#trigger negativity

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I know I’m probably overreacting, but I’m gonna go have a cry for a bit. I’m even contemplating getting rid of my ouat muses and changing my username.

okay, i really don’t want to do this, but i feel like i have no choice

my mood has just been snowballing into being worse no matter what i do

i’m so sorry for the drafts and asks i haven’t gotten to yet

i have the muse

i just lack the actual energy

the motivation

the positivity

i hope to come back better with a clearer mind in a few days to a week

if you want another good leo rp blog, @ slightedson appears to be a fantastic one!

i haven’t gotten to look at their blog much yet but

i think they may be worthwhile just from standing on the outside

anyways

i need time, to mourn

i need time, for a lot of things i haven’t even figured out

i just want to thank @ cyberlife-sent, @ thiriumbluerose, and @ jericholeader for the amazing threads we started; i’ll be back bitches!

and thank you to phcksh1tup for the reply, it’s nice to see that i am not as invisible as i feel i am

and titanium-coded for the asks, it made me feel a little more noticed, which is more than i could ever have asked for

i wish i had the opportunity to write with some of you, i wanted to with all my heart

perhaps when i get back

i may just have the courage to reach out,

actually reach out.

for now, it is goodbye.

unless you want to add me on discord! my discord is thiccerella#3971

any company is welcome

as it is something i lack

it’s storming outside.

it’s fitting, writing this

relaxing, even

i woke up after just a few hours and knew in my heart i had to post this

so i guess this is it,

i’ve kind of been dragging this on

i guess because i don’t want to truly leave

but i need to

my great grandma died

she was 91 so i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later

i wasn’t even aware she was dying until today

my mum texted me and told me she died earlier today

i guess i shouldn’t feel so shitty because i don’t really know her

but she was a good spot for me, in my childhood.

my family is so fucked what kind of person doesn’t know their own family member is dying

even if she hasn’t seen them in ages

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i just wish i

had the chance to say goodbye

i just wish i had the chance to say anything really.

she had alzheimers the past few years

she wouldnt even remember me probably if she saw me but

i wish i couldve seen her

it probably sounds selfish

i don’t know

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i’ve been feeling extremely negative recently

i might just take a hiatus.

i know i made a post earlier about feeling bad and it kind of wound up having enough impact to reach into today too

stacked on top of this

i don’t know if i have the energy to really finish everything i want to say in here

i don’t know if i have the energy to keep putting up with this blog for all it actually hurts to actually put up with

been kind of having this explanation just sitting in drafts for a few hours just now got around to finishing it

but it like

it actually makes my chest ache when i get on here sometimes

sorry

i sit, stuck in thought of a day i don’t feel shame,

of a day i don’t feel subjected to torment that i am not good enough.

that i do not feel like i’m drowning

that i do not feel like i have to constantly fucking prove that i am enough.

that this was not a mistake.

i’ve spent every waking moment feeling like i am treading on thin ice of my own insecurities

and i try not to collapse into what is my mind

with sludge that reaches up to my neck,

keepin me held in a cold embrace that won’t be merciful to someone of my nature.

but fuck that shit right?

for if it weren’t for those few that didn’t make me feel alone,

for if it weren’t for those few that made me feel so much stronger than i truly was,

i surely would not have made it this far.

so thank you, for the experience.

makin me feel like i am so much more than i have been,

making me feel wanted and loved and cared for