#trigger warning loss

Nonone is ever good with losing someone. And I’m a person who’s on the end of “shove it all deep down, be strong for everyone else around you, you’re the eldest daughter, you’re one of the eldest cousins, be strong, don’t cry. Hold it in.” Later I’ll cry, I’ll feel it, but waaayyy after sometimes.

I know it can be a trauma response, I know turning numb is a form of protecting yourself from this immense amount of hurt. And with me, ever since I was 14, 20, 29, 32, it stuck with me.

All of this to say, today (or June 1st) slapped me so hard that I nearly forgot it was the 6th year anniversary of my cousin’s passing. Years prior, another cousin of our passed abruptly…and it rocked our whole family. My family is close, I grew up with my siblings and cousins and 2nd and 3rd cousins. We all grew up up together. So when this happened none of us could react. None of us felt too much. Until much later. But she was there when we found out as well, even passed me her cigarette though I didn’t take it. And his passing still hurts too.

But today, fuck. It hurts so so much. Her name is Valerie and she was several years older than me, and I always saw and thought of her as an older sister since I was the second older girl cousin surrounded by a bunch of boys.

She was my favorite person. I would spend weekends at her place in Miami. She painted her dogs nails, made me mango smoothies, laughed in that husky beautiful loud laugh of her, gave me my first glass of wine as an age when I shouldn’t have had wine. But she snuck it to me anyway and thus began my absolute love for red wine (Chile red wine).

I miss her hugs, her laugh, her smile, her humor, the way her gave light up every time she saw me. The way she let me run away with her daughter- who is absolutely beautiful and so so loved and cared for now that she has lost both her parents. Her daughter who is now 18 and just graduated high school and if feeling the loss of her mother so so heavily.

It’s just a hard day for all of us.