#traumatic amnesia

Is it weird to wish I remembered? One day, to have a mind in one piece, Instead of this split up mess, dismembered? Is it wrong to want the life I could've had if it weren't for whatever happened? Or wish to know what it was that happened? My brain did its job well, stupidly well. It did it all for a reason. One I cannot tell. This pain stings deep, all the scars I still see. The sounds ring loud and I seek the source of these echoing beats. The silence after every question hurts the most. The absence of these answers leaves me feeling ever more so choked. One day I'd love- no, not love. One day, I'd rather be able to be graced the relief of this confusion. To be allowed to breathe.

“Despite this documentation for both traumatic amnesia and essentially accurate delayed recall, memory science is often presented as if it supports the view that traumatic amnesia is very unlikely or perhaps impossible and that a great many, perhaps a majority, maybe even all, recovered memories of abuse are false…Yet no research supports such an implication and a great deal of research supports the premise that forgetting sexual abuse is fairly common. and that recovered memories are sometimes essentially true.” ― Jennifer J. Freyd