#trashntears

I actually don’t know how to do this, but yeah... A fucking year. 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes (yes, I googled it).

It’s so much time, and we spent it together.

Even if we fought, even if we cried, we spent it together.

And holy fuck, I’m so glad for that. I’m so thankful for you. For you being in my life, for changing so many things around here, for making me happier.

You made this 365 days worth. You’re the best i could ever ask for. I couldn’t ask for someone better, there’s none.

I’ll never forget the last December, and this one too. And I hope there’s many others for me to remember in the future.

Thanks for not giving up on me, i can’t express in words how thankful i am for you staying all this time with me and not letting go. All i can do is wait and hope that you’ll stay for a long time.

You make me feel loved, appreciated and happy. I can only wish that i made you feel the same, at least once in this twelve months.

My heart is all yours, I swear. Thank you, again.

There’s tons of things inside me. Bad and good ones. Just because i don’t put them off, doesn’t mean i don’t feel.

You asked me to write about you, here i am. I’m sorry you don’t get to hear the things you want from me, I’m just too introverted to say, i think. But yeah, I’m here.

You know that miley cirus song “7 things”? I think i can list too... 1) i like your hair when it’s messier cause you look cute (which is different from your bad boy face); 2) i like the way you smell and how your perfume always stay in my clothes when you have to go; 3) i love when you send me messages saying how much you love me and how grateful you’re for me being in your life, i hope you know the feeling is pretty much the same around here; 4) i like when you come to my house just to come, to stay with me doing tons and tons of nothing; 5) i love when you play with my hair, makes me feel safe; 6) i love your early morning messages, even if you’re complaining about waking up and going to school, waking up to your messeges makes me feel important; 7) last but not least, all the other things you do, when you call me love, when you go see me before school, when we are just talking and laughing, everything. this are the 7 and there’s much more things i like/love about you. about us.

I get disappointed with myself sometimes, because there’s so many things I wish I could say, but I don’t know how... but yeah, at least i can write, or at least try (which is great bc then you can improve your english for when we leave the country).

I hope you can feel the love. It’s here. I’m sorry for not saying, I’ll try expressing it better since I can’t say it, I’m so sorry for that.

But I promise you, it is here. In my heart. I can feel it in my bones when you’re around. I swear it’s here, the feeling.

Its been a while since I last wrote. But things are hard, lately.

I don’t even know how to put out everything I want. I’m feeling exhausted from keeping all this to me. Mom said I’ll regret refusing therapy, maybe I already am. I’m too uncomfortable to talk about my feelings but I need to let it all out.

Some days, i wake up and I don’t have anybody. I cry and try to put myself together, I have too many responsibilities now, I can’t ignore them. Some days became normal now. I’m mostly likely to wake up sad, angry and wanting to die.

I really wanna talk about it with my relatives, but I just can’t. I can’t sadder other people. I can’t have this responsibility.

Anyways.

There’s another things bothering me. Most mornings I wake up with only one thought, if I’m so easy to forget, people won’t care if I’m gone for once, right?

Well, because some days, it’s like hell. Feels like I don’t exist. That everyone around me, forgot me. And it hurts.

Now I’m so surrounded by people, that I forgot how is to feel and be alone. Four years ago, it would be just one more bad feeling. Now, it tears me apart and I can’t stand it.

My tears fall out almost everyday, in different places. I should win an award for crying in random places. I’ve cried in the bus, in the bathroom, in the restroom from work, in the bus station, at school, at the shopping, in so many places I can’t tell.

Today, I feel like most days. I’ve been in my bed seeing the hours pass. Looking to the walls, waiting for someone to remember of me. And I cried, tons and tons of times.

And that was it. The day is almost over. No one seemed to remember of me. I feel like a ghost. Am I, finally, invisible?

Some weeks ago you told me you want me to write about you. I’ve been trying to do since them. I’ve been trying to put my feelings together, but I can’t.

