*hallucinating

We're starting off with 150 mg lithium twice a day. I get blood work done in two weeks, when she will call and talk through the results with me. Probably up my dose too.

She also gave me 50 mg trazadone for as needed sleep.

I see her again in a month.

In the meantime, I bought propel electrolyte powder, a new water bottle, la croix, and V8. Oh and lip balm. Probably buying a hero dispenser tonight.

And my husband and I are going to talk about the side effects I need to potentially accept in the name of living.

I'm tired of feeling like a bunch of symptoms. I'm ready to be a person again.

300 mg lithium

250 mg lamictal

With every dose of Vraylar, I separate myself from who I am. With every dose of Lamictal, I build a brick between myself and the world. With every dose of Trazadone, I push away my creativity and drive.

I believe I’m wrapping my head around the unimaginable emptiness of being treated. I’m letting them snip my wings and I subject myself to this torture every morning.

I have, within me, an incredible capacity. I am able to fly high into the glorious blue sky. I soar past the clouds that rain down sips of water to all of Mother’s Nature’s children. I absorb the power and the destruction of the sun. The warmth that comforts life. I radiate joy and passion. But the promise that, without gentle tending, I can burn down swathes of land leaving a trail of devastation behind me.

Luke says that I draw from a magical well of energy. And he is correct. Except that well lives deep within my mind. It lays silent. Dormant for stretches of time, before overflowing and nourishing me in ways food, alcohol, and love cannot.