#trigger-warning

pronouns: she/he age: 18 labels: genderfluid lesbian and neurodivergent timezone: CST language: english

⚠️ heavy trigger warnings:

this blog includes content about:

self-harm

suicidal ideation (passive & active)

psychosis (hallucinations, paranoia, delusional thinking, reality confusion, derealization/unreality, disorganized writing)

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) with intrusive thoughts (religious, violent, sexual), compulsions, moral spirals, guilt rants

eating disorders

religious trauma

dissociation

fictional self-harm / horror oc writing / vent characters

gore imagery

panic attacks, spiraling vent posts, overstimulation

notebook-style intrusive thoughts

identity confusion

nothing is NSFW. i tag everything i can. if you need something tagged, you can ask anonymously.

this blog is for other mentally ill young people.

i’m not here to educate anyone. i’m not here to debate mental illness, morality, recovery, or “healthiness.” this is not a place for people looking for inspiration or recovery stories. i won’t tolerate ableism, trolling, or fakeclaiming. just don't.

🚫 please don’t...

send “positive vibes” or recovery tips unless i ask

fakeclaim, trauma dump without warning, or moralize my content

follow if you’re here to gawk at mentally ill people

I want to talk at no one about Aquaman. I really like this movie. I might love it, given more time. From start to finish the whole movie was just a good, fun, highly enjoyable film. I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days about why I like this film, and don’t like certain other DC films. I have a couple rough ideas.

 1.) Aquaman is a movie ABOUT something, it has something to tell you and i think it succeeds

2.) Aquaman learns to forgive himself and others for being born into the situations they were, without forgiving/justifying the harm they do

So, here goes.

Aquaman is book ended by a forbidden love story. The love between Thomas Curry and Atlanna is beautifully realized in my opinion. And it provides a great deal of context for the rest of the film, we both see and have directly told to us that Arthur is born of love. But years after his mother is forced to leave him, we see an adult Arthur struggling with guilt. He fully believes that HE was the reason his mom died, he doesn’t see himself as a product of love, but as a sin.

I can’t say for sure if this is intentional but the obvious parallels between Arthur being of mixed heritage and mixed race children are impossible for me to ignore. This could be read almost 1 to 1 as a very familiar tale of a mixed race relationship in south africa, post slavery america, pretty much anywhere. And the pain and grief that Arthur internalizes is real. It’s the pain of hating yourself for being born, of seeing how miserable your parents are, even though they may love you dearly and tell you that often and feeling in your gut that they would be happier without you. It’s as irrational as it is poignant. Arthur eventually comes to realize that he is not at fault for being born, and that’s a really strong message ya’ll.

TL;DR

October 4th - Hands

Inspired by this post by @rebel-spore​

Today I feel like hope is gone. This dark shallow existence of mine is truly pointless. That hope, joy, creativity are really just tilting at windmills. Today I understand suicide more than ever.

My parents!

There will be many posts about my family on this blog. 

The first thing you need to know about them is that they are elitists and think they can cure ANY illness with prayer. 

So I said I was in a cult, well my mom helped start it. It was a small college church group, but my mom helped build it into an empire that had a summer camp with getaway weekends, mission trips, and churches all around the southeast united states.

I haven’t talked to anyone who left and thinks of it as a cult except some family members who joined then left. My parents treat the family members not in that church as if they are possessed by the devil. I genuinely wasn’t treated like a person my entire childhood. I was kind of a joke or a minstrel show. 

Ever since I was little, I thought scientists or something were watching me and if I committed a certain list of “sins,” a monster would be unleashed into the world. 

I had lived with that thought and it moved to all of my relationships up until basically a few weeks ago. I felt isolated in my thoughts until I joined a religious trauma support group and started connecting to people there.