I can’t explain how great you have been making me feel. I can’t put into words how I feel appreciated and how you make my heart get filled with happiness.

I can’t explain how much I like when you make fun of me, even if I look angry, I’m not and you know it. I can’t explain how much I like when you text me after you get drunk; all the funny messages you send and how serious you get when you talk about us.

I just can’t put into words how I feel when you hug me in the morning, it feels like relief. I can’t explain how great is to have someone, even if I don’t share too much.

And I can’t explain how sorry I feel for not being able to talk more about how I feel. I’m really sorry but I hope you get all this feelings I can’t put in words. There’s so much more inside, maybe time can help me put all this feelings out to tell you.

You tell me I disappointed you, that you are sad with my actions... well, there’s not much that I can do then.

I told you my truth, you keep saying I broke your trust, funny thing... lol, I did not know that it existed.

But it’s okay, this, the way you’re acting, only proves what I wrote yesterday, your favorite hobbies is to let me down, am I right? Probably.

You said I’m not attached to anyone, I wish i wasn’t, I wish i was this great monster you think I am. I wouldn’t be sad as I am now just because you said I disappointed you.

Anyways, you’re not more sad than I am, I’m sure, so you can keep saying I let you down; you can keep saying I made you sad; all this will pass the moment the blade touches my skin.

It’s awfully sad how little parts of your day can ruin it all. I had an amazing night: I went to the movies, felt like I was finally being part of something, felt that now I have real friends.

But, my morning was horrible. I felt uncomfortable for five hours, school is fucking me up; some girl just started questioning me, I feel ridiculous and even more uncomfortable, I don’t even know how I’m going to show up tomorrow.

To make everything worse, mom decided she was going to make me feel bad. She screamed at me before I leave. She make me feel sad about myself, sometimes I think is what she likes to do the most. Then, I left and had happy hours but coming home again felt terrible.

Coming home always feel like this. I don’t even want to call this house a home. I feel bad and have my worse moments here. All I feel is my walls closing up.

I wish this house could still feel like a home, like it used to be some years ago. I think it’s my fault, maybe is still a home, just not for me.

I had an marvelous night tonight but I always let other small things interfere.

Now, here I am. I’m laying in my bed, crying like a kid. I drank some vodka and the burning sensation it’s the only good thing in my body and mind at this moment.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to write about you again but here I am. You made me cry. I know I’m a self declared crybaby but fuck you.

You said it’s my fault. Okay, I kinda accept it, maybe my advices aren’t good and I suck at being a good friend but I tried.

You said I made you worse, you repeated it twice. It fucking hurts. I worry about you, even when you’re hard to deal, when you only talk about your problems and how everything is bad, I listen to you and try my best to be a good friend. But you fucking said I made you worse. You put all the blame in my back and asked me to carry it, I can’t.

I’m so tired of crying because you don’t give a damn about what I say to you. I’m so tired of being worried about your health when all you do is pretend and lie to me. I’m tired of trying to be your real friend.

Now, you said to me you lied. You’re no better. You told me you were better and feeling okay with yourself, i felt happy for you but it was a lie. YOU LIED TO ME.

Even me, a good liar, hate lies. I tried to help you and you lied to me. I tried to help you and you fucking blamed me for making you worse.

I hope you know I’m not sleeping tonight because of the blame you put on me. I hope you know that you have throw all my happy feelings about tonight and made me feel like trash again.

When I opened my eyes today I felt it. Tiredness was all around me. Sadness too. When feelings like this come, I try my best to fight them but today I didn’t.

I said a big “fuck off” to my will to try, I let sadness take control of my body and all I did today was sleep.

I tried to sleep sadness away, it didn’t worked. I tried to cry sadness away and it was still here. I tried enough so let it stay.

I’m not fighting for today. I’m tired of always trying and not getting successful. So let it be. Let sadness take control of my mind and body today. Let it make me cry. I don’t care anymore.