Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the worldâs most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: Itâs the âthree strikes and youâre outâ policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each âstrike.â The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.
Ilunga captures what Iâve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriagesâNot abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example. Weâve got tolerance, within reason, and weâve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you donât. You âstick it out,â or not.
Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people whoâve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.