#tremblingspirit

god this is a little scary. i'm not really good with writing things like this, so you know, feel free to laugh at me i guess. whatever happened, whether it was an accident, or something like you being on a mission — or just anything really, i want you to know that i love you. god this is really shitty because what if this is goodbye? i don't want this to be goodbye. i'm hoping it's not. but, anyway, back to my letter — i have a feeling that i'm going to end up going off a lot of the times on my own little tangents. 

ben damn fucking coward, sorry, turner. you are my entire damn life and i want you to know this. you mean so much to me, you mean more than i could ever fathom anyone ever meaning to me and that's a fucking shit ton. you are what i like to call my safe place, every single corner and inch and crevice of you is my safe place, just feeling your hands brush against mine makes me feel so safe and comfortable. you are the first boy i have ever wanted. the first person i've ever considered a forever with so writing this, it's not easy for me. as you can tell, the paper is probably crinkling a little. yes, yes i have been crying a little while writing this, and no, i don't want you to mention it. 

it's probably nothing major, nothing bad is actually going on by the time you read this, i'm pretty sure. maybe you're on a long trip and decided to take this with you, i hope. i can't write letters, i've realized this half way through. ben, just know that wherever you are, i'm right next to you, maybe not like, literally, but i'm always going to be with you no matter what happens. you mean that much to me i guess. i feel like this is like a will or some shit, tell will and kass i said hi ha-ha. look, ben, please don't forget about me, don't forget about the words i whispered into your skin or the arguments we shared or the cuddles we would have until 2 am in the night for no particular reason, we just couldn't fucking sleep or the nights where your body was pressed against mine so closely, i thought we might just become one. 

i have a box under the bed, you can look through it if you want. it's a bunch of old things, i've been meaning to tell you for awhile and if you haven't found it already, then this is the time where i'll just bring it up. it's a bunch of old pages and ripped notes and pictures. a lot of it is actually about you, when we first met. how much i hated you. but i didn't ever actually hate you, ben. i've always been in love with you, since i first saw you. but i guess it just took me awhile to realize that you were literally the one i needed in my life. i want to say thank you. i want to say i love you. so i love you, and thank you. i love you so much i would do anything for you, i would jump off of the tallest building and i would even jump into the ocean for you, and we both know that i fucking hate the ocean. i want to thank you for making my life worth something, that showing me that this life is more than i had thought when i left project athena and my life isn't something i'm willing to give up easily anymore. just because the thought of being able to sleep next to you, yeah, that's what i want to stay for. the thought of being able to kiss you, touch you, hear my name fall from your lips... yeah, that's it. thank you. i love you.