling when he was like this.  She wasn't even sure he was aware he was doing it at all when he just pushed certain things at her, a heady rush that permeated the bond, soaking the part of her mind that was aware of him with impressions but no real substance.  She frowned, pushing back into the mess, trying to make it make sense, but there was no rational pattern to it, no anchor to grab hold of, just a slurry of dread, grief, apprehension, and a pressing concern for her like a ceaseless chord playing over and over in the rest of the cacophony.

   She kept her eyes closed and her head down a moment longer, fingering the hilt of Ben's lightsaber where it hung from her belt, the same place her own lightsaber had occupied before they'd destroyed it.  His felt different in every way- heavier, larger, the lateral vents of the crossguard bumping against the side of her leg when she moved- but there was a very Ben feeling to it as well, something comforting in the midst of the unfamiliar, something to hold on to when the entire Rebel group was standing waiting on her, as she could feel them doing now.  When she finally did look up Poe was studying her, not in an unsympathetic way but more as though he knew exactly what she was feeling because it was something he felt himself, often.

   “What's the word?” he asked softly, scanner in hand.  “Stay or go?”

   She knew the answer, probably the one thing that had echoed clearly in Ben's feeling in the bond, and it would be a betrayal to him to pretend anything else, but she still hesitated before shaking her head.  “Go,” she said.  “But not up top.  We need to stay out of sight.”

   “Out of sight?” he repeated, looking down at his screen.  “In the tunnels?  There's not a direct tunnel between here and the Falcon for miles.”

   She shook her head at the screen, frowning.  “We have to, Poe. I don't know how to say it but we do.”

   He sighed, long and hard before turning to the rest of the Rebels.  “Alright guys, it's going to be tunnels for a while.  We don't have a route planned, we're just trying to get out of the way of whatever Finn and Ren are seeing up top.  Everyone with a scanner, get it out and start checking the map in all directions, see if you can find some path forward, big or small.  Will they be in the tunnels?” he asked, turning to Rey.

   “Probably,” she said.  “I don't know.”

  He nodded, all but pushing her forward into the tunnel they were in now, further in, down a gradual slope, the uneven floor showing up as bands of shadow in the beams of their lights.  “Well, we'll deal with it if it does happen.”

   “Poe--,” she said, turning towards him, not sure if she should admit to her doubt, but he must have read it in her expression because he shook his head, immediately cutting her off.

   “No, we're not doing that,” he said, his voice just low enough that even the Rebels directly behind them wouldn't be able to hear.  “No second-guessing tonight, alright? Rigth now we need to get as far as we can as quickly as we can before we have to either find somewhere to hole up or make a run for a completely different spot than we've got now, and both ways I need you looking sharp.”

   “I'm still unsteady,” she said anyway, keeping her eyes forward, her hand on the lightsaber hilt.

   “Well, Ren said you could do it, and I believed him,” Poe said, his tone neutral.  “And he wouldn't have lied about that, not if it's you on the line.  You've got his sword and we've got his word.  That's going to have to be enough to see us through.  Plus it's not like you're alone, you know?” he pointed out, patting the blaster on his hip.  “And I'm not half bad with this thing.  You just give us the signal, and we'll take care of it.”

   They fell silent as she went forward, not sure whether or not she could count on Poe's bravado to actually bear out, deliberately resisting searching his feelings, afraid what she might find.  If he really did doubt her he was hiding it well now, and it was difficult to concentrate so much on his feelings anyway when she had Ben's in her head already.  She was so distracted trying to parse through what she was sensing in the bond that she didn't sense the First Order patrol until they were already on the screen, Poe whispering back along the line to get ready and go quietly.  She instantly chided herself and spread her Force sense out, carefully keeping track of where they were as well as the other tunnels around them.  They were empty; only these three soldiers were in the way.

   “Didn't expect to meet anyone so soon,” Poe muttered, almost to himself, and Rey nodded absently, looking down the tunnel behind them.  There was a feeling inside her she couldn't identify, maybe Force, maybe instinct, maybe both, worrying at her as though there was something she was supposed to have already realized and she was just being a bit slow off the mark.

   “Poe,” she said, “what do we do?”

