End Here
Start
by pulling him out of the darkness,
hoping that he will forget the way
the silence rings,
or rang.
He was supposed to be an instrument but you’re not sure
who was the player
or who the played.
Who’s plucking the strings of the universe
with shaking hands,
who is composing the hallelujah
that forgets itself.
Who is made. Who is unmade.
Who is unmanned.
You will lose so much and he will watch it happen,
because he had you first,
and his voice trembles your atoms
in a way you cannot separate
from the thing you were
and the thing you are becoming.
Start by wiping the tears from his eyes and
letting yourself be moved by
every holy vibration.
Repeat to yourself
the words you cannot say aloud
(I love you, I love you)
Until you fall to your knees
and weep them
in a voice that is not your own.
When is an angel not an angel?
Oh, when it comes with a scythe
and a terrible smile.
Oh, when when he is human.
Here are your outstretched hands;
all this time and he never understood
how their wordless grasping
was their own form of prayer.
Start by leading him into another darkness,
yea though he walk through
the valley of shadows.
There is so much to forgive.
If there is only one thing
you ever learn,
dragged bloody between cradle and dirt,
let it be this:
forgive.
When is an angel not an angel?
Oh, when his hymns
sing your blasphemous praises.
Here is your body
where despite your best efforts
he will not cease to echo.
You call yourself his ruination;
he calls you his cathedral.
He has come back to stand
in your kitchen in his sock feet,
with the taste of sleep stale in his mouth.
His coffee cup in hand,
he tells you he will never know anything better.
You will never pretend to understand
why he believes you good enough.
I obviously riffed off of the very beautiful “Start Here” by Caitlyn Siehl (@alonesomes ) for this whole thing--absolutely zero offense or infringement intended, just some good (angsty) fun. I got stuck on the scythe imagery after seeing someone else use Billie to interpret the harvest prompt, and the line “when is an angel not an angel? oh, when it comes with a scythe” started pinging around my head, because reapers, and then this happened.
