#trash lads

Okay so I love animals, (like obviously, who doesn’t), but I have a special love for a certain group of animals which are not necessarily known for being lovable. I feel that a lot of these animals are loved by a great many w people, but I’m not here to gatekeep- love which ever group of groovy bastards you want.  But specifically, I’m referring to opossums, raccoons, crows, rats, armadillos, and other various goblin like creatures.

I want to share my love of these creatures and my love of the vibe these creatures have, a kind of “dignified trash monster” vibe. In my adoration of these animals and this mood, I find myself running into a wall, which I must admit I built myself. This wall being “What do I call this amalgamation of these stately creatures?” Personally, I have been referencing these creatures as “goblins” but like the little bitch I am, I find myself boring of this basic term.

And instead of just finding an opulent word and using it to name this group, I had a flashback to high school biology when I learned about biological nomenclature and biological taxonomy, ” the science of naming, defining and classifying groups of biological organisms on the basis of shared characteristics.” Thanks Wikipedia ;)

This fucker, remember? So being the extra little bastard I am, I’m making a taxonomical category for my little disaster goblins.

So first I need to decide which creatures will fit into my taxonomic rank.

This is the list I have so far, but I will probably think of some more later and if any are suggested to me, I am very open to opening this category to beings that fit the vibe.

Opossum, Raccoons, Armadillos, Skunks, Rats, Crows, Snails, Ravens, Bats, Ferrets, Geckos

These are only some concrete ones that come to mind now, I find myself wanting to add “grumpy looking lizards,” but I don’t think that’s a specific species.

So, we already know that my made-up category will not be a domain, the domain will be Eukaryota, “organisms whose cells have a nucleus enclosed within membranes.” Now I’m not saying that some bacteria do not have this chaotic vibe, I just do not know anything about bacteria whatsoever. I barely know about biological taxonomy, my only knowledge in this subject is from my honors biology class in my freshman year of high school. I HAVE NO PLACE WHATSOEVER TO BE DOING THIS.

My rank will fall under the kingdom Animalia, organisms which” consume organic material, breathe oxygen, are able to move, can reproduce sexually, and grow from a hollow sphere of cells.” Again, I’m not saying that only animals give off this vibe, there are many plants that I know from personal experience who give off this beloved “elegant dumpster fire” vibe, but the purpose of this entire waste of time was to create a group for these animals to exist in, in the most irritating and factually incorrect way possible.

The next level down is the Phylum, and I believe this is where our rank will live. In the incomplete list I have created, we can already tell that not all these animals are alike. Some are mammals, some are birds, and there is a gastropod in there. That gastropod is why we must stop at the phylum level. The animals listed besides the snail would all belong in the phylum Chordata and the snail would belong in the phylum Molluska. Mollusks have a lot of groovy dudes in their phylum and I want to be inclusive to creatures who don’t have spinal cords, so therefore our rank will be in the phylum level.

For a specific classification we would need to state the traits that define these creatures and include them in this rank, except this isn’t specific or scientific whatsoever! This is all based on a vibe! Hence, I am allowing any creatures in the kingdom Animalia that belong to any phylum into this phylum as well, if they pass the vibe check that is. Not even a vibe check, the vibe exam, the vibe bar.

The vibe fits along these descriptors

 “disaster goblins. dignified trash monsters. groovy beings of the night who eat teeth and will invest their money in the buying and selling of souls. a magnific dumpster fire which smells of a parent’s disappointment and tax evasion.”

If the fellow passes the vibe check, he is welcome to the phylum.

Now lastly, a name. These names are created from the roots of Latin words, so I thought it was only right that the name for the phylum be rooted in Latin and be stupid. The stupidity was a necessity, because um OF COURSE? So after much deliberation and toil, the phylum is now known as “Quisquilads”, from the Latin word quisquiliae which translates to “trash.”

This phylum is a group of trash lads. These animals are trash lads, but in the end, aren’t we all just trash lads?