   “What we always do.  Take 'em out, run for it.”

   But that would give away their position.  She wanted to say it but held back, sure he'd thought of that, equally sure that he must have decided it didn't matter.  The only other thing they could possibly do was turn around and go back up the tunnel ahead of the patrol and out to the surface, an option she herself had already strongly warned against and still believed would put them in worse danger than they would be in now.

   Ben.  It wouldn't reach him- she could feel in some undefinable way that he was out of range, and besides if he could have been speaking to her surely he would have by now- but it helped to think it, helped to imagine he was on the other end of the invisible string something she could grab on to when she needed it, something more than just herself to rely on.  And it really was something she relied on, which made her smile now, as it did so often; he'd been such an enigma, such a scary thing, while he was Kylo Ren.

   While he was Kylo Ren.  Something about that jogged her memory so she played it over again in her mind, remembering meeting him, the odd interrogation that had been more about her than what he'd said he wanted, remembering escaping.  Remembering escaping.

   “Stop,” she gasped out, throwing an arm sideways to catch Poe across the chest, looking back.  The Rebels noticed and stumbled to a halt as well, one after the other, watching her.  “Everyone against the walls,” she whispered, drawing the lightsaber.  She hoped she wouldn't have to use it.  She was almost sure she wouldn't have to use it.

   “What's the plan, Rey?” Poe asked guardedly, glancing down at the lightsaber.

   “I can make them not see us,” she said.  “I can make them walk right past and not even know we're here.”

   “With the Force?  Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” she lied.  She was... kind of sure.  Mostly sure.  “It doesn't take that much energy.  If everyone stays quiet I should be able to.”

   “I don't think that will be a problem,” Poe muttered, looking the other Rebels over before going to the wall himself, leaving Rey standing alone in the middle of the tunnel.  She breathed, reaching for her center, which was still unsteady.  After a moment she reached for the bond instead, which never was.

   Ben. The First Order stormtroopers were coming closer, almost upon them. She sent him feelings of reassurance, of confidence, of determination.  Not fear.  Not doubt.  She wouldn't.  She couldn't. It might panic him, or at least distract him, and who knew how that might turn out if he found himself in a situation where he needed to focus.  She breathed, using the surety of the bond, the strength of the man on the other end.  In the tunnel, the First Order stormtroopers came into view.

   “There's nothing in this tunnel,” she murmured, raising a hand, feeling the Force flowing through her, around her.  Just a little; just a touch.  She wasn't trying to batter.  Just persuade.  The stormtroopers didn't seem to have spotted her yet, which was odd; they weren't that far away. “Just another empty tunnel,” she murmured, waving her hand in a slow arc through the air, like she was wiping something away. “Nothing here.”

   “Another empty tunnel,” one of the stormtroopers said just as the trio reached her and passed by, two of them on her left, one on her right.

   “Nothing here,” another responded, almost eerily.  Rey turned slowly to watch them, keeping her hand raised, the Force strong in her.  The Rebels pressed themselves against the walls but they almost needn't have taken so much care; as the stormtroopers passed they adjusted course naturally to allow for the more constricted area, as if it wasn't people blocking their way but the walls of the tunnel itself.  In what felt like a very long moment but was probably only a few seconds, they had moved on, then passed out of sight entirely.

   The Rebels sighed quietly in relief, falling back into line, Poe stepping up beside Rey, his face lined with surprising tension, given how well her ploy seemed to have worked.  “How was that?” he asked.

  “Good.  I don't think they suspected anything.”

  “No, I meant how are you?  Are you okay?  Everything good?”

   “I'm fine,” she reassured him, smiling as she clipped the saber back to her belt.  “It took even less Force than I thought it would.”

   “As long as you're okay, Rey,” Poe said, starting down the tunnel again, scanner out.  “Don't screw around with me again.  We can shoot our way through if we need to.”

  “We won't need to, Poe,” she said, simultaneously conveying what she could of her success to Ben- real confidence this time, and reassurance, and relief.  His lightsaber bumped along at her side, as solid and as steady as he was, as she was able to be with his help. “I'll get us through.”

//////////////////////////////////

Chapter XIX:

https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/188871264016/the-rebels-last-stand

////////////////////////////////////